Wazzup?!

Hey, peeps, out there in the world somewhere . . .

I've been gone for some time now, mostly because I really felt confused over what I could safely write about. Allow me to explain, as briefly as I can. My husband works in television, and although there are dozens of stations around the country and my blog is so seldom read, the community is actually very small. It wouldn't take much for someone to put pieces together and determine his identity. So, when the biggest news in my life has to do with clandestine job interviews, a possible interstate move, secret freelance work for competing networks, there isn't much I can blog about. I could easily get him in trouble at work, sabotage his work relationships, and other consequences I haven't even considered. While I think the risk is small, my husband isn't comfortable with my big mouth and the internet, and when his job and our livelihood are at stake, I suppose I can understand that.

So, as life became more stressful, I became more and more withdrawn. With my family hundreds of miles away in San Antonio, there weren't people I could easily confide in. That's where my blog would fill in the gap, or the playgroups my son and I have joined, but since I couldn't blog and I felt like an alien among the moms in the playgroups here, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. No one could help. So I went to therapy. My medications were tinkered with. But to no avail. I've just been bummed and stressed. 'Nuff said.

The biggest news of all is that I will finally be getting out of this place, this tiny backwater of a town, this ultra-Conservative haven, this boring contradiction to the word "wonderland" I call Fort Worth-less. I really haven't liked it here. I do NOT like living in Fort Worth. True, you can live well here on less income. But when all there is to do here is eat mediocre food at mediocre restaurants, go to bars and listen to country & western music, and possibly attend a NASCAR event, I get BORED! Yes, BORED with all capital letters! I visited my family after my husband left, and slept happily (if awkwardly) on the floor of my mom's tiny apartment in San Antonio, ate great food, tried new things, and introduced my son to some of the fun places in the town where I grew up.

So, where are we moving? It seems strange to me in some ways, and not in others. Since he's in television, my husband got a job in Los Angeles! I'm excited to be leaving Fort Worth, but nervous about the impending culture-shock of moving to California. There are mostly stereotypes I'm worried about, which I know a person can't and shouldn't rely on. But the snobbiness, the self-importance of Angelenos, the flakiness, the smog, the congestion and traffic, the rudeness . . . Those are the things I am nervous about. I don't normally fit in among materialistic or conceited people. I hope it's only a stereotype and not a truth. We'll see, I suppose. So neither I nor those in my family are thrilled over Los Angeles as our future home, but it has seemed inevitable for some time now. In television, you end up in Los Angeles or New York eventually, if you want to reach higher points in your career. You can find exceptions to that rule, but not often.

It's strange, but visiting there a long time ago, in my early 20s, I didn't really like it much. I was only there for a short time. But driving was frightening, people were rude, and it seemed dirty. I didn't like it. But I remember saying to my sister that I thought I would end up coming back there someday. Who knows? Maybe I foresaw this part of my life. It's weird that I would have a premonition like that about I place I didn't even enjoy vacationing, but I did.

My hubby C is already there, been working for about a month now. Our house now has an offer on it and we're looking for apartments or houses we can rent reasonably for all three of us and our little dog. Hopefully we'll be together by the middle of April. In the meantime, I'm wearing a path in the asphalt between here and San Antonio, taking care of my son more like a single mom, and gaining weight on my newly discovered love of gelato, and hibernating in my home dry from all of the wet weather, putting minutes on my stupid pay-as-you-go phone . . . But hopefully it's all for a good cause, a better future for our family, better pay even with the higher cost of living, and opportunities galore. Maybe I'll finally get an iPhone! :)

Well, I'll have to post more later. I've typed a novel already. Should anyone know to read this, I'll write more about it later. Should be interesting to see how a Texan makes it in the urban jungle of Los Angeles. Culture shock. Yeah.

Take care, all, and I'll blog ya later!
R

Hello again . . .

Remember me? Probably not. It's been a long time. Looooooonnngggg time. I'm sure anyone who might have read my blog before has long since stopped reading this. Sorry. Really sorry. But at the same time, this thingie here just ceased to be a priority.

So what's been going on? Lots. I've met new people, been doing new things, been creating artwork again, trying to connect with my family, and going to therapy. There have been some stressful periods of late, mostly concerning possible career moves for my husband, but so far, none have panned out. Can't talk about it much on here, since he is uncomfortable with that. It's okay. No biggie.

I have successfully become a Weight Watchers lifetime member--that's good news! Very good news, in fact. It means I can attend meetings for free now, and that I've been maintaining my weight successfully now. I'm thinking it also means I should get a new tattoo, but they aren't normally FREE, so I will wait on that.

