Hello again . . .

Remember me? Probably not. It's been a long time. Looooooonnngggg time. I'm sure anyone who might have read my blog before has long since stopped reading this. Sorry. Really sorry. But at the same time, this thingie here just ceased to be a priority.

So what's been going on? Lots. I've met new people, been doing new things, been creating artwork again, trying to connect with my family, and going to therapy. There have been some stressful periods of late, mostly concerning possible career moves for my husband, but so far, none have panned out. Can't talk about it much on here, since he is uncomfortable with that. It's okay. No biggie.

I have successfully become a Weight Watchers lifetime member--that's good news! Very good news, in fact. It means I can attend meetings for free now, and that I've been maintaining my weight successfully now. I'm thinking it also means I should get a new tattoo, but they aren't normally FREE, so I will wait on that.

If you've noticed the annoying graphics here on this site, you'll also notice my work on Zazzle and Cafe Press. I hope anyone would appreciate the hours and hours and many sleepless nights put into these projects, lots of self-punishing pressure applied, and lots of stress . . . I've been working hard on these projects, and re-learning a lot about making artwork again. It's been like learning to walk again--the medications for depression and bipolar disorder really threw me for a loop when it came to creativity. I couldn't make art anymore. COULDN'T!! I didn't think it were possible, but put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me, and I truly had no clue what to do. I could start to draw ANYWAY, and end up with . . . Well, either NOTHING or some shaky pointless scribbles that no one would be interested in seeing. It was frustrating, scary, confusing . . . And much more. It was not a good time for me. But I've been practicing making art again, and getting better at using my computer software, and getting better at seeing things creatively again. It's taken me a few solid months of work to get where I am now, so I hope it is understood why I haven't been here too often.

Also, I've been in therapy. This was an outlet at one point, now I don't seem to need it as much. And it felt for a while like I was getting no where with this, like no one cared what I wrote, that I couldn't make a difference. I guess I still feel that way a little bit, but that's not the ONLY reason for keeping this blog, so I hope to return more regularly. I will still be working hard on my artwork and there are transitions going on throughout the family that may distract me, but I will try.

I want to write a bit about what I've been up to, some of the people I've met and such, but I really need to get to bed. We are getting a bit tougher on the potty training thing--my son is almost four and not interested in even TRYING to use the potty--so we are going to have to try to be a bit tougher. I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. I mean, I've never done this whole potty training thing before! But what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to switch tactics! Let's hope this works! I'd hate for him to go to his birthday celebration in diapers or training pants, but it's looking that way so far! I have just over a month to try.

Okay, time to try the sleep thing again. I've had so much on my mind, and my tummy isn't happy. It might be a kind of PMS, or my IBS acting up. Not sure. I just feel crampy. But, I digress.

'Night.
R

Just a quick . . .

. . . hello, and a note to say I'm back from my trip.

I went to San Antonio over the weekend to visit family and friends. I had a great time, ate some great food, and now I'm back home again. I will probably write more on that soon, just not right now. I'm getting ready to eat dinner.

But I have some good news. In spite of a car trip and some fabulous Tex-Mex, I still lost 0.8 pounds! The last time I went out of town in a car, I gained 1 pound on my return. So it was a triumphant feeling to hear that I had lost weight this time.

And--more good news! From the land of Starbucks, I hear that the many varieties of creme Frappuccino drinks now have a LIGHT version! Woohoo! I can fit those green tea Frappuccinos back into my diet again! And, as if it could get any better than that, they now have a SUGAR-FREE caramel syrup, too! Now those Caramel Macchiatos and iced Caramel Macchiatos I used to love can be absolutely sugar-free! I'm a happy gal.

More stuff to follow. My dinner is ready. Look for the goodies at your local Starbucks. If they aren't there yet, they will hopefully be in your neighborhood soon.

Blog ya later,
R

Good News.

