Those. BASTARDS.

Which bastards, you might ask? The ones at Fox, the ones involved in any way with the show "24". Those are the bastards. They're bastards for making me believe that the new season of 24 had begun, that new episodes were a week away, following the "premiere" of the 24 "movie". But no, I was a fool, mislead--nay, deluded--to believe my regular Jack fix was coming. Not so. New episodes in one week? Two? Three? Okay, maybe December? NO! I have to wait until the middle of friggin' January!

AAAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

But I guess lots of people have been waiting. Now we continue to wait. Ah. If only there was something to keep me occupied in the meantime. Well, there are new episodes of "Storm Chasers" on Discovery channel for a while. That's pretty cool. And new episodes of "Mythbusters." What else? There isn't much TV that we watch while it airs. Most of it we rent on DVD later, like "Deadwood", "Big Love", even "The Office" and "Prison Break." It's just easier to watch TV on our own time. And then we don't have to worry about missing episodes or filling up the DVR.

>>>>>>>>>>>


On another note, E's birthday party went off well, even though I stressed over it like you wouldn't believe. I guess I felt extra pressure since his last birthday ended early when the pizza place was evacuated when the place filled with smoke and the fire department arrived. Not the birthday we planned.

This one was horribly last minute. Really. I went shopping for party supplies about 8:30 pm the night before the party, getting home after 11:00. And I was literally finishing the cake as guests were arriving! E had a sore throat the day before, so we weren't sure if we should cancel. But that would be disappointing, too. So we went full steam ahead and had a party. He had missed some earlier parties, too, so he really wanted to have his. About 7 or 8 kids showed up, and my friend G and her husband. It was fun, even though it didn't go as planned. The games and bowling we planned went by the wayside as kids swarmed my son's bedroom and played with my husband. Parents started by watching their kids carefully, but then settled on the sofa for conversation. It ended up being more of a playdate with cake, but it was low-stress for everyone. And E had a good time. And a lot of the kids left quite reluctantly, so I guess they had fun, too. And parents got some time off, thanks to my husband. He probably expected to be relieved by me at one point, but I wasn't walking into that tornado. He was great, though, and the kids liked playing with him. He's really good with kids, in spite of having no real father for a role model. I love him so much.

Stuff is still going wrong. One new thing after another. Our ceiling is now dripping water from something upstairs in the master bath, we still haven't rented our place, and we really don't want to have to move to a smaller apartment. It just makes it harder. We have a new place ready to go, still nice, but smaller. Not quite as nice as this place, but new and close to E's school. No more rooftop patio and views of the mountains. I'll miss that. Small kitchen. Only 2 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. Still, we need to save the money, and we really need to find new tenants for this place we can no longer afford. Hubby C might have renegged his pay, so hopefully there won't be such a strain to afford health insurance. We'll see what they say.

I hate stressing over money, especially at the holidays. It's really depressing. But we're going to do our best to make it fun for E anyway, even though he misses Texas a lot. He probably misses the financial security we had there. And we owned a home. I hated being in the middle of nowhere with nothing but scrubby dead-looking grass around. No trees. Just sick cattle and tornadoes. Bleh. I speak of north Texas, of course, and not south and central Texas, which I love.


OK, I guess I'll head off to get some work done. As soon as I get some new batteries for my camera I can post birthday pics of E! You know how I love my boy!

Cheers,
R

Long time, no see . . .

OK, I admit it. I'm a bad blogger. Bad bad bad. But life has been particularly consuming lately, especially in the past month or so. Yeah, I've been suffering through the depression thing, but what's new, really? That part never changes, probably never will. It's okay, I guess, I'll just keep working on it, it's all I can do. But what's particularly different is everything else.

I mentioned the move from Texas to the Los Angeles area, mentioned that I was still feeling blah in spite of new treatment options. The medications are still being tinkered with. Overall, I think I like living here, although there are things I hate. I think living in Burbank has helped that a bit, since people here seem more family-friendly and less shallow. I prefer that, honestly. Some people might even say it's more BORING in Burbank, but I don't care. I'm not a "night life" person anyway. I just shop, go out to eat, take my son to the park, that kind of thing.