If you've noticed the annoying graphics here on this site, you'll also notice my work on Zazzle and Cafe Press. I hope anyone would appreciate the hours and hours and many sleepless nights put into these projects, lots of self-punishing pressure applied, and lots of stress . . . I've been working hard on these projects, and re-learning a lot about making artwork again. It's been like learning to walk again--the medications for depression and bipolar disorder really threw me for a loop when it came to creativity. I couldn't make art anymore. COULDN'T!! I didn't think it were possible, but put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me, and I truly had no clue what to do. I could start to draw ANYWAY, and end up with . . . Well, either NOTHING or some shaky pointless scribbles that no one would be interested in seeing. It was frustrating, scary, confusing . . . And much more. It was not a good time for me. But I've been practicing making art again, and getting better at using my computer software, and getting better at seeing things creatively again. It's taken me a few solid months of work to get where I am now, so I hope it is understood why I haven't been here too often.

Also, I've been in therapy. This was an outlet at one point, now I don't seem to need it as much. And it felt for a while like I was getting no where with this, like no one cared what I wrote, that I couldn't make a difference. I guess I still feel that way a little bit, but that's not the ONLY reason for keeping this blog, so I hope to return more regularly. I will still be working hard on my artwork and there are transitions going on throughout the family that may distract me, but I will try.

I want to write a bit about what I've been up to, some of the people I've met and such, but I really need to get to bed. We are getting a bit tougher on the potty training thing--my son is almost four and not interested in even TRYING to use the potty--so we are going to have to try to be a bit tougher. I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. I mean, I've never done this whole potty training thing before! But what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to switch tactics! Let's hope this works! I'd hate for him to go to his birthday celebration in diapers or training pants, but it's looking that way so far! I have just over a month to try.

Okay, time to try the sleep thing again. I've had so much on my mind, and my tummy isn't happy. It might be a kind of PMS, or my IBS acting up. Not sure. I just feel crampy. But, I digress.

'Night.
R

What's Wrong With Me?

I just can't seem to get anything done lately. I can't even get my s**t together enough to leave the house. I wouldn't say I'm procrastinating exactly, but something like it. I'm not consciously trying to get out of doing thing I need to do, but somehow they aren't getting done. Part of me is thinking of all the things I need to do, another part is trying to prioritize, and yet another is saying, "You don't need to do that right this minute!" So nothing gets done. Nothing. I didn't even take a shower until 4 o'clock this afternoon. And I didn't mop, didn't do any dishes, didn't do any laundry, didn't paint, didn't blog, didn't exercise . . . Didn't anything.

I think in some ways I feel preoccupied. All I can think about is that I have an undiagnosed health condition. If it isn't the cyst on my ovary causing the pain in my abdoment, what is it? What else is wrong with me? What symptoms have I overlooked? Are the symptoms I have related at all, or separate conditions? The hair loss I've been having was diagnosed as a symptom of stress, since my TSH was normal. But is it? Am I still stressed out enough after moving to a new city and getting my medications in order? Or is it now hair loss due to some other condition?

Sometimes it feels like my blood sugar has dropped suddenly and I feel weak and shaky, even dizzy. Yet, if I eat, the feeling is still there. I once had my blood pressure drop while I was getting a blood test done during pregnancy, and it feels sort of like that, but I don't have a way to verify that it's low blood pressure. I did feel faint Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Then it goes away. The pain in my abdomen, although subtle, is still there. It's obvious when I bend over sometimes, or after the exams I've had when someone was pressing all over my belly and pelvis. It doesn't get worse usually, just persists. So, is it something, or nothing? When is it okay to be concerned, and when do you just tell yourself you're being a hypochondriac and to relax.

I have to be concerned in some ways, mostly because it was my own persistence that got me a hypothyroidism diagnosis. I KNEW something had been wrong with me, but no doctors I saw would ever persue it. They would give me antibiotics or else tell me it's viral and there's nothing that can be done. I told one doctor that I felt like I had been sick an awfully long time and I was worried, and he just told me, "Yeah, sometimes it just hits you all at once." That's another reason it was so tough for me to leave my doctor in San Antonio, since he listened, had great intuition, and always followed through to a diagnosis. He was great. I hope my new doctor won't give up on me.

At the very least, test me until I'm sure there really isn't anything wrong.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit stressed. E has been cranky all afternoon, fussy, crying, and demanding. I guess I was due for it. He had been a real sweetiepie for days in a row this week. Just a picture perfect little boy. Gotta earn those mom wages, though.

Maybe relieving some stress will help with the weight loss I missed out on this week. I've been sticking to the plan and doing my best, but I still haven't been able to find time to exercise. Mostly I'm just imagining it will be like all the times past when E would intervene, literally tackle me to the floor, take my exercise equipment, cry until I was finished or turned of the DVD . . . It's hard to make myself ready to deal with that as well as the exercising itself. Whew . . . I'm stressed out just thinking about it.

Well, wrists and fingers getting tired. I should probably go. Maybe I'll have a warm beverage this evening and cozy up to my husband. Sounds nice.

Later, peeps. Come back again! :)
R