I've lost a full 25 pounds since I started Weight Watchers! Yep, all that hard work is actually paying off. Let me say that I thought I would be lucky to lose 10 pounds in 6 months, so I didn't think to hope I would lose 25 pounds in less than 4 months. The last 9 pounds will go more slowly, I believe, but at least I know I can do it if I work at it. I feel more "in control" than ever.

And as I was playing a toddler version of hopscotch on our small back patio, I noticed that my husband's eyes were on me and not my son. I asked him why he was watching me, and he said, "I can't help it if I have a hot wife."

:)

Wow, a "hot wife"! Me? Pretty cool. And very nice of my husband to say so. He might be a bit biased, but it is very very nice to hear.

Lots of boosts to my self-esteem lately. :)

And, I really hate to have so many product endorsements (such as Weight Watchers) but when I find something I like, I tell everyone about it. And I think WW is worth the money and time and effort. You can tell that I am passionate about it. And I want to mention another product that I am thrilled with lately. It is Olay Regenerist Thermal Skin Polisher. It is awesome! My adult acne is clearing, scars are fading, dry skin disappearing, and wrinkles smoothing . . . I love it. I keep getting comments on how good my skin looks, and let me say I have NEVER gotten compliments on my skin! I have had acne since I was in 3rd grade, and I am not exaggerating on that. I've had bad skin my whole life. And now I get compliments. Mostly from people who know what my skin looked like before, but I know how bad it was. I've tried truckloads of products and lost enthusiasm over all of them, but this one is worth the money. I think it says 10 straight days is equivalent to a mini-peel, and I think that's true. I think that my skin is a lot better than it was, and I've only been using this for a month. Go out and buy it! :)

Guess that's enough pointless blogging for a night. I'll be back soon with more!

Blog ya later,
R

Why can't I be positive?

Not positive as in "you're pregnancy test is positive," but positive in that I am a very negative person. I try not to be, try to look for the good in life and in myself, but it's hard.

I realized today that I have been teaching myself to dislike who I am for years and years, and it's hard to un-learn something that powerful. How many times I tried to hide in plain sight from the kids in school who tormented me as they kicked me, surrounded me and grabbed my privates, as they drew on my clothes, spat on me, threw large wads of paper at my head, slammed me into walls as they passed, stole things from me, laughed at my voice, my walk, my parents income, my clothes . . . Everything. I thought if I could make myself as invisible as possible, they wouldn't notice me enough to tease me. I hated public speaking, and I still have yet to be comfortable with it. I hate brightly-colored clothing--it singles me out. And being fat only made me feel worse, but I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I had medical conditions and medications that made weight loss difficult, and I think I told myself that with those barriers, I just couldn't lose weight, so I might as well give up. Or not try. Eh, the lies I told myself to feel better about eating and get over the guilt. But I'm only a few pounds from my goal weight now, and I have to start believing that I'm not a fat person. I think I still am, in my mind. Changing those things about myself that I have believed for so long may be the toughest things I've had to face, even tougher than therapy for depression had been.

I think I thought that therapy did all the work for you. Once I got over the stigma of seeing a therapist--the dreaded therapist of flaky Hollywood stars and weird tin-foil wearing hoarders of cats--I could focus on the recovery. It was all me, much to my dismay. I had to do the work, I had to change, I had to keep on track. Why I thought the therapist would do all the work is beyond me now, but that's what I thought at the time. It was hard to get through, but it's the labor of change that heals. Without it, you don't become stronger, and you don't learn how to keep yourself strong in the future.

I'm sold on Weight Watchers and on therapy. I highly recommend them both, by the way. Anything that can help and expedite a recovery or benefit, I am all for it. Why wait? Why suffer? Why wait for your situation to change, when it may not? Just find a way to heal and stick with it. I wasted too much of my life as it is, hoping I wouldn't have to go to Weight Watchers or to therapy, but the whole time I did, I was still unhealthy. I might have been able to do it on my own, but it would have taken much longer. And the help is there, and I learned a lot more in a short time than I could have learned over years and years of struggling on my own. And I still did it myself--all the work was mine--I earned it. But I had coursework to back it up. Don't underestimate it, or yourself. Therapy rocks. And so does Weight Watchers. And the things I have learned apply to when I'm not on a program or in therapy, so I can continue the benefit. You can't top that, in my opinion.

