New Start . . .

New city, new state . . . Same blah!

There are things about Los Angeles that are better than Texas, and things that are worse. I like being closer to the beach, having lots of things to do, and the weather (mostly--I'd love some rain once in a while). But the people are different, not as open. They always seem angry, like they never get what they want. A bunch of spoiled children with an entitlement complex. I've never seen a city so fascinated with itself so much, either. I think most Angelenos expect outsiders to know where all of the neighborhoods are, know things about certain places, etc. Like we all pay as much attention as they do. And the namedropping! That has always been a pet peeve of mine, too. Like who you know makes you more interesting somehow? Sorry, if you're a bore, you're still a bore even if you know so-and-so. I hear it all the time, even from people I would normally consider "grounded." Pet peeve.

There is a degree of shallowness that I see as well. People will be friends as long as the friendship is useful to them or furthers their careers or helps them get a good deal on this or that. If that ends, or if it's not there, they have no interest in you. It's not 100% true of this place, but I see it a lot here. A lot! It's pretty here, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify one of the highest costs-of-living in the country. Health insurance is HORRIBLE, horrible, horrible. We pay something like 3 times as much as we used to pay on insurance, and get considerably less for our money. No maternity care, high copays, little to no preventative care, deductibles? We never had to deal with those things before.

This next pay period isn't going to go easy on us, either. A blood test for me, and yet another $40 to that quack of a doctor I'm seeing--last time, I guarantee it, then E's back to school supplies and maybe uniforms (I'll know Monday), and my husband's birthday . . . I'd like to get a hair cut, too, but I don't see how we could afford it yet. It seems strange complaining about not having enough money, since it seemed so much like we would be doing better. I don't think we took into account that our medical costs would be quite THAT much higher. We were unprepared, completely. And I've NEVER spent $200 on groceries before moving here--that's just insane! We knew it would be expensive, and on paper it looked like we would be doing okay. But in practice, we are always short on something. C had to get his car registered to get a new inspection sticker or registration tag or something, so that was . . . What did he say? $150? We were thinking it would be closer to $100. Then even if you budget THAT in, it doesn't count the smog test he has to get done, the new drivers license, and all the little California requirements we never even thought of in Texas. I think I thought we would be doing better than this. I really did. To make it worth it for all of us, and not just for C. I know he's excited about the prospect of working for some high-profile companies, even Dreamworks or Pixar, if he could. But to be struggling here, still? I mean, struggling is an overly dramatic word, but I hate seeing all of C's pay being eaten up by bills and expenses. I used to be able to afford an occasional haircut anyway, and we owned a home before . . .

I guess it's all subjective. Maybe I'm feeling some malaise here today, since my mother-in-law told me she would use some of her air miles to buy my sister a ticket to come and visit. I'm thrilled, but then she comes out and says she'll try to get the reservation around the beginning of September . . . My sister wanted to come on September 26! Isn't that a little late to be trying to book an award flight? They only reserve so many seats on a flight that can be used for award miles. So I'm kind of worried about it. C was talking about BUYING the ticket himself (somehow), instead, since he knows how she gets my hopes up and then drags her feet. She's done this so many times before, and gotten E's hopes up . . . She kept telling him she was going to take him to the circus for a month before they showed up, then all week while they played in town, and then they left. No circus. Poor E. I know she means to do it when she tells him, but that's what my dad did to me when I was younger. It broke my heart EVERY time, because I kept thinking THIS time he means it, this time he'll follow through, but . . . He never meant to be mean. He told me once that he said those things because it made me so happy at the time, he just didn't think about the huge crushing disappointment afterward, I guess. My dad's reasoning skills are very "off", though, I'm well aware. But I see a pattern with my mother-in-law. It's so familiar. I think she wants to tell me she'll get the ticket, that she'll generously use her miles (which, by the way, are the only way we ever get gifts from them--things they didn't pay for) then she'll try to book, and the flight will be sold out. So I'll see that she meant to do it, but that it just didn't happen. Oh, well, and I'll forgive her because it wasn't her fault the flight was sold out, and then she'll get to keep her miles.

I'm probably being cynical. Probably, how about "likely." But I feel frustrated and distant from any place I feel comfortable. I feel like my life is completely out of my control, like it's INCAPABLE of being in my control, with the situation we're in. I don't want to stay here in this city. I don't want to leave just yet, but I don't want to feel like we're stuck here. If he gets a job at Pixar or something, we definitely wouldn't be able to leave, and it would be so great for him, an opportunity I couldn't ask him to give up (unless I want to be the most ungrateful hateful bitch of a wife who has ever walked the earth), but that would be completely setting the tone for our life for the next several years.

