New Start . . .

New city, new state . . . Same blah!

There are things about Los Angeles that are better than Texas, and things that are worse. I like being closer to the beach, having lots of things to do, and the weather (mostly--I'd love some rain once in a while). But the people are different, not as open. They always seem angry, like they never get what they want. A bunch of spoiled children with an entitlement complex. I've never seen a city so fascinated with itself so much, either. I think most Angelenos expect outsiders to know where all of the neighborhoods are, know things about certain places, etc. Like we all pay as much attention as they do. And the namedropping! That has always been a pet peeve of mine, too. Like who you know makes you more interesting somehow? Sorry, if you're a bore, you're still a bore even if you know so-and-so. I hear it all the time, even from people I would normally consider "grounded." Pet peeve.

There is a degree of shallowness that I see as well. People will be friends as long as the friendship is useful to them or furthers their careers or helps them get a good deal on this or that. If that ends, or if it's not there, they have no interest in you. It's not 100% true of this place, but I see it a lot here. A lot! It's pretty here, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify one of the highest costs-of-living in the country. Health insurance is HORRIBLE, horrible, horrible. We pay something like 3 times as much as we used to pay on insurance, and get considerably less for our money. No maternity care, high copays, little to no preventative care, deductibles? We never had to deal with those things before.

This next pay period isn't going to go easy on us, either. A blood test for me, and yet another $40 to that quack of a doctor I'm seeing--last time, I guarantee it, then E's back to school supplies and maybe uniforms (I'll know Monday), and my husband's birthday . . . I'd like to get a hair cut, too, but I don't see how we could afford it yet. It seems strange complaining about not having enough money, since it seemed so much like we would be doing better. I don't think we took into account that our medical costs would be quite THAT much higher. We were unprepared, completely. And I've NEVER spent $200 on groceries before moving here--that's just insane! We knew it would be expensive, and on paper it looked like we would be doing okay. But in practice, we are always short on something. C had to get his car registered to get a new inspection sticker or registration tag or something, so that was . . . What did he say? $150? We were thinking it would be closer to $100. Then even if you budget THAT in, it doesn't count the smog test he has to get done, the new drivers license, and all the little California requirements we never even thought of in Texas. I think I thought we would be doing better than this. I really did. To make it worth it for all of us, and not just for C. I know he's excited about the prospect of working for some high-profile companies, even Dreamworks or Pixar, if he could. But to be struggling here, still? I mean, struggling is an overly dramatic word, but I hate seeing all of C's pay being eaten up by bills and expenses. I used to be able to afford an occasional haircut anyway, and we owned a home before . . .

I guess it's all subjective. Maybe I'm feeling some malaise here today, since my mother-in-law told me she would use some of her air miles to buy my sister a ticket to come and visit. I'm thrilled, but then she comes out and says she'll try to get the reservation around the beginning of September . . . My sister wanted to come on September 26! Isn't that a little late to be trying to book an award flight? They only reserve so many seats on a flight that can be used for award miles. So I'm kind of worried about it. C was talking about BUYING the ticket himself (somehow), instead, since he knows how she gets my hopes up and then drags her feet. She's done this so many times before, and gotten E's hopes up . . . She kept telling him she was going to take him to the circus for a month before they showed up, then all week while they played in town, and then they left. No circus. Poor E. I know she means to do it when she tells him, but that's what my dad did to me when I was younger. It broke my heart EVERY time, because I kept thinking THIS time he means it, this time he'll follow through, but . . . He never meant to be mean. He told me once that he said those things because it made me so happy at the time, he just didn't think about the huge crushing disappointment afterward, I guess. My dad's reasoning skills are very "off", though, I'm well aware. But I see a pattern with my mother-in-law. It's so familiar. I think she wants to tell me she'll get the ticket, that she'll generously use her miles (which, by the way, are the only way we ever get gifts from them--things they didn't pay for) then she'll try to book, and the flight will be sold out. So I'll see that she meant to do it, but that it just didn't happen. Oh, well, and I'll forgive her because it wasn't her fault the flight was sold out, and then she'll get to keep her miles.

I'm probably being cynical. Probably, how about "likely." But I feel frustrated and distant from any place I feel comfortable. I feel like my life is completely out of my control, like it's INCAPABLE of being in my control, with the situation we're in. I don't want to stay here in this city. I don't want to leave just yet, but I don't want to feel like we're stuck here. If he gets a job at Pixar or something, we definitely wouldn't be able to leave, and it would be so great for him, an opportunity I couldn't ask him to give up (unless I want to be the most ungrateful hateful bitch of a wife who has ever walked the earth), but that would be completely setting the tone for our life for the next several years.

