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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Answers and Awards

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R

Monday, October 22, 2007

Recurring dream . . .

One of my favorite Crowded House songs, but also an affliction I've been dealing with for quite some time. There have been many over my lifetime, depending on what I've been experiencing at the time, but this one is one I haven't had for a while, and now I am officially confused.

I've had this dream where I walk into a room and see caged birds, usually parakeets, that are sadly undernourished. I realize, with horror, that these are MY parakeets and that I haven't cleaned their cages, fed or watered them in quite some time! Sometimes I find a sack or box of seed and just dump fresh food onto the old empty hulls filling their bowls, sometimes I fill the water dish that is dirty with clouds of debris and feathers. Sometimes I do both; sometimes I'm in a rush and tell myself I will hurry back, that it's an emergency. These birds have been forgotten, and, worse still, I have forgotten how long they have been forgotten! I'm distraught, guilty, sad, scared they will die and it will have been my fault . . .

Almost always in the past when I've had this dream, it's due to a neglect I've been feeling. I used to dream this when I realized I hadn't been paying enough attention to my dear rabbit. But, since she passed last December, I don't know how to explain the dream. Is it about my dog? I feel like I've been taking time out for him. Is it me? I don't know. It can't be E, he's been a huge focus lately since we've been potty training. So now I can't tell why I had this dream. It's really bugging me, a nagging feeling that there is something I need to address, help, care for . . . something. It might even be akin to a dire emergency, like the parakeets that may have been starved close to death. And there's guilt, too, for something I don't know I'm neglecting. What is it?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

OK to Blog?

Using the term "blog" as a verb here . . .

So when is it okay to blog about your life when it involves someone else? That's the question on my mind at the moment. There seems to be a line that must be invisible, because I swear I can't see it sometimes.

For example, I'm sure it's okay to blog about my grandmother, if she falls down and breaks her wrist, as she actually did last week. It's one of those things that happens, maybe that person is upset but not embarrassed about it, and it is an event or happening that is on my mind. I worry about her, worry how her surgery went, how she'll heal, how she's handling the anxiety afterward. It doesn't seem to be something in the "gray" area, although I'm sure if I really thought about it, there would be some reasons not to mention it.

What if I'm worried about someone? What if those worries keep me up at night, make me feel depressed and helpless, but involve things that other person may not want to make public? Even if I don't say who it is I'm worried about, that person might feel uncomfortable or even feel betrayed that I discussed them on the internet. I'm guessing that situation is just one I have to bear, since that really isn't fair to someone to discuss their personal business, even if it's an all-consuming anxiety-fest for me.

But here's what I see is a gray area I'm not to clear about. What if, for example, I've done something that affects someone else, but the other person might be embarrassed? What if they've done something to me, but wouldn't want it discussed? What if something someone else does affects my own life, but is really their own business? When are those topics mine to discuss, or off-limits?

I can use the example of my son. I know this is a motherhood blog, in part, and there will be times when I blog about him. But I know I have to protect his privacy as well as his safety, as a parent, and to think about his future. My own mother never had to worry about the details of my life floating about in cyberspace to come back and haunt me in my adulthood. But this is a new century and a new era of technology and communication. How can I bond a public life with a private one? How am I supposed to know when it's acceptable to discuss potty training, for example, a subject that might help other moms out there who might be reading this, and when it's really something I ought to keep to myself? Would my son want me to write about this? Probably not. Should I? Could I? Would I? I don't know. If it might help someone else, maybe it should be all right. But am I wrong?

Of course, my therapist has a way of putting things that simplifies my life to a nutshell at times. Bookended by numerous "qualifying" statements, he said, "You tend to think too much." I think he's right, no pun intended! Then I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out when it's okay to think to much, and when it's not . . .

R

Monday, October 15, 2007

Little things I didn't know . . .

The things that people who do NOT have kids don't realize about those of us who do . . .

Well, I was one of those people without children not too long ago, and I think I really had no clue. I think parents (especially moms) have a way of complaining to their non-parent friends, telling them how HARD it is to have a child, how much work it is, etc--so much so that non-parents tune it OUT--just to make sure that the work they do is appreciated and valued. But it's not something that you can just TELL someone to appreciate or value. And, truth is, it's also a lot more fun than the moms and dads doing the complaining make it out to be, or else more people would be wanting to have children.

