Happy Birthday, E!

Yes, today is the birthday of my wonderful Mister E! He is 4 years old today!


What a big boy you are, my sweet E! You can do so many things by yourself that I sometimes feel like you don't need me anymore. Then you give me a hug, tell me you love me, and I know you do. You make me feel like a very lucky mom!

Today you had a great birthday, and I will post some photos of our adventure here soon. It was an . . . interesting birthday! I don't think many kids had one like it! I can post more here tomorrow. But you really seemed happy today, proud of being such a big boy, and you sounded so surprised when I told you that you were 4 and not 3 anymore . . . You said, "I'm going to be 4 all the time?" Yes, until your next birthday, I told you! Then you had a big smile on your face . . .

Guess I'd better get some sleep. We still have more plans for tomorrow, and I'm exhausted after this day. Try to get some sleep, my big boy, and we'll have some more fun when the sun comes out!

Love,
Mommy

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!

Guess what? I am sooooo excited to announce that I have just purchased (and safely brought home) my first CRANBERRY BLISS BAR of the season!!!!!! Yeah! Woohoo! Non-Starbucks people won't get it, but try one, and you will . . . They are awesome indeed, and addictive. Only here for a short time, too short to say the least. So get 'em while you can, as long as you don't buy them from MY local Starbucks--I plan to buy and enjoy all I can until they are gone!

Well, gotta go, I want to savor the taste. Here I go, to cranberry bliss . . .

:)

R

Antidote to computer withdrawal?

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Answers and Awards

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R

Recurring dream . . .

One of my favorite Crowded House songs, but also an affliction I've been dealing with for quite some time. There have been many over my lifetime, depending on what I've been experiencing at the time, but this one is one I haven't had for a while, and now I am officially confused.

I've had this dream where I walk into a room and see caged birds, usually parakeets, that are sadly undernourished. I realize, with horror, that these are MY parakeets and that I haven't cleaned their cages, fed or watered them in quite some time! Sometimes I find a sack or box of seed and just dump fresh food onto the old empty hulls filling their bowls, sometimes I fill the water dish that is dirty with clouds of debris and feathers. Sometimes I do both; sometimes I'm in a rush and tell myself I will hurry back, that it's an emergency. These birds have been forgotten, and, worse still, I have forgotten how long they have been forgotten! I'm distraught, guilty, sad, scared they will die and it will have been my fault . . .

Almost always in the past when I've had this dream, it's due to a neglect I've been feeling. I used to dream this when I realized I hadn't been paying enough attention to my dear rabbit. But, since she passed last December, I don't know how to explain the dream. Is it about my dog? I feel like I've been taking time out for him. Is it me? I don't know. It can't be E, he's been a huge focus lately since we've been potty training. So now I can't tell why I had this dream. It's really bugging me, a nagging feeling that there is something I need to address, help, care for . . . something. It might even be akin to a dire emergency, like the parakeets that may have been starved close to death. And there's guilt, too, for something I don't know I'm neglecting. What is it?

OK to Blog?

Using the term "blog" as a verb here . . .

So when is it okay to blog about your life when it involves someone else? That's the question on my mind at the moment. There seems to be a line that must be invisible, because I swear I can't see it sometimes.

For example, I'm sure it's okay to blog about my grandmother, if she falls down and breaks her wrist, as she actually did last week. It's one of those things that happens, maybe that person is upset but not embarrassed about it, and it is an event or happening that is on my mind. I worry about her, worry how her surgery went, how she'll heal, how she's handling the anxiety afterward. It doesn't seem to be something in the "gray" area, although I'm sure if I really thought about it, there would be some reasons not to mention it.

What if I'm worried about someone? What if those worries keep me up at night, make me feel depressed and helpless, but involve things that other person may not want to make public? Even if I don't say who it is I'm worried about, that person might feel uncomfortable or even feel betrayed that I discussed them on the internet. I'm guessing that situation is just one I have to bear, since that really isn't fair to someone to discuss their personal business, even if it's an all-consuming anxiety-fest for me.

But here's what I see is a gray area I'm not to clear about. What if, for example, I've done something that affects someone else, but the other person might be embarrassed? What if they've done something to me, but wouldn't want it discussed? What if something someone else does affects my own life, but is really their own business? When are those topics mine to discuss, or off-limits?

I can use the example of my son. I know this is a motherhood blog, in part, and there will be times when I blog about him. But I know I have to protect his privacy as well as his safety, as a parent, and to think about his future. My own mother never had to worry about the details of my life floating about in cyberspace to come back and haunt me in my adulthood. But this is a new century and a new era of technology and communication. How can I bond a public life with a private one? How am I supposed to know when it's acceptable to discuss potty training, for example, a subject that might help other moms out there who might be reading this, and when it's really something I ought to keep to myself? Would my son want me to write about this? Probably not. Should I? Could I? Would I? I don't know. If it might help someone else, maybe it should be all right. But am I wrong?

Of course, my therapist has a way of putting things that simplifies my life to a nutshell at times. Bookended by numerous "qualifying" statements, he said, "You tend to think too much." I think he's right, no pun intended! Then I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out when it's okay to think to much, and when it's not . . .

R

Little things I didn't know . . .

The things that people who do NOT have kids don't realize about those of us who do . . .

Well, I was one of those people without children not too long ago, and I think I really had no clue. I think parents (especially moms) have a way of complaining to their non-parent friends, telling them how HARD it is to have a child, how much work it is, etc--so much so that non-parents tune it OUT--just to make sure that the work they do is appreciated and valued. But it's not something that you can just TELL someone to appreciate or value. And, truth is, it's also a lot more fun than the moms and dads doing the complaining make it out to be, or else more people would be wanting to have children.

But one of the things I've recently learned is that potty training is not just a "when the urge comes" endeavor. It's an all-day affair! Let me tell you, it's a day-long string of potty-related chatter, including phrases like, "Do you need to go yet? Is that a potty dance? Do you need help? I'll sit with you!" and "Good job! All right! Big boy! You're so smart!" Then there's the laundry, the carpet and furniture clean-up, the re-assurances, the coaching, the constant hand-washing! That's not even the half of it! There's negotiating, praise, and a backlog of all of the other tasks you've been unable to fulfill without being interrupted by potty-related business. Just try taking a shower without hearing the phrase, "Uh-oh!" somehow through the spray of water! Unlikely. I'd hear it even if it weren't there, I think!

But then on to the other little thing I didn't know, and that is "why I haven't had a good shave in years!"

I don't think I realized this before, but it's not the razor's fault, the shave gel's, the water's, my lotion's, my cleanser's . . . You see, I finally had a good shave about two days ago. And this was a total surprise to me. I don't think I even totally realized how bad my shaves WERE until this day, but then my legs felt completely smooth, no nicks, and just looked great! Well, my legs would look even better if I hadn't already had a couple dozen nicks and bruises from running into furniture all the time, but I digress.

Anyway, so how did I get this wonderful shave? Simple. It'll never happen again, I'm sure. But this ONE shower, my son just happened to avoid opening the curtain and asking me if I was finished showering. He usually does it repeatedly during the shaving portion of my shower, causing a blast of cold air to prickle my skin with goosebumps, and then ruining my shave! If only I had known it was that simple to get a good shave . . . But will I be able to shower after he goes to bed instead? No. I'm usually cleaning house, washing dishes, and then too tired. In the morning before he wakes up? Ha. Forget about it. In the middle of the day, when he's napping? Surely you jest. He never naps! So I guess that'll be my last good shave for a while. Too bad it's rainy, and not even good weather for shorts.