The worst happenings lately have been that E got ill, seriously ill. He had the incredulous diagnosis of "scarlet fever"! I kid you not. I was shocked, even doubtful. But after reading about it, it makes sense. His fever just wouldn't go away, and he did have the redness I've read about. He got better, but it took 2 weeks for him to return to school. The sore throat was the part that lasted longest. Then the DAY he gets the diagnosis, my husband comes home with bad news.

C: I had an interesting day, too.
BH: Oh, really? What happened?
(no pause)
C: I got laid off today.
BH: That's not funny. You'd better be kidding.
C: I wish I was kidding.

So the drama continued. Now we can't afford our apartment, time to move to a smaller, cheaper place. Cutting back on expenses. Still trying to figure out how to pay for health insurance. No more plans to visit family in Texas for the holidays.

I am more angry than anything, that C's boss would relocate us out here, then give him almost no notice (4 days?) to find a new job. I mean, we thought we did the right thing. C turned down a job with much higher pay to take a "permanent" staff position with benefits. We thought we were doing the right thing, as a family with a young child, by picking the job that seemed the most stable. How could we have been so wrong? I mean, DID we do something wrong? Blame it on the economy, but we still wanted to keep ourselves out of this situation as much as possible. We tried to be smart. We tried . . .

Eh, I'm tired of thinking about it. Now I have to plan my son's birthday party, which will be nothing like the (still small-scale, but) bigger party we promised him. And we're frantically trying to find tenants to take over our lease so we can move, much as we don't want to. C's looking for work, I'm hoping to find a job, somehow. It won't be fun working on weekends, not seeing my husband. My parents got divorced that way. Don't know what else to do, though. We just have to survive now.

If you haven't just been brought down big time by this post, save yourself and find another blog quickly, one with lots of pretty pictures and maybe some baby bunnies. Hopefully we'll be doing okay, the new place won't smell like dead raccoons or have remnants of police-line tape stuck to the door. Good luck to all of us.

R

Recounting . . .

As in "telling a tale of past events," and not "counting again".

So, what might I want to recount to you? Lots, in fact, but I'll stick to one event tonight. I'll tell you a bit about a site I've discovered that has helped me to make friends in this city, especially friends with similar interests.

If you've never heard of it, and I hadn't heard of it before but stumbled upon it by accident, it's called Meetup. You can find it at www.meetup.com and look up dozens and even hundreds or thousands of groups of ordinary people meeting in your local area every week. Just about any interest you can think of is covered, and if there isn't a group yet, you can sign up to hear about one when it starts, or start one for yourself. It's free to sign up, but some groups have dues or event fees and starting a "meetup" yourself has monthly cost just for the use of the site. The site has tons of tools to help you find what you're looking for, including safety precautions to take if you feel the need, as in setting up a play group or anything with children or teens. You can remain anonymous until you choose to have your information revealed to someone, or just connect with people in your groups through the site. It's easy to join and find lots of fun and interesting events going on all the time.

I found some mom's groups around here, but there are other groups that appeal to me. A bipolar group, some depression meetups (those are unfortunately meeting too far away from me), book clubs, political groups, religious and atheist meetups, meetups for dogs, meetups for coffee, for food, for hiking, poker, dating, networking, drawing and crafting, languages, and lots lots lots more. Those are just the ones that come immediately to mind.

The moms groups have been nice. I like most of the moms, even though I don't have as much in common with them as I'd like. The best group I came across is the one I was most skeptical about, and I will have to tell you about it.

But, I will save that for next time! Hah! A little bit of tension-building! Did it work? Or you just don't care. Oh, well. I tried. But, really, you should come back and read about it. It's definitely not what you're thinking. I doubt it anyway. So come back and read about it. It was definitely interesting!

Take care!
R

Probably not blogging . . .

Anyone out there wondering where I've been, I apologize for my long absence. I have been depressed again, this time not so mildly. It's one of those things where I dwell on everything, especially how disappointed I am in humanity at the moment. I don't know any other way to put it. I hate people right now. They disappoint me, disgust me, bore me . . .