But one of the things I've recently learned is that potty training is not just a "when the urge comes" endeavor. It's an all-day affair! Let me tell you, it's a day-long string of potty-related chatter, including phrases like, "Do you need to go yet? Is that a potty dance? Do you need help? I'll sit with you!" and "Good job! All right! Big boy! You're so smart!" Then there's the laundry, the carpet and furniture clean-up, the re-assurances, the coaching, the constant hand-washing! That's not even the half of it! There's negotiating, praise, and a backlog of all of the other tasks you've been unable to fulfill without being interrupted by potty-related business. Just try taking a shower without hearing the phrase, "Uh-oh!" somehow through the spray of water! Unlikely. I'd hear it even if it weren't there, I think!

But then on to the other little thing I didn't know, and that is "why I haven't had a good shave in years!"

I don't think I realized this before, but it's not the razor's fault, the shave gel's, the water's, my lotion's, my cleanser's . . . You see, I finally had a good shave about two days ago. And this was a total surprise to me. I don't think I even totally realized how bad my shaves WERE until this day, but then my legs felt completely smooth, no nicks, and just looked great! Well, my legs would look even better if I hadn't already had a couple dozen nicks and bruises from running into furniture all the time, but I digress.

Anyway, so how did I get this wonderful shave? Simple. It'll never happen again, I'm sure. But this ONE shower, my son just happened to avoid opening the curtain and asking me if I was finished showering. He usually does it repeatedly during the shaving portion of my shower, causing a blast of cold air to prickle my skin with goosebumps, and then ruining my shave! If only I had known it was that simple to get a good shave . . . But will I be able to shower after he goes to bed instead? No. I'm usually cleaning house, washing dishes, and then too tired. In the morning before he wakes up? Ha. Forget about it. In the middle of the day, when he's napping? Surely you jest. He never naps! So I guess that'll be my last good shave for a while. Too bad it's rainy, and not even good weather for shorts.

Well, I'd better return to the many chores of the day. I will be back soon for more tales of motherhood and the observations that come from being mentally ill. I mean, who else notices this stuff? Anybody? But then, aren't we all weird in our own ways.

Take care, all!

R

Friday, October 12, 2007

Best Meeting Ever!

So, what was it, you ask? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't ask, but I'll answer anyway as if you did:

It was the paranormal investigation I did here in Fort Worth! Yep, I did it! I wasn't sure if it would be my kind of thing, but to my surprise, it turned out better than I expected.

First, I'll fill you in on my expectations, which were not high. I thought maybe I would have nothing in common with this "type" of person, which I couldn't define, necessarily, but assumed there would be a "type". Then I thought it would be boring. I thought I'd get scared, or find myself shooing spiders the whole time, that the people wouldn't like me, that I would be too sleepy . . . Many expectations, all very low.

The best case scenario turned out to be true. And that is that I liked all of the people, they were all super-super-great, I had fun, I don't think I was scared even ONCE, just nervous about meeting everyone, I didn't even get scared of bugs, even stuck my hand in a spiderweb in the dark without knowing what would be in it . . . I laughed a lot, got along with everyone pretty well (someone called me "cool"!) and got asked to come along on another! So much fun . . . I really loved it. We didn't really have any experiences, although someone in the group did. I wasn't there when it happened, though. I wanted an experience, just to prove to me that some of my past experiences might have been real (and not a result of mental illness). I really need proof. But, I didn't find anything. Just a EMF (electro-magnetic field) that almost pushed me down a flight of steps. A small flight of steps. Oh, well. But it was still worth it.

The next investigation is at the end of the month, and I can't express to you how much I'm looking forward to it. So many different types of people were in this group, and while all seemed different, the best thing about them all was that they didn't care what other people thought of them. I fit right in. They were all great.

Guess I'll try to get some sleep. Potty training has begun this week, and it's an all-consuming task. I really wasn't prepared for this--no wonder I put it off! But I have a smart boy and it's going well, it's just tiring. There just wasn't a good time to do it, so we just started it . . . I'll let you know how it goes!

R

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Recounting . . .

As in "telling a tale of past events," and not "counting again".

So, what might I want to recount to you? Lots, in fact, but I'll stick to one event tonight. I'll tell you a bit about a site I've discovered that has helped me to make friends in this city, especially friends with similar interests.