Well, I'd better return to the many chores of the day. I will be back soon for more tales of motherhood and the observations that come from being mentally ill. I mean, who else notices this stuff? Anybody? But then, aren't we all weird in our own ways.

Take care, all!

R

Best Meeting Ever!

So, what was it, you ask? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't ask, but I'll answer anyway as if you did:

It was the paranormal investigation I did here in Fort Worth! Yep, I did it! I wasn't sure if it would be my kind of thing, but to my surprise, it turned out better than I expected.

First, I'll fill you in on my expectations, which were not high. I thought maybe I would have nothing in common with this "type" of person, which I couldn't define, necessarily, but assumed there would be a "type". Then I thought it would be boring. I thought I'd get scared, or find myself shooing spiders the whole time, that the people wouldn't like me, that I would be too sleepy . . . Many expectations, all very low.

The best case scenario turned out to be true. And that is that I liked all of the people, they were all super-super-great, I had fun, I don't think I was scared even ONCE, just nervous about meeting everyone, I didn't even get scared of bugs, even stuck my hand in a spiderweb in the dark without knowing what would be in it . . . I laughed a lot, got along with everyone pretty well (someone called me "cool"!) and got asked to come along on another! So much fun . . . I really loved it. We didn't really have any experiences, although someone in the group did. I wasn't there when it happened, though. I wanted an experience, just to prove to me that some of my past experiences might have been real (and not a result of mental illness). I really need proof. But, I didn't find anything. Just a EMF (electro-magnetic field) that almost pushed me down a flight of steps. A small flight of steps. Oh, well. But it was still worth it.

The next investigation is at the end of the month, and I can't express to you how much I'm looking forward to it. So many different types of people were in this group, and while all seemed different, the best thing about them all was that they didn't care what other people thought of them. I fit right in. They were all great.

Guess I'll try to get some sleep. Potty training has begun this week, and it's an all-consuming task. I really wasn't prepared for this--no wonder I put it off! But I have a smart boy and it's going well, it's just tiring. There just wasn't a good time to do it, so we just started it . . . I'll let you know how it goes!

R

Recounting . . .

As in "telling a tale of past events," and not "counting again".

So, what might I want to recount to you? Lots, in fact, but I'll stick to one event tonight. I'll tell you a bit about a site I've discovered that has helped me to make friends in this city, especially friends with similar interests.

If you've never heard of it, and I hadn't heard of it before but stumbled upon it by accident, it's called Meetup. You can find it at www.meetup.com and look up dozens and even hundreds or thousands of groups of ordinary people meeting in your local area every week. Just about any interest you can think of is covered, and if there isn't a group yet, you can sign up to hear about one when it starts, or start one for yourself. It's free to sign up, but some groups have dues or event fees and starting a "meetup" yourself has monthly cost just for the use of the site. The site has tons of tools to help you find what you're looking for, including safety precautions to take if you feel the need, as in setting up a play group or anything with children or teens. You can remain anonymous until you choose to have your information revealed to someone, or just connect with people in your groups through the site. It's easy to join and find lots of fun and interesting events going on all the time.

I found some mom's groups around here, but there are other groups that appeal to me. A bipolar group, some depression meetups (those are unfortunately meeting too far away from me), book clubs, political groups, religious and atheist meetups, meetups for dogs, meetups for coffee, for food, for hiking, poker, dating, networking, drawing and crafting, languages, and lots lots lots more. Those are just the ones that come immediately to mind.

The moms groups have been nice. I like most of the moms, even though I don't have as much in common with them as I'd like. The best group I came across is the one I was most skeptical about, and I will have to tell you about it.

But, I will save that for next time! Hah! A little bit of tension-building! Did it work? Or you just don't care. Oh, well. I tried. But, really, you should come back and read about it. It's definitely not what you're thinking. I doubt it anyway. So come back and read about it. It was definitely interesting!

Take care!
R

Hello again . . .

Remember me? Probably not. It's been a long time. Looooooonnngggg time. I'm sure anyone who might have read my blog before has long since stopped reading this. Sorry. Really sorry. But at the same time, this thingie here just ceased to be a priority.

So what's been going on? Lots. I've met new people, been doing new things, been creating artwork again, trying to connect with my family, and going to therapy. There have been some stressful periods of late, mostly concerning possible career moves for my husband, but so far, none have panned out. Can't talk about it much on here, since he is uncomfortable with that. It's okay. No biggie.

I have successfully become a Weight Watchers lifetime member--that's good news! Very good news, in fact. It means I can attend meetings for free now, and that I've been maintaining my weight successfully now. I'm thinking it also means I should get a new tattoo, but they aren't normally FREE, so I will wait on that.

If you've noticed the annoying graphics here on this site, you'll also notice my work on Zazzle and Cafe Press. I hope anyone would appreciate the hours and hours and many sleepless nights put into these projects, lots of self-punishing pressure applied, and lots of stress . . . I've been working hard on these projects, and re-learning a lot about making artwork again. It's been like learning to walk again--the medications for depression and bipolar disorder really threw me for a loop when it came to creativity. I couldn't make art anymore. COULDN'T!! I didn't think it were possible, but put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me, and I truly had no clue what to do. I could start to draw ANYWAY, and end up with . . . Well, either NOTHING or some shaky pointless scribbles that no one would be interested in seeing. It was frustrating, scary, confusing . . . And much more. It was not a good time for me. But I've been practicing making art again, and getting better at using my computer software, and getting better at seeing things creatively again. It's taken me a few solid months of work to get where I am now, so I hope it is understood why I haven't been here too often.

Also, I've been in therapy. This was an outlet at one point, now I don't seem to need it as much. And it felt for a while like I was getting no where with this, like no one cared what I wrote, that I couldn't make a difference. I guess I still feel that way a little bit, but that's not the ONLY reason for keeping this blog, so I hope to return more regularly. I will still be working hard on my artwork and there are transitions going on throughout the family that may distract me, but I will try.

I want to write a bit about what I've been up to, some of the people I've met and such, but I really need to get to bed. We are getting a bit tougher on the potty training thing--my son is almost four and not interested in even TRYING to use the potty--so we are going to have to try to be a bit tougher. I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. I mean, I've never done this whole potty training thing before! But what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to switch tactics! Let's hope this works! I'd hate for him to go to his birthday celebration in diapers or training pants, but it's looking that way so far! I have just over a month to try.

Okay, time to try the sleep thing again. I've had so much on my mind, and my tummy isn't happy. It might be a kind of PMS, or my IBS acting up. Not sure. I just feel crampy. But, I digress.

'Night.
R

Store #2--Floral photographs, prints, gifts

Store #1--floral and animal drawings and more

Probably not blogging . . .

Anyone out there wondering where I've been, I apologize for my long absence. I have been depressed again, this time not so mildly. It's one of those things where I dwell on everything, especially how disappointed I am in humanity at the moment. I don't know any other way to put it. I hate people right now. They disappoint me, disgust me, bore me . . .

Terrorists suck--seems like a no-brainer that terrorism is bad, but if the terrorists don't think they are terrorists, where does that leave us? And then, for that matter, their justifications for terrorism are "self-defense" and things like that. Yeah, maybe so, but what else have you tried on such a global scale to get your message across? Because bombing and killing people just doesn't make sense to the people you're trying to change. We see you as raving lunatics who can't be reasoned with, so more people end up dying on both sides! It's a lose-lose situation. It depresses me.