Anyone else see the Spurs win? Was that not cool? I am so happy for them, my hometown team. Underdogs, still, after all of these years, but a great team with lots of great players. Someone can always pick up the slack. Still, I'm sorry for Avery Johnson and the Mavericks. I was hoping they would do better. The next game is tonight, but it might be the last. I think they may have been over-confident after such a great season, and they weren't prepared for the ferocity of the playoffs. It's a real shame, since I know they are a great team. And Avery is such a nice guy, San Antonio still has a soft spot in their hearts for him. Good luck to them tonight, but good luck to the Spurs, too, next series.

Well, enough rambling. I will probably post some more lists, soon. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid the "100 Things About Me" list I was working on, since I don't know if I can find 100 things. Oh, well. So I'll spread it out! And I can talk about my pets, too, something 100 things about me wouldn't cover. So, read on, if you're interested. :)

Thanks for visiting, and till next time, blog ya later.

R

Viruses and Neurons

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

Success!

I almost don't believe it, but I reached a milestone today. Finally, after working so hard at it over the years, I lost 10 percent of my body weight! That means, in Weight Watchers terms, I got my key chain! :) WooHoo! I didn't think I'd be able to lose weight, first of all, but to reach this goal so soon into the program is an even bigger shock for me. I am thrilled, just thrilled. And I got it in front of my supportive group with my sweet group leader--it was nice.

E had a checkup today at the doctor, and then we did some brief shopping. An otherwise uneventful day. I do have to share a toddler-ism I just heard today: Trying to say, "Easter Egg Hunt," my son told me he wanted to share in an, "Easter cunt." Hmm. Not sure they have that. Made me blush, if you can imagine!

Night-night. I really need to rest up for tomorrow. Groceries, a boy's hair cut, and an immunization shot are to follow. Take care, and de-lurk, if possible. I'm getting lonely! :)

R

Confession

I guess I need to confess (hey, that rhymes!) that on Tuesday I actually gained a pound after my vacation. I have been telling myself it's because of bloating and because I ate extra even on days when I was in the car a lot. I didn't stray from the plan at all, but I guess I should have made modifications for being in the car. I probably didn't drink enough water, either. Not good. Not good at all.

So I'm back on track this week and hoping for better news on Tuesday. I really think it's nothing to worry about, but I didn't really want to publicize my disappointment. But I guess someone else might benefit from hearing about it, especially someone else trying to lose weight. All I can really do is what I've been doing, and then see if I need to make changes when I see my weight results next week. So far, the plan has been working, so I have only vacation and car time to blame. I really think it's the most plausible explanation. I mean, I really stuck to the plan, even when I REALLY didn't want to, like when I smelled fried catfish and wanted it, saw delicious chicken-fried steak and wanted it, when I craved Doritos and passed them up . . . Countless times. I didn't even get my customary car-trip scone at Starbucks! That's dedication! Really!

So I'm going to be smarter this week, drink lots of water, and as my former doctor in San Antonio put it, "Pee like a horse!" It's funnier when he says it, since he has a strong accent and an intimidating voice. You don't expect him to say stuff like that! Anyway, that's my strategy for the week.

I've been tired after a massive grocery trip yesterday that took several trips to the trunk to unload, and two loads of laundry to fold and put away. My muscles are hella sore. So now I need a resting day. Vacuuming tomorrow, maybe. I need to visit my Millie (mother-in-law) tomorrow since she's having back surgery on Wednesday and could use some friendly distractions. But otherwise we have no plans this weekend. Sounds nice.

Later, folks. Talk to you soon.
R

Good News!