Ah, here I am, worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet, stuff that isn't even on the table, so to speak. I worry a lot here. More than I used to. Maybe this Depakote is total shit. Last chance for this doctor. He's an idiot. There's another whole post!

That's it, I guess. Another rant, like I've been doing a lot lately, even if not on this blog. The earthquake is another whole story as well, I'll try to post about it. But I will recover. I always do, even if sometimes it takes a while. I have so many reasons to pick up the pieces now, and so many people depending on me. I think my dad crumbled under that responsibility, but I promise myself that won't be me. That just won't be me. I want to look back and see how strong I was, not how I wish I had done things differently.

Trying to get out of this anxiety and depression is a first step, and it's fresh and new again after moving. It's almost like starting over, except I know how it's done, now. I know when I'm not working hard enough.

Thanks for reading,
R

Wazzup?!

Hey, peeps, out there in the world somewhere . . .

I've been gone for some time now, mostly because I really felt confused over what I could safely write about. Allow me to explain, as briefly as I can. My husband works in television, and although there are dozens of stations around the country and my blog is so seldom read, the community is actually very small. It wouldn't take much for someone to put pieces together and determine his identity. So, when the biggest news in my life has to do with clandestine job interviews, a possible interstate move, secret freelance work for competing networks, there isn't much I can blog about. I could easily get him in trouble at work, sabotage his work relationships, and other consequences I haven't even considered. While I think the risk is small, my husband isn't comfortable with my big mouth and the internet, and when his job and our livelihood are at stake, I suppose I can understand that.

So, as life became more stressful, I became more and more withdrawn. With my family hundreds of miles away in San Antonio, there weren't people I could easily confide in. That's where my blog would fill in the gap, or the playgroups my son and I have joined, but since I couldn't blog and I felt like an alien among the moms in the playgroups here, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. No one could help. So I went to therapy. My medications were tinkered with. But to no avail. I've just been bummed and stressed. 'Nuff said.

The biggest news of all is that I will finally be getting out of this place, this tiny backwater of a town, this ultra-Conservative haven, this boring contradiction to the word "wonderland" I call Fort Worth-less. I really haven't liked it here. I do NOT like living in Fort Worth. True, you can live well here on less income. But when all there is to do here is eat mediocre food at mediocre restaurants, go to bars and listen to country & western music, and possibly attend a NASCAR event, I get BORED! Yes, BORED with all capital letters! I visited my family after my husband left, and slept happily (if awkwardly) on the floor of my mom's tiny apartment in San Antonio, ate great food, tried new things, and introduced my son to some of the fun places in the town where I grew up.

So, where are we moving? It seems strange to me in some ways, and not in others. Since he's in television, my husband got a job in Los Angeles! I'm excited to be leaving Fort Worth, but nervous about the impending culture-shock of moving to California. There are mostly stereotypes I'm worried about, which I know a person can't and shouldn't rely on. But the snobbiness, the self-importance of Angelenos, the flakiness, the smog, the congestion and traffic, the rudeness . . . Those are the things I am nervous about. I don't normally fit in among materialistic or conceited people. I hope it's only a stereotype and not a truth. We'll see, I suppose. So neither I nor those in my family are thrilled over Los Angeles as our future home, but it has seemed inevitable for some time now. In television, you end up in Los Angeles or New York eventually, if you want to reach higher points in your career. You can find exceptions to that rule, but not often.

It's strange, but visiting there a long time ago, in my early 20s, I didn't really like it much. I was only there for a short time. But driving was frightening, people were rude, and it seemed dirty. I didn't like it. But I remember saying to my sister that I thought I would end up coming back there someday. Who knows? Maybe I foresaw this part of my life. It's weird that I would have a premonition like that about I place I didn't even enjoy vacationing, but I did.

My hubby C is already there, been working for about a month now. Our house now has an offer on it and we're looking for apartments or houses we can rent reasonably for all three of us and our little dog. Hopefully we'll be together by the middle of April. In the meantime, I'm wearing a path in the asphalt between here and San Antonio, taking care of my son more like a single mom, and gaining weight on my newly discovered love of gelato, and hibernating in my home dry from all of the wet weather, putting minutes on my stupid pay-as-you-go phone . . . But hopefully it's all for a good cause, a better future for our family, better pay even with the higher cost of living, and opportunities galore. Maybe I'll finally get an iPhone! :)

Well, I'll have to post more later. I've typed a novel already. Should anyone know to read this, I'll write more about it later. Should be interesting to see how a Texan makes it in the urban jungle of Los Angeles. Culture shock. Yeah.

Take care, all, and I'll blog ya later!
R