Then there's China. Oh, China, China, China . . . How disappointed I am with you at the moment. First, it's slaughtering puppies and kittens for fur coats sold as faux fur, then the pet food poisoning, the toothpaste recall . . . I could go on. Recently, defective tires can put people's lives at risk. Do the right thing here! Can we trust imports from this country anymore? If food is being poisoned and consumers are being defrauded, doesn't that mean we shouldn't be buying your products? And why are there so many people out there trying to make money above all else, without thinking of the human cost? Why? And why doesn't anyone else think it's so horrible to be slaughtering puppies, people's pets, and then lying about it? Why isn't there more of an uproar over this? I don't understand it.

Politics has been depressing me, the weather here, feeling bored and unfulfilled . . . I'm getting ready to see a professional, believe me. Don't go there in the comments. I'm already taking care of it. But I'm just so mad I can hardly sleep. And I miss having friends around and having things to do. I am seriously bummed.

So what have I been up to? Not much. Lost more weight, opened a couple of Cafe Press stores, worked on some artwork, planted some tomato and strawberry seeds. That's about it. And I've been sulking and feeling sorry for myself. That's not very interesting, either! Guess I need to find a new hobby!

Well, I'll post the links to my stores shortly, just don't want to tack them on the end of a depressing rant. Hope you understand.

Take care,
R

New Pet Peeve

Now, this is one of the worst things about the automotive industry right now:



So, then it must make sense that we have alternative fuels, right? That must be my new pet peeve.

Well, no, as a matter of fact. My new pet peeve goes to the automotive industry and automobile manufacturers.

What are the new solutions we're given for higher gas prices? Hybrids. Yeah, they still need gas, but it's less. Whoop de doo! Isn't it still just a half-measure, after all? Isn't it? Let's really think about it. It's just because they are afraid to fully commit to something new that they come up with a semi-solution like this. And let me point out that I think electric cars will be the way of the future, and I'll explain why in a moment. So why just make a hybrid? And they resist the idea of a plug-in hybrid because they don't want to be associate with making electric vehicles. Somehow that is a "bad word" in the automotive industry.

So why do cars still run on gas anyway? The internal combustion engine is the only kind of engine that ever really took off for consumers, and there have been relatively few changes since then. Maybe there have been some innovations with fuel efficiency, but mostly only due to lawmakers demands. Otherwise, very little has changed over the many decades that cars have been built. And isn't it archaic to have to stop and refuel a car? Did any of us imagine that the future would have us stopping to refuel so often in order to get around? Shouldn't it make it's own fuel, draw it from the atmosphere, or otherwise make itself go? Now, that would be futuristic!

I think electric-drive vehicles will be the future, mostly because they have the potential to be just that--futuristic! Sure, right now we'd have to plug them in, but someday we could use solar power or some other stored energy. We can always improve the battery and the efficiency of the mileage per charge. Newer batteries hold a charge longer, are safer, cheaper, and can start in lower temperatures than ever. One of the arguments against electric cars is that hydrogen power is more efficient. I would argue that we would still have to stop and refuel (don't want to do that) and they don't start in freezing temperatures. What's the difference if you have to plug in a car vs. refueling? It can be done overnight or when you're already going to be stopped, instead of during your trip. Also, we can improve a battery. It's not like we can improve hydrogen. Maybe that's very oversimplified, but that's the way I see it.

We might even be driving electric vehicles more advanced than we could have imagined, if only automakers had committed to the idea early on. And now the American automakers are falling far behind. Someone is going to build these things, and if it isn't the Americans, someone else is going to do it.

Chevy is about to produce the Volt, a car that is still basically a plug-in hybrid. The versatility is appealing, and I think it's an improvement. It's a nice-looking car, too. But if anything happens to this model, consumers will have flashbacks to the EV-1 controversy all over again (see: Who Killed the Electric Car?) and I doubt the trust could return. The best hope might be for the Zap! crossover called the Zap-X. It's supposed to be affordable, and a true electric vehicle. Sexy-looking thing, too! Or maybe the practical Phoenix motorcar consumer vehicles to be produced soon, especially since they have an affordable price tag ($50,000 or less?) and they have been built for a few years now as fleet vehicles. The experience is there, the product, and the innovation. The batteries are being mass-produced now, too, which has potential to lower the cost to consumers. Looks good all-around for the electric vehicle.

So, is that it? My problem is that automakers aren't producing electric cars? No, not exactly. My problem is that when they do produce them, they are either expensive toys, like the Venturi Fetish or the Tesla Roadster (both of which top $100,000 easily), or they are ridiculous-looking contraptions that no one would want to be seen in, that only work in very specific driving situations like neighborhood driving. Please, automakers, give up the idea of the Neighborhood Electric Vehicle! Give it up! It looks stupid, it's basically a golf cart (which exists already, in case you haven't noticed) and no one needs them! The only thing they accomplish by building these things is to produce so-called evidence that consumers don't want electric vehicles! No, that's not true! We don't want stupid electric vehicles! That's what we don't want, you idiots! Make something practical that we might actually spend our money on, that we might actually need or use, but so far that doesn't seem to be the trend. Guess we need to find a way to prove that we would actually buy these things so they will put their resources into making them, then maybe we'll get some decent products out there.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I have a good recipe for salsa coming, and I will post my taco recipe, too.

I'll try to blog ya later with lighter subjects, and not just my ranting! Thanks for reading!

R

Bummer.

I just found out that the sugar-free caramel syrup I was so excited about at Starbucks is only one of those flavor syrups and not caramel syrup after all. I guess it wouldn't really make a caramel machiatto after all. :( But at least the vanilla can be sugar-free, I guess. And the creme base has a lighter version. Still good news, but not as good as I had thought.

And I apologize for my delay in blogging. Just for whatever reason I have been staying away. I've been trying to nurture my creativity and my energy, and working on those kind of endeavors, I suppose. I've even been cooking! I made a fantastic healthy version of taco meat yesterday, and some delicious chalupa shells, all low in fat and in Weight Watchers points. I will have to post the recipe as soon as I figure out the amounts of everything. I'm one of those people who doesn't measure when they cook, which can be annoying when I try to pass on recipes. I choose to "intuit" when I cook, I guess. But it turns out well, usually. I'm very pleased with the tacos from last night. If I ever had to move farther away from San Antonio and Texas, I think I would feel much more reassured if I can take some of my comfort foods with me, and even better if I can find healthier versions of them. Happy me.

I think I was also trying to avoid posting about my visit. I had a great time, and I got to visit with more of my missed family and friends than I thought I would be able to. But I also became worried about CJ. She was sick while I was home, and it's hard to watch her struggle to find a job and to get her life together. I worry quite a bit about her, even though I think I have enough of my own problems to worry me. I guess that's what it's like to have family, I don't know. She sounded in very good spirits when I talked to her today, though. That's good. She has a lot of positive qualities that I think she can overlook, and that gets her down. And she still has work to do getting her life back from depression. It can feel pretty daunting when the road ahead seems so long. If she can hang in there and find her strength, I think she can have a rewarding life. I hope she will not give up. (CJ: Listen to that Finn Brothers CD some more!)

But I also got to reconnect with my mother for the first time in a long time. For a while I think we had been drifting apart. But we got to talk for quite a while. It was really worth it for me. I enjoyed it. And H and I had a good time just at Starbucks and shopping at Wal-Mart. But it was too short, as usual.

