On my mind . . .

Pretty much, the major item weighing on my mind is just how much I really HATE living in Fort Worth! That, and I've had some issues with my wrist, something resembling carpal tunnel, although I admit I've had no confirmed diagnosis. Therefore I haven't been typing much. I probably shouldn't be doing it now, but guilt over my lack of blogging has gotten the better of me.

So what's so terrible about Fort Worth? Maybe nothing, really. I guess it just doesn't feel like home, and I feel like a fish out of water. It's ultra-conservative, rural, and overwhelmingly centered on white American culture. If that makes you feel at home, this might be a place for you. But it isn't for me. I prefer a more multicultural feel, and more artistic and outdoor activities. Maybe more freedom of thought . . . Just a lot of things, I suppose.

We did have a good time in San Antonio on our last trip. We went downtown to Market Square and El Mercado, had a blast shopping and sightseeing, then we went to Mi Tierra for lunch and pastries. Then we went to the Riverwalk, hiked up and down both sides, took a river cruise and tour, saw the sun set, and watched San Antonio light up for the evening. It was great. Ethan had a great time, too. He got a tiny guitar (not plastic or a toy) and a tambourine, and I got some silver and turquoise jewelry made by hand in Peru. Fun.

I saw my dad on Saturday, shopped at La Cantera and let Ethan play, and we bought him his first Build-a-Bear Workshop toy, a cat with a Spurs jersey. It's really adorable, and he treated it like a friend all night. Just precious! La Cantera at night is really beautiful as well, and we enjoyed just talking and window-shopping. I will remember that for a long time. How I will miss Saturdays with my dad. I can't wait for him to visit.

Ethan didn't want to leave, and that made it hard for me. But we needed to leave since we have business here in Fort Worth, and I had some Ebay auctions ending. C'est la vie. :(

The drive was easy and uneventful. I have two signs that are favorites of mine. The first is a billboard that asks, in large type:

Got Dirty Birds?

Then says:

We have birdbaths!

The other is a street sign for a road called "Bugtussle". I just love trying to picture that! It cracks me up! Bugtussle. Yeah.

OK, that's about it. I'd better protect my wrists.

Nighty-night!
R

Wazzup?!

Hey, peeps, out there in the world somewhere . . .

I've been gone for some time now, mostly because I really felt confused over what I could safely write about. Allow me to explain, as briefly as I can. My husband works in television, and although there are dozens of stations around the country and my blog is so seldom read, the community is actually very small. It wouldn't take much for someone to put pieces together and determine his identity. So, when the biggest news in my life has to do with clandestine job interviews, a possible interstate move, secret freelance work for competing networks, there isn't much I can blog about. I could easily get him in trouble at work, sabotage his work relationships, and other consequences I haven't even considered. While I think the risk is small, my husband isn't comfortable with my big mouth and the internet, and when his job and our livelihood are at stake, I suppose I can understand that.

So, as life became more stressful, I became more and more withdrawn. With my family hundreds of miles away in San Antonio, there weren't people I could easily confide in. That's where my blog would fill in the gap, or the playgroups my son and I have joined, but since I couldn't blog and I felt like an alien among the moms in the playgroups here, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. No one could help. So I went to therapy. My medications were tinkered with. But to no avail. I've just been bummed and stressed. 'Nuff said.

The biggest news of all is that I will finally be getting out of this place, this tiny backwater of a town, this ultra-Conservative haven, this boring contradiction to the word "wonderland" I call Fort Worth-less. I really haven't liked it here. I do NOT like living in Fort Worth. True, you can live well here on less income. But when all there is to do here is eat mediocre food at mediocre restaurants, go to bars and listen to country & western music, and possibly attend a NASCAR event, I get BORED! Yes, BORED with all capital letters! I visited my family after my husband left, and slept happily (if awkwardly) on the floor of my mom's tiny apartment in San Antonio, ate great food, tried new things, and introduced my son to some of the fun places in the town where I grew up.

So, where are we moving? It seems strange to me in some ways, and not in others. Since he's in television, my husband got a job in Los Angeles! I'm excited to be leaving Fort Worth, but nervous about the impending culture-shock of moving to California. There are mostly stereotypes I'm worried about, which I know a person can't and shouldn't rely on. But the snobbiness, the self-importance of Angelenos, the flakiness, the smog, the congestion and traffic, the rudeness . . . Those are the things I am nervous about. I don't normally fit in among materialistic or conceited people. I hope it's only a stereotype and not a truth. We'll see, I suppose. So neither I nor those in my family are thrilled over Los Angeles as our future home, but it has seemed inevitable for some time now. In television, you end up in Los Angeles or New York eventually, if you want to reach higher points in your career. You can find exceptions to that rule, but not often.

