Just a quick . . .

. . . hello, and a note to say I'm back from my trip.

I went to San Antonio over the weekend to visit family and friends. I had a great time, ate some great food, and now I'm back home again. I will probably write more on that soon, just not right now. I'm getting ready to eat dinner.

But I have some good news. In spite of a car trip and some fabulous Tex-Mex, I still lost 0.8 pounds! The last time I went out of town in a car, I gained 1 pound on my return. So it was a triumphant feeling to hear that I had lost weight this time.

And--more good news! From the land of Starbucks, I hear that the many varieties of creme Frappuccino drinks now have a LIGHT version! Woohoo! I can fit those green tea Frappuccinos back into my diet again! And, as if it could get any better than that, they now have a SUGAR-FREE caramel syrup, too! Now those Caramel Macchiatos and iced Caramel Macchiatos I used to love can be absolutely sugar-free! I'm a happy gal.

More stuff to follow. My dinner is ready. Look for the goodies at your local Starbucks. If they aren't there yet, they will hopefully be in your neighborhood soon.

Blog ya later,
R

Positive and Negative

Ever think about that? Whether your life is mostly positive or mostly negative? I think depressed people think about that a lot. We focus on the negative things and give them more weight than they really have. A book I read described it as looking through the "lens of depression" as if it tinted everything you saw. I think that's true.

But have you ever thought about changing an event, thought, experience, etc. from one to the other? We probably do it all the time without noticing. Perhaps you had a great time on a date, then find out the person you were with lied to you about something, then the date that was once wonderful is suddenly tainted and painful. The event still passed in a happy way, but looking back, you might have changed it in your mind into a negative memory.

The opposite is something I've been trying to focus on--turning negative experiences into positive ones. It's a healthier attitude and one that I think my life could really use.

So, turning a negative into a positive could just be that you learned a lesson from something that you did wrong. Taking a lesson from a mistake could make that experience worthwhile, even if you can't change what you did. A more difficult way of turning negative to positive is to take an experience that was traumatic, devastating, woeful, fearful, or otherwise horrible, and make it something you can benefit from. Maybe not all negatives are possible to become positives, I don't know. But I'm working from the assumption that they are all potential lessons or benefits waiting to be discovered.

For example, I believe I've mentioned in my blog before that I had some horrific memories of my life in junior high and high school. For years, I've told myself that I would never admit that any of those experiences had made me stronger or made me empathetic to suffering or anything that might make it better for me. I refused to do so thinking that if I learned something, became stronger, or anything like that, I would also be saying to myself that those people who hurt me had somehow done me a favor. They had helped make me a better person by tormenting me every day of my formative years and making me consider suicide at a young age. But that's not really the truth. No, they didn't do me any favors, that's for sure. But finding something positive from all of that torment actually gave me power that I thought they had taken away. Back then, those people had the power to make me unhappy, and they wanted to. But if I turn it around, make something out of that time in my life, I can take that power away from them. I can go back to that girl and tell her how I would be a more sympathetic person, a stronger person, and a person who can handle adversity and still prevail. I learned that I can fight through depression, that suicide would have been a terrible loss knowing all of the wonderful things I've experienced since then . . . I can go on. I can give that girl I was the strength that I have now, since she didn't know she was strong. I can take something out of that time that I didn't know I could. And no one takes the credit but me for doing that. My tormentors had no higher cause to making me miserable, but I have a choice of how to view it. So I choose the higher cause.

Well, it's nappy time for the boy, so I think I'll take a bit of a break. Blog you folks later.

R

Good News.

I've lost a full 25 pounds since I started Weight Watchers! Yep, all that hard work is actually paying off. Let me say that I thought I would be lucky to lose 10 pounds in 6 months, so I didn't think to hope I would lose 25 pounds in less than 4 months. The last 9 pounds will go more slowly, I believe, but at least I know I can do it if I work at it. I feel more "in control" than ever.

And as I was playing a toddler version of hopscotch on our small back patio, I noticed that my husband's eyes were on me and not my son. I asked him why he was watching me, and he said, "I can't help it if I have a hot wife."

:)

Wow, a "hot wife"! Me? Pretty cool. And very nice of my husband to say so. He might be a bit biased, but it is very very nice to hear.

Lots of boosts to my self-esteem lately. :)

And, I really hate to have so many product endorsements (such as Weight Watchers) but when I find something I like, I tell everyone about it. And I think WW is worth the money and time and effort. You can tell that I am passionate about it. And I want to mention another product that I am thrilled with lately. It is Olay Regenerist Thermal Skin Polisher. It is awesome! My adult acne is clearing, scars are fading, dry skin disappearing, and wrinkles smoothing . . . I love it. I keep getting comments on how good my skin looks, and let me say I have NEVER gotten compliments on my skin! I have had acne since I was in 3rd grade, and I am not exaggerating on that. I've had bad skin my whole life. And now I get compliments. Mostly from people who know what my skin looked like before, but I know how bad it was. I've tried truckloads of products and lost enthusiasm over all of them, but this one is worth the money. I think it says 10 straight days is equivalent to a mini-peel, and I think that's true. I think that my skin is a lot better than it was, and I've only been using this for a month. Go out and buy it! :)

Guess that's enough pointless blogging for a night. I'll be back soon with more!

Blog ya later,
R

Maybe . . .

I might be able to visit San Antonio this Friday. I hate to sound too definite since I always jinx myself, but it sounds like a good possibility. Get some Tex-Mex, visit the fam, maybe have coffee with H . . . Should be a good time, but too brief, as usual.