I managed to avoid telling my dad that I was coming, mostly to see if I could surprise him. I thought it would be fun. Turns out, my grandmother was coming to lunch as well, and she didn't know I was coming down, either! So I got to surprise 2 people! My dad seemed very shocked to see me, and my grandmother was so sweet and she hugged me a lot. It was nice. And we had good food. I even had self-control in the face of Tex-Mex, a huge accomplishment for me! I only ate 3 tortilla chips and 1 flour tortilla, and I had two yummy cheese enchiladas topped with chile con carne, some of the tastiest Mexican rice, and refried beans that remind me of homemade. It was an awesome lunch. And we had coffee, too. I made three trips to the same Starbucks in one day! First with CJ in the morning, with Dad and grandma in the afternoon, and with H in the evening.

Sunday I chatted with mom some more, and took CJ to an emergency clinic. It turned out to be very expensive since she doesn't have insurance, and they did tests and ran an IV. She had the stomach flu and needed to be hydrated. I'm sure her immune system was weak from having it once before so recently, but she was (and probably still is) pretty worried about it. I guess I understand. My own health can cause me quite a bit of concern. But she's fine, I'm sure. And then I had to drive home, tired from lack of sleep, and shaking from caffeine overdose. But it was an okay drive. Ben had some car sickness on the way down, so he had a children's dose of Bonine (like Dramamine, but with a more stupid name) and he didn't throw up again.

Well, that's about it. I guess I will wash up and get ready for bed. Sunday is grocery day, and C tries to get some "off" time. So it will be just "me and the E" tomorrow.

Night-night for now, and I'll do my best to blog ya later.

R

Just a quick . . .

. . . hello, and a note to say I'm back from my trip.

I went to San Antonio over the weekend to visit family and friends. I had a great time, ate some great food, and now I'm back home again. I will probably write more on that soon, just not right now. I'm getting ready to eat dinner.

But I have some good news. In spite of a car trip and some fabulous Tex-Mex, I still lost 0.8 pounds! The last time I went out of town in a car, I gained 1 pound on my return. So it was a triumphant feeling to hear that I had lost weight this time.

And--more good news! From the land of Starbucks, I hear that the many varieties of creme Frappuccino drinks now have a LIGHT version! Woohoo! I can fit those green tea Frappuccinos back into my diet again! And, as if it could get any better than that, they now have a SUGAR-FREE caramel syrup, too! Now those Caramel Macchiatos and iced Caramel Macchiatos I used to love can be absolutely sugar-free! I'm a happy gal.

More stuff to follow. My dinner is ready. Look for the goodies at your local Starbucks. If they aren't there yet, they will hopefully be in your neighborhood soon.

Blog ya later,
R

Positive and Negative

Ever think about that? Whether your life is mostly positive or mostly negative? I think depressed people think about that a lot. We focus on the negative things and give them more weight than they really have. A book I read described it as looking through the "lens of depression" as if it tinted everything you saw. I think that's true.

But have you ever thought about changing an event, thought, experience, etc. from one to the other? We probably do it all the time without noticing. Perhaps you had a great time on a date, then find out the person you were with lied to you about something, then the date that was once wonderful is suddenly tainted and painful. The event still passed in a happy way, but looking back, you might have changed it in your mind into a negative memory.

The opposite is something I've been trying to focus on--turning negative experiences into positive ones. It's a healthier attitude and one that I think my life could really use.

So, turning a negative into a positive could just be that you learned a lesson from something that you did wrong. Taking a lesson from a mistake could make that experience worthwhile, even if you can't change what you did. A more difficult way of turning negative to positive is to take an experience that was traumatic, devastating, woeful, fearful, or otherwise horrible, and make it something you can benefit from. Maybe not all negatives are possible to become positives, I don't know. But I'm working from the assumption that they are all potential lessons or benefits waiting to be discovered.

For example, I believe I've mentioned in my blog before that I had some horrific memories of my life in junior high and high school. For years, I've told myself that I would never admit that any of those experiences had made me stronger or made me empathetic to suffering or anything that might make it better for me. I refused to do so thinking that if I learned something, became stronger, or anything like that, I would also be saying to myself that those people who hurt me had somehow done me a favor. They had helped make me a better person by tormenting me every day of my formative years and making me consider suicide at a young age. But that's not really the truth. No, they didn't do me any favors, that's for sure. But finding something positive from all of that torment actually gave me power that I thought they had taken away. Back then, those people had the power to make me unhappy, and they wanted to. But if I turn it around, make something out of that time in my life, I can take that power away from them. I can go back to that girl and tell her how I would be a more sympathetic person, a stronger person, and a person who can handle adversity and still prevail. I learned that I can fight through depression, that suicide would have been a terrible loss knowing all of the wonderful things I've experienced since then . . . I can go on. I can give that girl I was the strength that I have now, since she didn't know she was strong. I can take something out of that time that I didn't know I could. And no one takes the credit but me for doing that. My tormentors had no higher cause to making me miserable, but I have a choice of how to view it. So I choose the higher cause.

Well, it's nappy time for the boy, so I think I'll take a bit of a break. Blog you folks later.

R

Good News.

I've lost a full 25 pounds since I started Weight Watchers! Yep, all that hard work is actually paying off. Let me say that I thought I would be lucky to lose 10 pounds in 6 months, so I didn't think to hope I would lose 25 pounds in less than 4 months. The last 9 pounds will go more slowly, I believe, but at least I know I can do it if I work at it. I feel more "in control" than ever.

And as I was playing a toddler version of hopscotch on our small back patio, I noticed that my husband's eyes were on me and not my son. I asked him why he was watching me, and he said, "I can't help it if I have a hot wife."

:)

Wow, a "hot wife"! Me? Pretty cool. And very nice of my husband to say so. He might be a bit biased, but it is very very nice to hear.

Lots of boosts to my self-esteem lately. :)

And, I really hate to have so many product endorsements (such as Weight Watchers) but when I find something I like, I tell everyone about it. And I think WW is worth the money and time and effort. You can tell that I am passionate about it. And I want to mention another product that I am thrilled with lately. It is Olay Regenerist Thermal Skin Polisher. It is awesome! My adult acne is clearing, scars are fading, dry skin disappearing, and wrinkles smoothing . . . I love it. I keep getting comments on how good my skin looks, and let me say I have NEVER gotten compliments on my skin! I have had acne since I was in 3rd grade, and I am not exaggerating on that. I've had bad skin my whole life. And now I get compliments. Mostly from people who know what my skin looked like before, but I know how bad it was. I've tried truckloads of products and lost enthusiasm over all of them, but this one is worth the money. I think it says 10 straight days is equivalent to a mini-peel, and I think that's true. I think that my skin is a lot better than it was, and I've only been using this for a month. Go out and buy it! :)

Guess that's enough pointless blogging for a night. I'll be back soon with more!

Blog ya later,
R

Maybe . . .

I might be able to visit San Antonio this Friday. I hate to sound too definite since I always jinx myself, but it sounds like a good possibility. Get some Tex-Mex, visit the fam, maybe have coffee with H . . . Should be a good time, but too brief, as usual.

I might be able to finish the 100 Things About Me post I'm planning. I'm in the 80s now. I think I was planning to procrastinate on that a bit, but I realized I've been doing that for way too long. Some of the stuff I had earlier on the list wasn't even accurate anymore. So I'm gonna give it another go . . .

I might be able to work on some art soon. C bought me a craft armoire for my art and jewelry goodies, so I can have a place to work and a place to store (and lock up) my art supplies when I need E to stay out. I've been having creative ideas, too, lately, so I'd like to follow up on that. I know it sounds boring to post that I've been having ideas, but with the bipolar meds, that is really an accomplishment. A huge turning point, since the meds dull creative reflexes I've been honing for so many years. A part of me has been missing since therapy, and now I might be getting back the only part of the "old" me that I really missed. Good news for me . . .