If you've never heard of it, and I hadn't heard of it before but stumbled upon it by accident, it's called Meetup. You can find it at www.meetup.com and look up dozens and even hundreds or thousands of groups of ordinary people meeting in your local area every week. Just about any interest you can think of is covered, and if there isn't a group yet, you can sign up to hear about one when it starts, or start one for yourself. It's free to sign up, but some groups have dues or event fees and starting a "meetup" yourself has monthly cost just for the use of the site. The site has tons of tools to help you find what you're looking for, including safety precautions to take if you feel the need, as in setting up a play group or anything with children or teens. You can remain anonymous until you choose to have your information revealed to someone, or just connect with people in your groups through the site. It's easy to join and find lots of fun and interesting events going on all the time.

I found some mom's groups around here, but there are other groups that appeal to me. A bipolar group, some depression meetups (those are unfortunately meeting too far away from me), book clubs, political groups, religious and atheist meetups, meetups for dogs, meetups for coffee, for food, for hiking, poker, dating, networking, drawing and crafting, languages, and lots lots lots more. Those are just the ones that come immediately to mind.

The moms groups have been nice. I like most of the moms, even though I don't have as much in common with them as I'd like. The best group I came across is the one I was most skeptical about, and I will have to tell you about it.

But, I will save that for next time! Hah! A little bit of tension-building! Did it work? Or you just don't care. Oh, well. I tried. But, really, you should come back and read about it. It's definitely not what you're thinking. I doubt it anyway. So come back and read about it. It was definitely interesting!

Take care!
R

Hello again . . .

Remember me? Probably not. It's been a long time. Looooooonnngggg time. I'm sure anyone who might have read my blog before has long since stopped reading this. Sorry. Really sorry. But at the same time, this thingie here just ceased to be a priority.

So what's been going on? Lots. I've met new people, been doing new things, been creating artwork again, trying to connect with my family, and going to therapy. There have been some stressful periods of late, mostly concerning possible career moves for my husband, but so far, none have panned out. Can't talk about it much on here, since he is uncomfortable with that. It's okay. No biggie.

I have successfully become a Weight Watchers lifetime member--that's good news! Very good news, in fact. It means I can attend meetings for free now, and that I've been maintaining my weight successfully now. I'm thinking it also means I should get a new tattoo, but they aren't normally FREE, so I will wait on that.

If you've noticed the annoying graphics here on this site, you'll also notice my work on Zazzle and Cafe Press. I hope anyone would appreciate the hours and hours and many sleepless nights put into these projects, lots of self-punishing pressure applied, and lots of stress . . . I've been working hard on these projects, and re-learning a lot about making artwork again. It's been like learning to walk again--the medications for depression and bipolar disorder really threw me for a loop when it came to creativity. I couldn't make art anymore. COULDN'T!! I didn't think it were possible, but put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me, and I truly had no clue what to do. I could start to draw ANYWAY, and end up with . . . Well, either NOTHING or some shaky pointless scribbles that no one would be interested in seeing. It was frustrating, scary, confusing . . . And much more. It was not a good time for me. But I've been practicing making art again, and getting better at using my computer software, and getting better at seeing things creatively again. It's taken me a few solid months of work to get where I am now, so I hope it is understood why I haven't been here too often.

Also, I've been in therapy. This was an outlet at one point, now I don't seem to need it as much. And it felt for a while like I was getting no where with this, like no one cared what I wrote, that I couldn't make a difference. I guess I still feel that way a little bit, but that's not the ONLY reason for keeping this blog, so I hope to return more regularly. I will still be working hard on my artwork and there are transitions going on throughout the family that may distract me, but I will try.

I want to write a bit about what I've been up to, some of the people I've met and such, but I really need to get to bed. We are getting a bit tougher on the potty training thing--my son is almost four and not interested in even TRYING to use the potty--so we are going to have to try to be a bit tougher. I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. I mean, I've never done this whole potty training thing before! But what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to switch tactics! Let's hope this works! I'd hate for him to go to his birthday celebration in diapers or training pants, but it's looking that way so far! I have just over a month to try.

Okay, time to try the sleep thing again. I've had so much on my mind, and my tummy isn't happy. It might be a kind of PMS, or my IBS acting up. Not sure. I just feel crampy. But, I digress.

'Night.
R