Terrorists suck--seems like a no-brainer that terrorism is bad, but if the terrorists don't think they are terrorists, where does that leave us? And then, for that matter, their justifications for terrorism are "self-defense" and things like that. Yeah, maybe so, but what else have you tried on such a global scale to get your message across? Because bombing and killing people just doesn't make sense to the people you're trying to change. We see you as raving lunatics who can't be reasoned with, so more people end up dying on both sides! It's a lose-lose situation. It depresses me.

Then there's China. Oh, China, China, China . . . How disappointed I am with you at the moment. First, it's slaughtering puppies and kittens for fur coats sold as faux fur, then the pet food poisoning, the toothpaste recall . . . I could go on. Recently, defective tires can put people's lives at risk. Do the right thing here! Can we trust imports from this country anymore? If food is being poisoned and consumers are being defrauded, doesn't that mean we shouldn't be buying your products? And why are there so many people out there trying to make money above all else, without thinking of the human cost? Why? And why doesn't anyone else think it's so horrible to be slaughtering puppies, people's pets, and then lying about it? Why isn't there more of an uproar over this? I don't understand it.

Politics has been depressing me, the weather here, feeling bored and unfulfilled . . . I'm getting ready to see a professional, believe me. Don't go there in the comments. I'm already taking care of it. But I'm just so mad I can hardly sleep. And I miss having friends around and having things to do. I am seriously bummed.

So what have I been up to? Not much. Lost more weight, opened a couple of Cafe Press stores, worked on some artwork, planted some tomato and strawberry seeds. That's about it. And I've been sulking and feeling sorry for myself. That's not very interesting, either! Guess I need to find a new hobby!

Well, I'll post the links to my stores shortly, just don't want to tack them on the end of a depressing rant. Hope you understand.

Take care,
R

Why can't I be positive?

Not positive as in "you're pregnancy test is positive," but positive in that I am a very negative person. I try not to be, try to look for the good in life and in myself, but it's hard.

I realized today that I have been teaching myself to dislike who I am for years and years, and it's hard to un-learn something that powerful. How many times I tried to hide in plain sight from the kids in school who tormented me as they kicked me, surrounded me and grabbed my privates, as they drew on my clothes, spat on me, threw large wads of paper at my head, slammed me into walls as they passed, stole things from me, laughed at my voice, my walk, my parents income, my clothes . . . Everything. I thought if I could make myself as invisible as possible, they wouldn't notice me enough to tease me. I hated public speaking, and I still have yet to be comfortable with it. I hate brightly-colored clothing--it singles me out. And being fat only made me feel worse, but I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I had medical conditions and medications that made weight loss difficult, and I think I told myself that with those barriers, I just couldn't lose weight, so I might as well give up. Or not try. Eh, the lies I told myself to feel better about eating and get over the guilt. But I'm only a few pounds from my goal weight now, and I have to start believing that I'm not a fat person. I think I still am, in my mind. Changing those things about myself that I have believed for so long may be the toughest things I've had to face, even tougher than therapy for depression had been.

I think I thought that therapy did all the work for you. Once I got over the stigma of seeing a therapist--the dreaded therapist of flaky Hollywood stars and weird tin-foil wearing hoarders of cats--I could focus on the recovery. It was all me, much to my dismay. I had to do the work, I had to change, I had to keep on track. Why I thought the therapist would do all the work is beyond me now, but that's what I thought at the time. It was hard to get through, but it's the labor of change that heals. Without it, you don't become stronger, and you don't learn how to keep yourself strong in the future.

I'm sold on Weight Watchers and on therapy. I highly recommend them both, by the way. Anything that can help and expedite a recovery or benefit, I am all for it. Why wait? Why suffer? Why wait for your situation to change, when it may not? Just find a way to heal and stick with it. I wasted too much of my life as it is, hoping I wouldn't have to go to Weight Watchers or to therapy, but the whole time I did, I was still unhealthy. I might have been able to do it on my own, but it would have taken much longer. And the help is there, and I learned a lot more in a short time than I could have learned over years and years of struggling on my own. And I still did it myself--all the work was mine--I earned it. But I had coursework to back it up. Don't underestimate it, or yourself. Therapy rocks. And so does Weight Watchers. And the things I have learned apply to when I'm not on a program or in therapy, so I can continue the benefit. You can't top that, in my opinion.