I might . . .

Have some more stuff to write about later. I guess I have to get the E-man to bed. He didn't nap, and we had a shopping expedition with his piggy bank money today, so he's especially tired and fussy. So I guess it's night-night time. I'm pretty tired, too, since I spent a good hour vacuuming today. I'm pretty hard-core about the vacuum, too. I treat it like a workout, get my weight gloves on so I can vacuum without worrying about pain, and then I even dig through those nasty rollers with my bare hands to dig out the carpet fuzz and other creepies. It takes a while. But I have a clean house, too. So I guess the routine is worth it. Payoffs everywhere! :)

Well, take care, and come back again!

R

Why can't I be positive?

Not positive as in "you're pregnancy test is positive," but positive in that I am a very negative person. I try not to be, try to look for the good in life and in myself, but it's hard.

I realized today that I have been teaching myself to dislike who I am for years and years, and it's hard to un-learn something that powerful. How many times I tried to hide in plain sight from the kids in school who tormented me as they kicked me, surrounded me and grabbed my privates, as they drew on my clothes, spat on me, threw large wads of paper at my head, slammed me into walls as they passed, stole things from me, laughed at my voice, my walk, my parents income, my clothes . . . Everything. I thought if I could make myself as invisible as possible, they wouldn't notice me enough to tease me. I hated public speaking, and I still have yet to be comfortable with it. I hate brightly-colored clothing--it singles me out. And being fat only made me feel worse, but I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I had medical conditions and medications that made weight loss difficult, and I think I told myself that with those barriers, I just couldn't lose weight, so I might as well give up. Or not try. Eh, the lies I told myself to feel better about eating and get over the guilt. But I'm only a few pounds from my goal weight now, and I have to start believing that I'm not a fat person. I think I still am, in my mind. Changing those things about myself that I have believed for so long may be the toughest things I've had to face, even tougher than therapy for depression had been.

I think I thought that therapy did all the work for you. Once I got over the stigma of seeing a therapist--the dreaded therapist of flaky Hollywood stars and weird tin-foil wearing hoarders of cats--I could focus on the recovery. It was all me, much to my dismay. I had to do the work, I had to change, I had to keep on track. Why I thought the therapist would do all the work is beyond me now, but that's what I thought at the time. It was hard to get through, but it's the labor of change that heals. Without it, you don't become stronger, and you don't learn how to keep yourself strong in the future.

I'm sold on Weight Watchers and on therapy. I highly recommend them both, by the way. Anything that can help and expedite a recovery or benefit, I am all for it. Why wait? Why suffer? Why wait for your situation to change, when it may not? Just find a way to heal and stick with it. I wasted too much of my life as it is, hoping I wouldn't have to go to Weight Watchers or to therapy, but the whole time I did, I was still unhealthy. I might have been able to do it on my own, but it would have taken much longer. And the help is there, and I learned a lot more in a short time than I could have learned over years and years of struggling on my own. And I still did it myself--all the work was mine--I earned it. But I had coursework to back it up. Don't underestimate it, or yourself. Therapy rocks. And so does Weight Watchers. And the things I have learned apply to when I'm not on a program or in therapy, so I can continue the benefit. You can't top that, in my opinion.

Anyone else see the Spurs win? Was that not cool? I am so happy for them, my hometown team. Underdogs, still, after all of these years, but a great team with lots of great players. Someone can always pick up the slack. Still, I'm sorry for Avery Johnson and the Mavericks. I was hoping they would do better. The next game is tonight, but it might be the last. I think they may have been over-confident after such a great season, and they weren't prepared for the ferocity of the playoffs. It's a real shame, since I know they are a great team. And Avery is such a nice guy, San Antonio still has a soft spot in their hearts for him. Good luck to them tonight, but good luck to the Spurs, too, next series.

Well, enough rambling. I will probably post some more lists, soon. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid the "100 Things About Me" list I was working on, since I don't know if I can find 100 things. Oh, well. So I'll spread it out! And I can talk about my pets, too, something 100 things about me wouldn't cover. So, read on, if you're interested. :)

Thanks for visiting, and till next time, blog ya later.

R

Names I Call My Dog

My sweet Benny, I've given him a ton of nicknames. For starters:

• Benny
• Bennie and the Jets
• Benny-Boy
• Ben-Ben
• Bennster
• Pom-Pom
• Pocket Dog
• Pocket Pup
• Pocket Poof
• Pet Poof
• Bark Machine
• Shut Up

And my favorite: Fuzzlebum.

I think he knows I'm talking to him every time, but I can't be sure. He's not exactly in the running for the dog version of MENSA. Not the brightest dog, but certainly the cutest! He's a little clown who gives me doggie hugs and kisses every day, and follows me around like a shadow. Very sweet, without a vicious bone in his body. Just so you know . . .

Introducing you to my Benny. :)

R

Viruses and Neurons

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

Animal Pee

How can I hear this phrase on an (almost) daily basis? I'll give you a hint:

"A - B - C - D - E - F - G, H - I - J - K - animal - pee, Q - R - S, T - U - V, W - X, Y - and - Z."

At least, that's what it sounds like when my son sings it.

R

Okay, thought of some more things . . .

Icky-pants:

• Using a razor wayyyy longer than you're supposed to, in order to save money on groceries.
• Toddler tantrums
• When traffic is leaving the speedway on a weekend and half those 100,000 people decide to find a "short cut" down the street in front of my subdivision. Then traffic is bumper-to-bumper on every avenue of travel for a few hours each day.
  
• Getting my period
• Cleaning poo off of my dog's fur--poofy Pomeranian butt! :)
• Did I mention gas prices? Just thought I should mention it again.
• When the shows I watch are over for another season, and I have to wait for the NEW season to air, then come out on DVD so I can finally see it! We watch a few HBO shows now.
• And I hate finding large, hairy, quick, aggressive spiders around my house!

Happy:

• When my son hugs me without prompting
• Clean cars
• A clean house
• When I hear my son singing made-up songs in his room
• A full kitchen of groceries
• Meteor showers
• Finding a great shopping deal
• eBay! ;)
• Scrabble
• Roller-coasters!
• And finding money I forgot about!

That's enough for now. Blog ya later!

R

Some things I think are icky-pants:

In no particular order:

• Bugs (especially ants, roaches, and bees/wasps)
• Poopy diapers
• Prejudice
• President Bush
• Animal cruelty
• The fact that no one seems to care about the faux fur fallacy
• Loss
• I can't stop missing my Missy rabbit . . . :(
• I miss my Qui-Qui-doggie, too. :(
• People who abuse children--beyond icky-pants!
• Not having enough money to go to Starbucks
• Running out of books to sell to Half-Price books to get money to go to Starbucks
• When I don't have time to shower
• Getting blood drawn
• Shrimp--I swear, they are just "ocean roaches" to me!
• War
• Gas prices! Major-ly icky, and keeping me from visiting home!
• Rotten produce in my crisper--especially when it begins to liquefy! I really do clean out my fridge, but sometimes the rotting happens very quickly!
• Anytime I have to clean up vomit--human, canine--doesn't matter!
• Bad dreams
• When clothes are too small
• People who tailgate
• Smoking
• Insomnia
• Suffering
• Littering
• more stuff I'll add when I've had enough sleep . . .

