On my mind . . .

I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping again, probably for various reasons, but partly because my mind won't let go of certain thoughts long enough to let me sleep. I wonder if it's because of the bipolar disorder, which can cause racing thoughts, especially at bedtime. I used to have this problem a lot before therapy and medication, but less so now. I don't know if I'm under-medicated, in need of therapy, or just plain having trouble sleeping. Is it because I'm a human being this time, or is it because I'm bipolar? I just don't know.

Regardless, I cannot sleep. So I thought I'd share some of the things that are on my mind preventing me from relaxing.

• I miss my dad. I read an email from him today and started crying. I haven't seen him in so long, it feels like forever. I used to see him every Saturday when I lived in San Antonio, and we would spend hours together, just getting to know each other all over again. Now he's 5 hours away, not an unsurmountable distance, but inconvenient nonetheless. Not exactly a quick day trip, although we've done that before. But we don't do that very often, as it's extremely draining being in the car that long. Driving through Austin is always hard since there seems to be one giant traffic jam there no matter what time of day or night you might pass through. Anyway, I miss him.
• I can still cry for my two lost pets at the drop of a hat. They were such a part of my life for so long, it's hard to move on from there and to heal. I dream about them, which makes me think they could visit me in my sleep and hold them once again. Maybe they will visit me less and less as I heal, making sure I'm okay before they move on. I miss them both deeply, my poodle and my rabbit.
• I'm angry at President Bush. CJ told me about a quote she'd heard, that he's "dividing our allies and uniting our enemies," the opposite of what should be done, and I think that's true. I don't know how Clinton can be impeached essentially for having an affair, and for sending our troops, unjustified, into another nation to be killed and to kill others, is somehow not an impeachable offense. I just don't get it. People are dying over this "mistake". He has yet to apologize, which is the least of what he should do, especially for the families of the soldiers who have died serving this country and believing he wouldn't send them in harm's way for nothing. It hurts me to think about the soldiers and their families, knowing it didn't have to happen, that they knew all along there was no evidence or justification for war, that we hadn't finished the job in Afghanistan, that we have basically proven right every stereotype the world views about American politics, that he is representing us to the world, and that innocent people have died in Iraq as well, that more people will die while he tries to fix this mess . . . It hurts. I love this country so much, I hate for other people to hate it. But sometimes they have good reason to, which is something I am sad to admit. What's best for the country is to build up our military strength, improve our security at home, and not spread our armed forces to the winds like an unlimited resource. These are people we're talking about. I could go on, but I won't.
• I still haven't heard from the insurance company about my surgery. I'm supposed to get a predetermination letter in the mail, but I have yet to receive it. I wish there was some way to check the status of that. I'd like to know what's going to happen. I'm still in pain here.
• Have I lost weight? I don't know. I missed my last meeting out of illness, and now I'm waiting until Tuesday for my next meeting. I would go to another meeting except I'm hoping to receive my key chain and if I do get it, I want it to be in front of the group I know and with my group leader. It would mean more for me to get it that way. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I'm still cautiously optimistic.

Well, no one ever said the things keeping you awake have to be important things, or even interesting things. But that's where my thoughts are this early, early morning.

Time to try to get some sleep again. Maybe I can breathe this time. It's hit and miss lately. And I can't sleep with my mouth open. I just can't. I've tried. I just hate the cold feeling across my teeth as I inhale, and the dryness in my mouth . . . It'll even wake me up if it happens while I'm sleeping. I've trained myself to sleep with it closed, but on days when I have almost no air flow through my nose, it's an inconvenience.

Nighty-night.
R