Long time, no see . . .

OK, I admit it. I'm a bad blogger. Bad bad bad. But life has been particularly consuming lately, especially in the past month or so. Yeah, I've been suffering through the depression thing, but what's new, really? That part never changes, probably never will. It's okay, I guess, I'll just keep working on it, it's all I can do. But what's particularly different is everything else.

I mentioned the move from Texas to the Los Angeles area, mentioned that I was still feeling blah in spite of new treatment options. The medications are still being tinkered with. Overall, I think I like living here, although there are things I hate. I think living in Burbank has helped that a bit, since people here seem more family-friendly and less shallow. I prefer that, honestly. Some people might even say it's more BORING in Burbank, but I don't care. I'm not a "night life" person anyway. I just shop, go out to eat, take my son to the park, that kind of thing.

The worst happenings lately have been that E got ill, seriously ill. He had the incredulous diagnosis of "scarlet fever"! I kid you not. I was shocked, even doubtful. But after reading about it, it makes sense. His fever just wouldn't go away, and he did have the redness I've read about. He got better, but it took 2 weeks for him to return to school. The sore throat was the part that lasted longest. Then the DAY he gets the diagnosis, my husband comes home with bad news.

C: I had an interesting day, too.
BH: Oh, really? What happened?
(no pause)
C: I got laid off today.
BH: That's not funny. You'd better be kidding.
C: I wish I was kidding.

So the drama continued. Now we can't afford our apartment, time to move to a smaller, cheaper place. Cutting back on expenses. Still trying to figure out how to pay for health insurance. No more plans to visit family in Texas for the holidays.

I am more angry than anything, that C's boss would relocate us out here, then give him almost no notice (4 days?) to find a new job. I mean, we thought we did the right thing. C turned down a job with much higher pay to take a "permanent" staff position with benefits. We thought we were doing the right thing, as a family with a young child, by picking the job that seemed the most stable. How could we have been so wrong? I mean, DID we do something wrong? Blame it on the economy, but we still wanted to keep ourselves out of this situation as much as possible. We tried to be smart. We tried . . .

Eh, I'm tired of thinking about it. Now I have to plan my son's birthday party, which will be nothing like the (still small-scale, but) bigger party we promised him. And we're frantically trying to find tenants to take over our lease so we can move, much as we don't want to. C's looking for work, I'm hoping to find a job, somehow. It won't be fun working on weekends, not seeing my husband. My parents got divorced that way. Don't know what else to do, though. We just have to survive now.

If you haven't just been brought down big time by this post, save yourself and find another blog quickly, one with lots of pretty pictures and maybe some baby bunnies. Hopefully we'll be doing okay, the new place won't smell like dead raccoons or have remnants of police-line tape stuck to the door. Good luck to all of us.

R

Bad Blogger!

Bad, bad, bad, bad blogger! I just have not been updating this blog I have not been telling everyone about the terrible sore throat my hubby has been suffering from. I have not been telling everyone about the time E laughed at me when I stuck out my tongue at him, then gasped, pink-cheeked and dimpled, giving me a breathy, "Again!" He laughed so hard he could barely breathe, then told me, "You're cracking me up!" It's the first time I've ever heard him use that expression! Very funny!

I failed to mention the birthday my mom had on Sunday, then my sister today. Then I avoided blogging about the weight loss I've achieved at my meetings, even though I'm very proud of myself. I've failed to mention how little sleep I've gotten over the pet food scare, worried my dog will get sick, even though he doesn't eat canned food, but only dry. I haven't mentioned how I can still cry over my Missy rabbit, how much I still dream about my Qui-Qui dog, how I see them in my dreams if I can only sleep. I still worry about the dogs and cats in China, although I've been writing about that. I wish I could stop the pain those animals feel, if only I could stop one more animal from being tortured, I could finally sleep.

But I'm worried about the pain in my side. It's been getting worse. I have to wait until tomorrow to get it checked out by a doctor, and I don't know if they will even do any tests at all, or if I'll have to wait, or if they will just don't-worry-you're-pretty-little-head me and send me on my way. Will I get a good doctor? Will he know what to do? Will he have a clue? Will it be anything serious? How soon can I be treated? Can it be treated? I'm just worried about so many things, I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I really wish I could have my family here right now. I miss them. I would like to have people around me who will at least sound concerned about it . . . I think I'm trying to avoid worrying Millie, and C has had his own health concerns, so I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it except on the phone with CJ. I get tired of talking on the phone, though. I just want to be able to talk. Just sit and talk.

And I worry about money. So many unexpected bills creep up, and having medical expenses doesn't help. The ultrasound I just got will be another $120 or so, then there are whatever tests the specialist decides to do. And then we're running short on groceries again, and we have very little money until the next pay period, about a week-and-a-half from now. And wouldn't it be nice just to be able to afford a pair of pants that fit, to celebrate my weight loss with new clothes . . . Or to go out for coffee. . . Or buy E those new shoes he's been needing . . . Or buy a few things for the house, or a new toaster, or a million other things.

I've been feeling pretty down. Pretty depressed. I think we're doing pretty well financially, especially compared with how we were doing in San Antonio. But there are always times when it seems like there is never enough money. I guess that will always be the case, but it's frustrating. I feel like I don't contribute enough, even though I do my best, with all my faults, to keep the house running smoothly and to take care of my son. I wish I could do more, like help with earning the money. And I wish I could find the time or organization or something to be able to enjoy my hobbies (like painting or jewelry-making). I want to travel and to learn new things . . .

I think I might be going through another phase where I just feel vaguely unfulfilled. No real reason, I guess. Not really ennui, or dissatisfaction, or anything I can put my finger on. It's nothing that anyone can help me with, either. I have to figure out something, or answer a question, or something I haven't discerned . . . I don't know what it is. But it makes me feel lonely.

Anyway, since this blog has become so extremely depressing, I do apologize. Anyone who's still reading, I appreciate it. I am thankful that anyone out there might actually care what I'm thinking or going through . . . Leave a comment so I know you're there, if you will. Thanks.

R