Nighty-night, such as it is.

R

Things that make me happy!

In no particular order:

• When my son laughs so hard his laughs become silent.
• Tickling my boy!
• Sunsets.
• Taking pictures.
• Seeing artwork in a museum that I had only seen in books before.
• Wildflowers, especially in south-central Texas, where they are seen along the highway en masse, and you can't even see the grass anymore.
• When my dog smiles as he plays.
• When my husband comes home from work.
• Getting an unexpected hug.
• Chocolate!
• Coffee!
• Starbucks!
• When I can make a coherent sentence that actually sounds intelligent, especially if I can use big words! ;)
• My family.
• Lucid dreaming. Pretty cool, if I can do it.
• Dreaming about my pets, whom I miss very much.
• The ocean.
• Paris, France.
• Really good Tex-Mex food.
• Mexican bakeries--lots of colors and unique breads.
• The feeling after a long shower.
• Losing weight.
• Finding clothes that fit well.
• Shopping!
• That semi-annual sale at Bath and Body Works.
• Walking on sand.
• Thunderstorms.
• Cool weather.
• Traveling.
• Airplane tickets in my hand!
• Making jewelry.
• Painting.
• Emails from my family.
• Getting catalogs in the mail.
• Hugging my husband and my son.
• Interior decorating.
• 24
• Getting into new tv shows with my husband.
• Shopping for beads with my friend, H.
• Having coffee with my dad.
• When my artificial tan comes out right.
• Buying stuff for the house.
• Taking naps with my dog.

Okay, I guess that's enough for now. At least I can think of happy things, I know you'll be relieved! Time to go get that decent shower I've been waiting for, and to get out of the house for a little bit on this lovely spring day.

Blog ya later,
R

My son is a hippy . . .

. . . but hopefully not for long! He needs a haircut pretty bad. The plan is to shower, shave, and put on some warm-weather clothes (finally) and get out to the salon with my boy. We have a bit of money left over from Millie's gift check from last week, so we can finally swing the whole haircut thing . . . We've put it off to long, too, too long.

I made dinner last night. I've been trying to keep up with cooking when I can, since it's much more economical and often more nutritious and healthy. Last night was macaroni and cheese, a food-makeover recipe from the Weight Watchers website. Honestly, it didn't taste very good. One of those recipes that just didn't work out, I guess. I think we'll just toss the leftovers. Not like me, since I hate to throw out food when there are starving people in the world, but this was just . . . blekh! So, all my efforts in the kitchen were in vain, the steam burn on my arm, the spilled cheese on the stove, the cost of the groceries, the time . . . For nothing! Why do I bother? I don't know. I think I'm a pretty handy person in the kitchen. A lot of my recipes come out pretty good, and I can make some of my grandmother's Mexican food . . . But in this case, I blame it entirely on the recipe. Not my fault, I tell ya! I can only do so much to fix a recipe that's faulty! I'm not sure how it ever got on the website, to be honest with you. They must not have tried this one first.

Guess what my son is doing right now? No, guess, really! I'll give you a sec . . . Okay, give up? He is actually pretending to vacuum! Got the vacuum unit out and everything. He's telling me it'll be loud, and he just needs to get to the hall, then he'll be done. Then he checks the carpet setting and pushes it around some more. It looks kinda heavy for him to handle, but he's doing it. Not something I would think a 3-year-old would find interesting, but . . . He surprises me every day. Monday he wanted me to pretend his binoculars were a purse while we shopped for shoes. I tried to tell him boys and men didn't need purses, only ladies. But he wanted it to be a purse sooooo baddd! Whattayagonnado? He spends a lot of time with his mommy.

Well, that's it, I guess. I will probably post some lists and stuff next. CJ will know all this stuff, but just in case there is someone out there who wants to get to know me a bit, this'll be for you. Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

FYI

If you've never had a colonoscopy, let me tell you a bit about what goes on. Just a little heads-up from Your's Truly.

The day before the procedure, you don't get to eat--the entire day! That is, you DON'T EAT AT ALL the day before the procedure. Whew. That was a tough one to chew, no pun intended. Then you basically overdose on laxatives and spend the rest of the afternoon wearing a path in the carpet toward the bathroom. No food or water the morning of the procedure, and you get an IV line (which hurts because you're dehydrated), warm blankets, and a faded hospital gown. The doc says hi and then you get sleepy, then you wake up in the recovery room feeling like you were abducted by aliens. Memory gets fuzzy after that. Lots of sleeping, and voracious eating to follow, which may continue the next day as well.

And guess what I found out after all of this? Nothing. They just say it might be IBS, or irritable bowel syndrome. Seems like a catch-all diagnosis to me, like they don't really know what's wrong. The pain seems better, though, and the doctor said stress could have brought on much of the symptoms, too. So, I guess it was worthwhile for that reason.

I haven't felt like blogging for a while. I've had some energy lately, and I finally spent it doing some housecleaning. The house was getting ready to beg me for it, I really think so. But now it's done and looking almost like new again. And I got to shop for some shoes for my boy, who was almost walking on the soles of his feet instead of shoes by now. So I've been using my energy for other things, I guess, and not really blogging. Sometimes it feels depressing to blog, mostly because my life seems so dull sometimes, and also because I don't think anybody reads this. It almost seems pointless. But I'm usually glad once I've done it, so I guess I'll try to get back into the habit. It's a small way of making connections with the world. So, here I am.

Anyone want to learn 100 things about me? It's coming up, once I can think of 100 things to say about myself. I'm finally into the 70s. That was already pretty tough. But I'll keep working on it.

Ah, well, I guess that's it for now. Thanks for reading, for anyone who's still left out there. Thanks. Bye for now.

R

Specialist

The visit was this afternoon with the specialist in digestive medicine. He took my concerns very seriously, listened to me, asked lots of questions, and scheduled several tests. I am hoping at least I will come out of this with a diagnosis, no matter how grave it might be. I would really just like to know what is wrong, and then go from there. He said it could be nothing, something benign, or even something serious, so we will work on finding out the cause for my pain. I am just grateful for his efforts.

I had blood drawn, and the phlebotomist was absolutely awesome! I very rarely walk out of a medical lab saying that. I'm not sure I felt anything at all, he was that good. For a phobic, that is great news. And he was very accommodating to my son, teaching him numbers on the calendar while I did the other tests ordered. He got tons of compliments, too.

And that was my day, highlighted by a trip to Starbucks and the bakery outlet, and a decently long nap. I feel better already, even if it is just in my state of mind. More tests now scheduled for Wednesday, and hopefully I will find out soon what the trouble has been all about. I will let you folks know what I know when I know it. But so far, just waiting for results. I will probably not post the next Wednesday, since I will be dopey from the test, and tomorrow will be spent with my Millie. I'll do my best to be back here Saturday. Maybe tomorrow night if I get enough rest! We'll see.

That's pretty much what I needed to tell, just what's been going on and why I haven't been posting. I've been in some pain, and not feeling well. Thanks for caring, and for checking in on me. It means a lot.

Love,
R

Bad Blogger!

Bad, bad, bad, bad blogger! I just have not been updating this blog I have not been telling everyone about the terrible sore throat my hubby has been suffering from. I have not been telling everyone about the time E laughed at me when I stuck out my tongue at him, then gasped, pink-cheeked and dimpled, giving me a breathy, "Again!" He laughed so hard he could barely breathe, then told me, "You're cracking me up!" It's the first time I've ever heard him use that expression! Very funny!

