Antidote to computer withdrawal?

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Viruses and Neurons

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R