It's strange, but visiting there a long time ago, in my early 20s, I didn't really like it much. I was only there for a short time. But driving was frightening, people were rude, and it seemed dirty. I didn't like it. But I remember saying to my sister that I thought I would end up coming back there someday. Who knows? Maybe I foresaw this part of my life. It's weird that I would have a premonition like that about I place I didn't even enjoy vacationing, but I did.

My hubby C is already there, been working for about a month now. Our house now has an offer on it and we're looking for apartments or houses we can rent reasonably for all three of us and our little dog. Hopefully we'll be together by the middle of April. In the meantime, I'm wearing a path in the asphalt between here and San Antonio, taking care of my son more like a single mom, and gaining weight on my newly discovered love of gelato, and hibernating in my home dry from all of the wet weather, putting minutes on my stupid pay-as-you-go phone . . . But hopefully it's all for a good cause, a better future for our family, better pay even with the higher cost of living, and opportunities galore. Maybe I'll finally get an iPhone! :)

Well, I'll have to post more later. I've typed a novel already. Should anyone know to read this, I'll write more about it later. Should be interesting to see how a Texan makes it in the urban jungle of Los Angeles. Culture shock. Yeah.

Take care, all, and I'll blog ya later!
R

Happy Birthday, E!

Yes, today is the birthday of my wonderful Mister E! He is 4 years old today!


What a big boy you are, my sweet E! You can do so many things by yourself that I sometimes feel like you don't need me anymore. Then you give me a hug, tell me you love me, and I know you do. You make me feel like a very lucky mom!

Today you had a great birthday, and I will post some photos of our adventure here soon. It was an . . . interesting birthday! I don't think many kids had one like it! I can post more here tomorrow. But you really seemed happy today, proud of being such a big boy, and you sounded so surprised when I told you that you were 4 and not 3 anymore . . . You said, "I'm going to be 4 all the time?" Yes, until your next birthday, I told you! Then you had a big smile on your face . . .

Guess I'd better get some sleep. We still have more plans for tomorrow, and I'm exhausted after this day. Try to get some sleep, my big boy, and we'll have some more fun when the sun comes out!

Love,
Mommy

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!

Guess what? I am sooooo excited to announce that I have just purchased (and safely brought home) my first CRANBERRY BLISS BAR of the season!!!!!! Yeah! Woohoo! Non-Starbucks people won't get it, but try one, and you will . . . They are awesome indeed, and addictive. Only here for a short time, too short to say the least. So get 'em while you can, as long as you don't buy them from MY local Starbucks--I plan to buy and enjoy all I can until they are gone!

Well, gotta go, I want to savor the taste. Here I go, to cranberry bliss . . .

:)

R

Antidote to computer withdrawal?

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Answers and Awards

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R

Recurring dream . . .

One of my favorite Crowded House songs, but also an affliction I've been dealing with for quite some time. There have been many over my lifetime, depending on what I've been experiencing at the time, but this one is one I haven't had for a while, and now I am officially confused.

I've had this dream where I walk into a room and see caged birds, usually parakeets, that are sadly undernourished. I realize, with horror, that these are MY parakeets and that I haven't cleaned their cages, fed or watered them in quite some time! Sometimes I find a sack or box of seed and just dump fresh food onto the old empty hulls filling their bowls, sometimes I fill the water dish that is dirty with clouds of debris and feathers. Sometimes I do both; sometimes I'm in a rush and tell myself I will hurry back, that it's an emergency. These birds have been forgotten, and, worse still, I have forgotten how long they have been forgotten! I'm distraught, guilty, sad, scared they will die and it will have been my fault . . .

Almost always in the past when I've had this dream, it's due to a neglect I've been feeling. I used to dream this when I realized I hadn't been paying enough attention to my dear rabbit. But, since she passed last December, I don't know how to explain the dream. Is it about my dog? I feel like I've been taking time out for him. Is it me? I don't know. It can't be E, he's been a huge focus lately since we've been potty training. So now I can't tell why I had this dream. It's really bugging me, a nagging feeling that there is something I need to address, help, care for . . . something. It might even be akin to a dire emergency, like the parakeets that may have been starved close to death. And there's guilt, too, for something I don't know I'm neglecting. What is it?