Anyone else see the Spurs win? Was that not cool? I am so happy for them, my hometown team. Underdogs, still, after all of these years, but a great team with lots of great players. Someone can always pick up the slack. Still, I'm sorry for Avery Johnson and the Mavericks. I was hoping they would do better. The next game is tonight, but it might be the last. I think they may have been over-confident after such a great season, and they weren't prepared for the ferocity of the playoffs. It's a real shame, since I know they are a great team. And Avery is such a nice guy, San Antonio still has a soft spot in their hearts for him. Good luck to them tonight, but good luck to the Spurs, too, next series.

Well, enough rambling. I will probably post some more lists, soon. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid the "100 Things About Me" list I was working on, since I don't know if I can find 100 things. Oh, well. So I'll spread it out! And I can talk about my pets, too, something 100 things about me wouldn't cover. So, read on, if you're interested. :)

Thanks for visiting, and till next time, blog ya later.

R

Viruses and Neurons

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

Bad Blogger!

Bad, bad, bad, bad blogger! I just have not been updating this blog I have not been telling everyone about the terrible sore throat my hubby has been suffering from. I have not been telling everyone about the time E laughed at me when I stuck out my tongue at him, then gasped, pink-cheeked and dimpled, giving me a breathy, "Again!" He laughed so hard he could barely breathe, then told me, "You're cracking me up!" It's the first time I've ever heard him use that expression! Very funny!

I failed to mention the birthday my mom had on Sunday, then my sister today. Then I avoided blogging about the weight loss I've achieved at my meetings, even though I'm very proud of myself. I've failed to mention how little sleep I've gotten over the pet food scare, worried my dog will get sick, even though he doesn't eat canned food, but only dry. I haven't mentioned how I can still cry over my Missy rabbit, how much I still dream about my Qui-Qui dog, how I see them in my dreams if I can only sleep. I still worry about the dogs and cats in China, although I've been writing about that. I wish I could stop the pain those animals feel, if only I could stop one more animal from being tortured, I could finally sleep.

But I'm worried about the pain in my side. It's been getting worse. I have to wait until tomorrow to get it checked out by a doctor, and I don't know if they will even do any tests at all, or if I'll have to wait, or if they will just don't-worry-you're-pretty-little-head me and send me on my way. Will I get a good doctor? Will he know what to do? Will he have a clue? Will it be anything serious? How soon can I be treated? Can it be treated? I'm just worried about so many things, I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I really wish I could have my family here right now. I miss them. I would like to have people around me who will at least sound concerned about it . . . I think I'm trying to avoid worrying Millie, and C has had his own health concerns, so I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it except on the phone with CJ. I get tired of talking on the phone, though. I just want to be able to talk. Just sit and talk.

And I worry about money. So many unexpected bills creep up, and having medical expenses doesn't help. The ultrasound I just got will be another $120 or so, then there are whatever tests the specialist decides to do. And then we're running short on groceries again, and we have very little money until the next pay period, about a week-and-a-half from now. And wouldn't it be nice just to be able to afford a pair of pants that fit, to celebrate my weight loss with new clothes . . . Or to go out for coffee. . . Or buy E those new shoes he's been needing . . . Or buy a few things for the house, or a new toaster, or a million other things.

I've been feeling pretty down. Pretty depressed. I think we're doing pretty well financially, especially compared with how we were doing in San Antonio. But there are always times when it seems like there is never enough money. I guess that will always be the case, but it's frustrating. I feel like I don't contribute enough, even though I do my best, with all my faults, to keep the house running smoothly and to take care of my son. I wish I could do more, like help with earning the money. And I wish I could find the time or organization or something to be able to enjoy my hobbies (like painting or jewelry-making). I want to travel and to learn new things . . .

I think I might be going through another phase where I just feel vaguely unfulfilled. No real reason, I guess. Not really ennui, or dissatisfaction, or anything I can put my finger on. It's nothing that anyone can help me with, either. I have to figure out something, or answer a question, or something I haven't discerned . . . I don't know what it is. But it makes me feel lonely.

Anyway, since this blog has become so extremely depressing, I do apologize. Anyone who's still reading, I appreciate it. I am thankful that anyone out there might actually care what I'm thinking or going through . . . Leave a comment so I know you're there, if you will. Thanks.

R