I might be able to finish the 100 Things About Me post I'm planning. I'm in the 80s now. I think I was planning to procrastinate on that a bit, but I realized I've been doing that for way too long. Some of the stuff I had earlier on the list wasn't even accurate anymore. So I'm gonna give it another go . . .

I might be able to work on some art soon. C bought me a craft armoire for my art and jewelry goodies, so I can have a place to work and a place to store (and lock up) my art supplies when I need E to stay out. I've been having creative ideas, too, lately, so I'd like to follow up on that. I know it sounds boring to post that I've been having ideas, but with the bipolar meds, that is really an accomplishment. A huge turning point, since the meds dull creative reflexes I've been honing for so many years. A part of me has been missing since therapy, and now I might be getting back the only part of the "old" me that I really missed. Good news for me . . .

I might . . .

Have some more stuff to write about later. I guess I have to get the E-man to bed. He didn't nap, and we had a shopping expedition with his piggy bank money today, so he's especially tired and fussy. So I guess it's night-night time. I'm pretty tired, too, since I spent a good hour vacuuming today. I'm pretty hard-core about the vacuum, too. I treat it like a workout, get my weight gloves on so I can vacuum without worrying about pain, and then I even dig through those nasty rollers with my bare hands to dig out the carpet fuzz and other creepies. It takes a while. But I have a clean house, too. So I guess the routine is worth it. Payoffs everywhere! :)

Well, take care, and come back again!

R

Why can't I be positive?

Not positive as in "you're pregnancy test is positive," but positive in that I am a very negative person. I try not to be, try to look for the good in life and in myself, but it's hard.

I realized today that I have been teaching myself to dislike who I am for years and years, and it's hard to un-learn something that powerful. How many times I tried to hide in plain sight from the kids in school who tormented me as they kicked me, surrounded me and grabbed my privates, as they drew on my clothes, spat on me, threw large wads of paper at my head, slammed me into walls as they passed, stole things from me, laughed at my voice, my walk, my parents income, my clothes . . . Everything. I thought if I could make myself as invisible as possible, they wouldn't notice me enough to tease me. I hated public speaking, and I still have yet to be comfortable with it. I hate brightly-colored clothing--it singles me out. And being fat only made me feel worse, but I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I had medical conditions and medications that made weight loss difficult, and I think I told myself that with those barriers, I just couldn't lose weight, so I might as well give up. Or not try. Eh, the lies I told myself to feel better about eating and get over the guilt. But I'm only a few pounds from my goal weight now, and I have to start believing that I'm not a fat person. I think I still am, in my mind. Changing those things about myself that I have believed for so long may be the toughest things I've had to face, even tougher than therapy for depression had been.

I think I thought that therapy did all the work for you. Once I got over the stigma of seeing a therapist--the dreaded therapist of flaky Hollywood stars and weird tin-foil wearing hoarders of cats--I could focus on the recovery. It was all me, much to my dismay. I had to do the work, I had to change, I had to keep on track. Why I thought the therapist would do all the work is beyond me now, but that's what I thought at the time. It was hard to get through, but it's the labor of change that heals. Without it, you don't become stronger, and you don't learn how to keep yourself strong in the future.

I'm sold on Weight Watchers and on therapy. I highly recommend them both, by the way. Anything that can help and expedite a recovery or benefit, I am all for it. Why wait? Why suffer? Why wait for your situation to change, when it may not? Just find a way to heal and stick with it. I wasted too much of my life as it is, hoping I wouldn't have to go to Weight Watchers or to therapy, but the whole time I did, I was still unhealthy. I might have been able to do it on my own, but it would have taken much longer. And the help is there, and I learned a lot more in a short time than I could have learned over years and years of struggling on my own. And I still did it myself--all the work was mine--I earned it. But I had coursework to back it up. Don't underestimate it, or yourself. Therapy rocks. And so does Weight Watchers. And the things I have learned apply to when I'm not on a program or in therapy, so I can continue the benefit. You can't top that, in my opinion.

Anyone else see the Spurs win? Was that not cool? I am so happy for them, my hometown team. Underdogs, still, after all of these years, but a great team with lots of great players. Someone can always pick up the slack. Still, I'm sorry for Avery Johnson and the Mavericks. I was hoping they would do better. The next game is tonight, but it might be the last. I think they may have been over-confident after such a great season, and they weren't prepared for the ferocity of the playoffs. It's a real shame, since I know they are a great team. And Avery is such a nice guy, San Antonio still has a soft spot in their hearts for him. Good luck to them tonight, but good luck to the Spurs, too, next series.

Well, enough rambling. I will probably post some more lists, soon. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid the "100 Things About Me" list I was working on, since I don't know if I can find 100 things. Oh, well. So I'll spread it out! And I can talk about my pets, too, something 100 things about me wouldn't cover. So, read on, if you're interested. :)

Thanks for visiting, and till next time, blog ya later.

R

Names I Call My Dog

My sweet Benny, I've given him a ton of nicknames. For starters:

• Benny
• Bennie and the Jets
• Benny-Boy
• Ben-Ben
• Bennster
• Pom-Pom
• Pocket Dog
• Pocket Pup
• Pocket Poof
• Pet Poof
• Bark Machine
• Shut Up

And my favorite: Fuzzlebum.

I think he knows I'm talking to him every time, but I can't be sure. He's not exactly in the running for the dog version of MENSA. Not the brightest dog, but certainly the cutest! He's a little clown who gives me doggie hugs and kisses every day, and follows me around like a shadow. Very sweet, without a vicious bone in his body. Just so you know . . .

Introducing you to my Benny. :)

R

Viruses and Neurons

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R