I'm finally feeling better after feeling sick for so long, and I got back from my weekly Weight Watchers meeting with good news! I have now lost just over 11 pounds! WooHoo! I'm working my way toward earning that keychain! :)

This past weekend, my son, hubby and I went to the Greater Tarrant County Auto Show, especially because my son loves cars so much. It was fun, and we got to see a lot of the new models coming up in the new year, sit in some nice cars, and hang out with the in-laws. E got to sit in a real police car, too! I don't think he wanted to get out of it!


















I still have some really exciting vacuuming to do tomorrow, as well as some bathtub cleaning. Tune in tomorrow for all of the riveting details! :)

Laters,
R

Quick Update

Just a quick hello since I've been feeling pretty sick the past couple of days. Sore throat, drippy nose, fatigue, the usual . . .

I had to make a stop at Weight Watchers anyway, just for my weekly weigh-in (I didn't feel well enough to stay for the meeting). I was surprised to learn that I had lost 2.4 pounds! I'm really amazed. It's been about 9.2 pounds of weight loss so far. I'm truly shocked. It's been a long time since I found anything that worked for me. And I ate pizza rolls, chocolate, and cookies during the week. Amazing!

Guess that's it. I'm way too goofy to write much longer, and I have a terrible headache. I was rooting for one of the poodles to win Westminster tonight, but no such luck. Maybe next time.

Later,
R

TGIS

I tell ya, yesterday I had a terrifying moment where I thought it was Thursday. ACK! C didn't help at all, he told me today would be Friday and let me sulk for a while before he admitted it would be Saturday. I was too tired yesterday to even know what day it was. I had done tons of laundry, washed and folded, picked up toys, made the beds, washed dishes, etc. I was exhausted. The only thing that got me through it all was thinking, "Tomorrow is Saturday, tomorrow is Saturday." When I thought it wasn't, I got really bummed. But obviously today is Saturday after all.

We didn't do much, but we did go to Chick-Fil-A for lunch, where I met a mom of a 3-year-old who was also new to the area. She gave me lots of ideas for places to go with E, even her phone number so we could get together. One of the best ideas, I thought, that she told me about was a preschool craft class at Michael's that's only 2 bucks, including supplies. That's right up my alley, I tell ya. And I'd love to get E interested in art. It's something that he and I could enjoy together. Sounds like fun.

Then we went grocery shopping, came home, and I crashed for a long nap. My dog slept by my side, something that always makes me feel extra cozy, and also makes it extra hard to get up. C finally woke me, and said it was getting late. Then we put some more knobs on our cabinets and ate dinner. Well, sort of. I just ate a bagel with strawberry cream cheese, a Weight Watchers ice cream bar, and a small WW chocolate cake. I guess I just felt like having sweets or something. So that's what I ate. Stuck to my points nonetheless.

Well, as far as events, this weekend was slow. But I've still been feeling like I want something, but I don't know what it is. I also feel like something is wrong that hasn't been diagnosed. Two feelings that have been leaving me feeling distracted and preoccupied. Perhaps I'll go to my doctor before my next appointment, just for some peace of mind. I don't know if I can take it much longer, knowing there is a diagnosis to be made . . . I guess. I guess something is wrong. I don't know. But I feel like I know for sure that there is something. Doctors always make me feel like a hypochondriac or a worrier, which drives me nuts. I've been right before, when they've all been wrong. I guess I'm not looking forward to the possibility of an all-out battle over my health care. I've been there, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. I formed a lot of my opinions about doctors and the medical community during that ordeal. I'm sure a lot of people out there know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, guess I'll go take my meds and do some reading or something. Try to relax. Take care, all, and I'll be back soon for more mindless babbling.

Laters,
R

Good Meeting

If you know anything about bipolar disorder or depression, you might know that the medications needed to balance out brain chemistry in this way also cause weight gain. So, I also have difficulty losing weight, even if I do everything right.