I failed to mention the birthday my mom had on Sunday, then my sister today. Then I avoided blogging about the weight loss I've achieved at my meetings, even though I'm very proud of myself. I've failed to mention how little sleep I've gotten over the pet food scare, worried my dog will get sick, even though he doesn't eat canned food, but only dry. I haven't mentioned how I can still cry over my Missy rabbit, how much I still dream about my Qui-Qui dog, how I see them in my dreams if I can only sleep. I still worry about the dogs and cats in China, although I've been writing about that. I wish I could stop the pain those animals feel, if only I could stop one more animal from being tortured, I could finally sleep.

But I'm worried about the pain in my side. It's been getting worse. I have to wait until tomorrow to get it checked out by a doctor, and I don't know if they will even do any tests at all, or if I'll have to wait, or if they will just don't-worry-you're-pretty-little-head me and send me on my way. Will I get a good doctor? Will he know what to do? Will he have a clue? Will it be anything serious? How soon can I be treated? Can it be treated? I'm just worried about so many things, I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I really wish I could have my family here right now. I miss them. I would like to have people around me who will at least sound concerned about it . . . I think I'm trying to avoid worrying Millie, and C has had his own health concerns, so I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it except on the phone with CJ. I get tired of talking on the phone, though. I just want to be able to talk. Just sit and talk.

And I worry about money. So many unexpected bills creep up, and having medical expenses doesn't help. The ultrasound I just got will be another $120 or so, then there are whatever tests the specialist decides to do. And then we're running short on groceries again, and we have very little money until the next pay period, about a week-and-a-half from now. And wouldn't it be nice just to be able to afford a pair of pants that fit, to celebrate my weight loss with new clothes . . . Or to go out for coffee. . . Or buy E those new shoes he's been needing . . . Or buy a few things for the house, or a new toaster, or a million other things.

I've been feeling pretty down. Pretty depressed. I think we're doing pretty well financially, especially compared with how we were doing in San Antonio. But there are always times when it seems like there is never enough money. I guess that will always be the case, but it's frustrating. I feel like I don't contribute enough, even though I do my best, with all my faults, to keep the house running smoothly and to take care of my son. I wish I could do more, like help with earning the money. And I wish I could find the time or organization or something to be able to enjoy my hobbies (like painting or jewelry-making). I want to travel and to learn new things . . .

I think I might be going through another phase where I just feel vaguely unfulfilled. No real reason, I guess. Not really ennui, or dissatisfaction, or anything I can put my finger on. It's nothing that anyone can help me with, either. I have to figure out something, or answer a question, or something I haven't discerned . . . I don't know what it is. But it makes me feel lonely.

Anyway, since this blog has become so extremely depressing, I do apologize. Anyone who's still reading, I appreciate it. I am thankful that anyone out there might actually care what I'm thinking or going through . . . Leave a comment so I know you're there, if you will. Thanks.

R

Fake Fur Update

Not only has this story been picked up by the Associated Press, but this issue is now being presented on the BBC website, lending more credibility to this horrible deception.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6205093.stm

If you want to be able to take action, please follow this link to the Humane Society's website to send a letter to congress for better labeling laws and enforcement.

https://community.hsus.org/campaign/FED_2007_fur_labeling?qp_source=gaba2c

Sorry to get so serious and so political, but I just can't sit by while animals are being used in such a horrific fashion. I hope you, too, will find a way to help, just look at your own beloved pets for inspiration. As much as you would not want that pet to suffer, think of how these animals are being treated across the world in China. Help them. They deserve it, even if it's just a small action, it could set off a chain reaction that could stop this torture once and for all.

Thank you.
R

Very Upset

First of all, I'm very upset about the story I recently read about the faux fur fallacy. I've even been losing sleep over this, and I think there aren't very many other people concerned about this. I don't understand why there isn't more of a reaction in the news community (yet?). Let me tell you a few of the reasons why I think there should be worldwide backlash:

• Consumer deception--People who may have the right intentions, wanting to buy fake fur to save the lives of innocent animals, are being deceived. How horrible I would feel if I found out the fur-trimmed jacket I bought was really someone's German shepherd puppy pelt.
• People are losing pets--beloved family members, children's playmates, cuddly pets are being stolen. How heartbroken I would feel if I found out my sweet Pomeranian had been kidnapped and then tortured for his fur. It's unbearable to think about.
• Unimaginable pain and suffering--These animals are undergoing the kind of pain and horror we usually only see in horror films of serial killers on a bloody rampage. It's gruesome and inhumane on so many levels. Just because they are dogs or cats doesn't mean we should treat them like this. Watching their cell-mates skinned alive, seeing their bodies hanging around, waiting for the same fate they know is coming . . . Crying as they are strangled but still alive, helpless to stop the pain as they feel their own flesh being torn from their bodies . . . It's a fate no one and no being should have to go through.
• This isn't justifiable in any way--Animals being killed not for food, but for fur. There's no higher purpose to the killings, just vanity. The suffering of these animals is something people around the world have tried to prevent, but it's still going on, and it's worse than before. The deception, the kidnapping, the torture are all things people are believing do not exist.
  
• Don't we owe it to humanity to check into this? I know I am horrified thinking that this might be going on. I've been losing sleep over the fact that I know I cannot stop the next animal from suffering unimaginably, that there will be more and more before the truth can come to light. If it isn't true, wonderful. Wonderful! But if it is true, we need to do something. Can't we investigate? Please? I feel helpless right now.

More nights of sleeplessness await, I know. And over an issue that isn't yet confirmed. But I need to know. And I need to know when it is stopped, if this is confirmed in any way. I beg for people to help.

One more reason for disappointment on my part is the fact that I had a pointless doctor visit yesterday. The doctor basically told me he didn't know what was causing my pain, gave me a prescription for something that would alleviate symptoms I don't have, and told me to follow up with the doctor who sent me to him in the first place. Typical medical community two-step that I danced back in San Antonio before I moved here. I miss Doctor Roldan. He always helped me, had great intuition, and never left questions unanswered. Great caring doctor. I wish I could drive home just to see him, but I don't think my insurance would approve.

Well, that's enough depressing news for one day. I'm sure I've lost readership (such as it was) over these topics. Who needs to hear why someone else is miserable? I don't know. Sorry to anyone else who is still reading, waiting for some iota of entertainment value. Sorry.

Take care, and I will blog ya later,
R

Link to the original article copied below

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=444606&in_page_id=1879

Author Andrea Thompson, 26 March, 2007

Very Important Message for Animal Lovers

I just received this, and I couldn't even read all of it, it was so horrible. You may not be able to either, but I think more people should know about this, mostly because of the inhumanity. The methods used by these companies should make your heart break, and hopefully inspire change in such a deplorable industry. Please read.

 Slaughter house: China butchers cats and dogs to satisfy the west's hunger

>for fur

>

>

>

>It sounds too grotesque for words. But pelts from slaughtered cats and dogs

>are being passed off as 'ethical' fur. Last week, the US fashion industry

>cracked down on dubious ladelling, not good news for British shoppers as

>fashion insiders predict a flood of rejects from the US

>

>The short video would have made even the most hardened fur-lover recoil. A

>grey longhaired German shepherd puppy is hauled from its cage by the neck

>before being strung up by a wire noose, which slowly strangles it to within

>an inch of its life. It is then skinned alive whilst blinking helplessly

>and moaning in agony.

>

>A PR disaster for the fur trade, this video is part of a huge campaign by

>the Humane Society of the United States.