This was the case last night at my Weight Watchers meeting. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose. I know I did everything right, increased my activity, ate right, counted my points . . . But there was no change in my weight. It's very frustrating, and it's a place I've been far too many times in the past. I know that probably the only thing I did wrong was to expect something. In spite of that dissappointing news, I had a good meeting. The group leader talked to a few people who had experience weight gains while following the program conscientiously, as well as some people who had faced weight loss plateaus before. A few people had gone through what I went through, very similarly, although I'm not sure they faced plateaus at only week 3. But there were other people with thyroid problems and a lady who just found out she had diabetes. They all said going to the meetings will help, and I'm hoping that will be the case for me. It's the one thing I haven't tried, having help with my weight loss. I've always gone alone, done the diet thing by myself, and always given up. It's hard to stay motivated when you see no results. I'm still worried about it, but as one of the women put it last night, "If you give up, you know nothing good will happen." So, I'm sticking with it.

I've been feeling light-headed and dizzy lately, too. I'm not sure what's going on there. I don't trust myself driving. I hope it's nothing serious. Since the doctor thought my ovarian cyst was not the cause of my abdominal pain, I'm not sure what the problem really is, and that makes me nervous. I may be scheduling an earlier appointment to see my general practitioner than I had originally planned. Such is my life now, doctor to doctor to doctor trying to keep everything in balance and order. It's hard knowing that without modern medicine, I doubt that I would even be ALIVE. I feel weak sometimes, although I know it's through no fault of my own that my body has these malfunctions.

Anyway, that's enough self-pity for one day. Time to play with my son and have a belated breakfast. My thyroid hormones prohibit me from having breakfast at a normal time some days, especially if I take them later than planned. So if I want dairy, I have to wait 2 or 3 hours after taking the pills to eat.

Guess I'll write more later, as soon as I get a chance. I mean to post some pictures on here, too, but I just haven't decided what to do here yet. It's like a second chance to get this blog the way I want it to be, so I want to take advantage of it.

Take care, folks, and I'll blog ya later.

R

Salad Tongs

Today was my appointment to see my new gynecologist. It's never really fun. It's like having salad tongs shoved up your hoo-hoo.

This guy was really friendly and talkative, and he was telling me stories about his kids, gesticulating as he examined my nethers . . . It was kinda weird. He seemed nice, funny, compassionate.

Is it odd that he gave a new patient a hug at the end of the appointment?

Seems odd to me. I'm often mistaken for being younger than I am, mostly because I'm short. You'd be surprised how people treat you when you're short. My sis, CJ, once had someone pat her on the head until she told him she was 27. But the doc saw my chart and must have known I was 35. Maybe it's the short thing. Maybe I'm just making a mountain . . .

Anyway, then I made the trek over to Wal-Mart for groceries and to buy Mister E a new toy (I promised him some shopping money, and he was well-behaved through my doc appointment). Anyone from San Antonio knows how much I miss my HEB stores, but Wal-Mart is probably the best option here in Fort Worth. It was crowded and hectic, especially as it got later in the afternoon and people got off work, and we were still there trying to finish our shopping. I can't even tell you how hard it was just to buy breakfast cereal. And the produce? Forget about it!

But E found a toy and we got our shopping done--my feet are aching! And I found out that I can have Pizza Rolls on Weight Watchers (10 points for a dozen!) so I had those for dinner. I've lost 6 pounds so far, and my weigh-in is tomorrow evening. I've really been trying hard to follow the plan, and it's by far the easiest I've encountered in my life thus far, and I faced some challenges this past week. For one thing, I had to face pizza Sunday afternoon, and I didn't want to use any Flex Points and I didn't want to blow my diet. I had already eaten. Then yummy smelling pizza was thrust in my face! How cruel to do that to someone, especially when they know I'm dieting! But I resisted. I really did. I waited until I got home to eat dinner. It was really hard, but I did it. I'm proud of myself.

It's only Monday.

Laters,
R