>

>It culminated last week in the international animal rights charity exposing

>shocking new evidence that coats purchased from the top-end US designer

>store, Nordstrom, which stocks designer labels including Calvin Klein and

>Tommy Hilfiger, were found to be trimmed with fur from domestic dogs, even

>though the fur was advertised as fake.

>

>There was public outrage and the fashion industry in New York is still

>feeling the shockwaves. Panic set in as top names Calvin Klein, DKNY and

>Rocawear, and celebrities including Beyonce and P-Diddy whose fashion lines

>were stocked instore, rushed out statements expressing disgust.

>

>Described in shock news headlines as the 'biggest industry-wide deception'

>in recent years, it began after a tip-off from a customer who bought a

>surprisingly soft coat marked 'faux fur'.

>

>DNA tests revealed it to be domestic dog originating in China, which

>supplies well over half of the fur to the global market and is renowned for

>its inhumane killing methods.

>

>Other coats were found to be the skins of similarly banned members of the

>canine family, such as Racoon dog and wolf.

>

>There have been whispers for some time about the increase in dog and cat

>fur entering the global fur chain.

>

>But last week's news finally blew the lid off the scandal. And those naïve

>enough to believe that this is an isolated incident are in for a wake up

>call.

>

>In America importing cat and dog furs into the country has been outlawed

>since 2000. But in the UK - a nation famed for its animal lovers - there is

>no law banning the import of cat and dog fur at all, making it even more

>likely that a similar scandal could emerge.

>

>The Britsh Fur Association has signed up to a voluntary EU labelling scheme

>in a bid to reassure shoppers that its pelts are not tainted by cat and dog

>fur, and this autumn it plans to launch the Origin Assured (AO) label which

>will confirm that 'a product comes from a country where national or local

>regulations or standards governing fur production are in force'.

>

>But unlike Australia, New Zealand and 5 other EU countries, the UK

>government has so far refused calls to sign up to a blanket ban on such

>imports.

>

>"Because fur is often dyed and treated, it is almost impossible to

>establish with 100 per cent certainty the true origin of the fur in our

>stores and markets," says Mark Glover, UK Director of Humane Society

>International.

>

>"With DNA testing proving expensive and time consuming, and garments

>needing to be sent abroad for analysis, it is also impossible to check

>every garment that enters the market.

>

>"It is now widely established that much of the exceptionally real feeling

>faux fur on sale in street market stalls across the country, like that in

>the US, is actually real."

>

>Last week's US clampdown is also expected to have a huge knock on effect

>globally - with imports of dog and cat fur now flooding the European market

>where legislation is more lax and demand for fur is equally high.

>

>But with most high street retailers and several top designer brands moving

>production to China in a bid to keep costs down, how long will it be before

>a major UK fashion chain is caught out? And when a cat pelt, can be bought

>in china for less than two dollars (compared with $6 for a dog) it is not

>suprising that many retailers turn a blind eye to its origins.

>

>Cat fur is soft and luxurious enabling it to be passed off as any number of

>more expensive furs. While German Shepherd is the most popular breed of dog

>because its long fur so closely resembles that of wild animals such as

>coyote or racoon. Labrador and Alsatian pelts have also been found.

>

>Recent figures reveal that China slaughters over two million cat and dogs

>every year to satisfy Western demand - supplying 50% of the fur in America.

>

>"How much of this is cat and dog pelt is impossible to tell but official

>figures reveal that 5,400 cats and dogs are slaughtered across China every

>day with the majority shipped to the West- someone has to be buying them,"

>adds Glover.

>

>While campaigners are pushing for EU-wide measures to ban the sale of cat

>and dog in all 25 member nations, the RSPCA says there is a strong

>likelihood that cat and dog fur is being worn by unsuspecting customers in

>a variety of fur trims.

>

>One major high street chain was even also forced to withdraw all fur from

>its collections after jackets trimmed with 'coyote' were found to be dog

>fur.

>

>Wander through Covent Garden's jubilee market or celebrity favourite

>Portobello Road any afternoon and you are confronted by a vast array of fur

>lined gloves, coats, hats and accessories priced at rock bottom prices,

>such as £10 for a pair of leather fur lined gloves.

>

>Some are labelled 'genuine fur', others simply 'made in china' but because

>most of these garmets fall outside the usual mink or fox labels, they are

>imported under the 'Other fur' category, which means retailers are not

>legally obliged to state which animal they come from.

>

>"The demand for fur this winter has been so high that I've struggled to

>keep up," said one retailer in Covent Garden's Jubilee Market this week.

>

>Asked if he knew the origin of the fur on a pair of black leather gloves he

>was selling he shrugged his shoulders. Such demand inevitably means buyers

>are less discerning about its source.

>

>Posing as potential buyers, animal charity Care for the Wild International

>(CWI) went undercover in London and Hong Kong to reveal the extent to which

>Chinese fur is flooding the UK market. They were offered a range of skins

>including leopard and domestic cats skins.

>

>While many originate from Spain, the vast majority are Chinese. The vast

>majority of 'rabbit' pom pom scarves - popular for the past two winters,

>and a snip at £5 is available in markets up and down the UK - were exposed

>as cat fur.

>

>The Humane Society International first revealed Europe's role in the dog

>and cat fur back in 1998. As part of the original inquiry, investigators

>followed pelts across the world to France and Germany, where the fur was

>being made into coats, clothing trim, glove linings, and children's toys.

>The fur was also found in Spain, Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Italy, and the

>Netherlands.

>

>Sickening evidence collected included a blanket made out of 4 golden

>retrievers bought in Copenhagen, individual cat skins complete with eye

>holes, paws and tales in Barcelona and a full length coat made out of up to

>42 Alsatian puppies bought in Berlin. And in spite of anti-fur campaigners,

>the demand for fur in general on our high streets this winter was higher

>than ever before.

>

>Sales in the UK topped 50 million for the first time - up 30 per cent on

>two years ago. But because of dubious labelling, there is no official data

>on the trade.

>

>"It is the importer of the fur garment who chooses how the product is to be

>labelled," says Glover.

>

>"We have recordings of Chinese factory owners admitting to us during

>undercover investigations that they are happy to attach any label to

>garments to make them more marketable." The fur industry's new labelling

>initiatives have been seen by many as a step in the right direction.

>Regulations include guidelines that protect the environment and ensure

>sustainable wildlife programs and humane farming practices.

>

>"The labelling programme is part of a commitment to openness and

>transparency," says Andrea Martin of the British Fur Association.

>

>"As an industry, we deplore and work against the mistreatment of all

>animals."

>

>But it is the people who operate outside the official fur industry who are

>the worry, as investigations by PETA reveal.

>

>Footage shows dogs and cats in cramped factories or being rounded up on the

>street where they are sold for their skin. Many still have their collars on

>at the time of slaughter - a sign they were domesticated pets.

>

>Dogs can be seen cowering in dark cold unsanitary rooms surrounded by the

>bodies of dead skinned dogs suspended from hooks.

>

>Cats are strangled with nooses one by one in wooden cages. This summer the

>EU will decide whether to impose a blanket ban on the imports of all cat

>and dog pelts, which at least is a step in the right direction. But the

>Internet is set to be the next hurdle.

>

>The rise in web shopping means that hundreds of China-based companies can

>carry on passing off cat and dog fur under various guises to customers and

>fashion retailers online - no questions asked.

>

>So, next time you're tempted by a 'faux fur' trimmed parka, or a

>suprisingly cheap pair of fur-lined gloves, you might want to think twice

>about whether the mittens are kitten and the hood is hound. Chances are it

>is.