Ah, here I am, worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet, stuff that isn't even on the table, so to speak. I worry a lot here. More than I used to. Maybe this Depakote is total shit. Last chance for this doctor. He's an idiot. There's another whole post!

That's it, I guess. Another rant, like I've been doing a lot lately, even if not on this blog. The earthquake is another whole story as well, I'll try to post about it. But I will recover. I always do, even if sometimes it takes a while. I have so many reasons to pick up the pieces now, and so many people depending on me. I think my dad crumbled under that responsibility, but I promise myself that won't be me. That just won't be me. I want to look back and see how strong I was, not how I wish I had done things differently.

Trying to get out of this anxiety and depression is a first step, and it's fresh and new again after moving. It's almost like starting over, except I know how it's done, now. I know when I'm not working hard enough.

Thanks for reading,
R

On my mind . . .

Pretty much, the major item weighing on my mind is just how much I really HATE living in Fort Worth! That, and I've had some issues with my wrist, something resembling carpal tunnel, although I admit I've had no confirmed diagnosis. Therefore I haven't been typing much. I probably shouldn't be doing it now, but guilt over my lack of blogging has gotten the better of me.

So what's so terrible about Fort Worth? Maybe nothing, really. I guess it just doesn't feel like home, and I feel like a fish out of water. It's ultra-conservative, rural, and overwhelmingly centered on white American culture. If that makes you feel at home, this might be a place for you. But it isn't for me. I prefer a more multicultural feel, and more artistic and outdoor activities. Maybe more freedom of thought . . . Just a lot of things, I suppose.

We did have a good time in San Antonio on our last trip. We went downtown to Market Square and El Mercado, had a blast shopping and sightseeing, then we went to Mi Tierra for lunch and pastries. Then we went to the Riverwalk, hiked up and down both sides, took a river cruise and tour, saw the sun set, and watched San Antonio light up for the evening. It was great. Ethan had a great time, too. He got a tiny guitar (not plastic or a toy) and a tambourine, and I got some silver and turquoise jewelry made by hand in Peru. Fun.

I saw my dad on Saturday, shopped at La Cantera and let Ethan play, and we bought him his first Build-a-Bear Workshop toy, a cat with a Spurs jersey. It's really adorable, and he treated it like a friend all night. Just precious! La Cantera at night is really beautiful as well, and we enjoyed just talking and window-shopping. I will remember that for a long time. How I will miss Saturdays with my dad. I can't wait for him to visit.

Ethan didn't want to leave, and that made it hard for me. But we needed to leave since we have business here in Fort Worth, and I had some Ebay auctions ending. C'est la vie. :(

The drive was easy and uneventful. I have two signs that are favorites of mine. The first is a billboard that asks, in large type:

Got Dirty Birds?

Then says:

We have birdbaths!

The other is a street sign for a road called "Bugtussle". I just love trying to picture that! It cracks me up! Bugtussle. Yeah.

OK, that's about it. I'd better protect my wrists.

Nighty-night!
R

Wazzup?!

Hey, peeps, out there in the world somewhere . . .

I've been gone for some time now, mostly because I really felt confused over what I could safely write about. Allow me to explain, as briefly as I can. My husband works in television, and although there are dozens of stations around the country and my blog is so seldom read, the community is actually very small. It wouldn't take much for someone to put pieces together and determine his identity. So, when the biggest news in my life has to do with clandestine job interviews, a possible interstate move, secret freelance work for competing networks, there isn't much I can blog about. I could easily get him in trouble at work, sabotage his work relationships, and other consequences I haven't even considered. While I think the risk is small, my husband isn't comfortable with my big mouth and the internet, and when his job and our livelihood are at stake, I suppose I can understand that.

So, as life became more stressful, I became more and more withdrawn. With my family hundreds of miles away in San Antonio, there weren't people I could easily confide in. That's where my blog would fill in the gap, or the playgroups my son and I have joined, but since I couldn't blog and I felt like an alien among the moms in the playgroups here, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. No one could help. So I went to therapy. My medications were tinkered with. But to no avail. I've just been bummed and stressed. 'Nuff said.

The biggest news of all is that I will finally be getting out of this place, this tiny backwater of a town, this ultra-Conservative haven, this boring contradiction to the word "wonderland" I call Fort Worth-less. I really haven't liked it here. I do NOT like living in Fort Worth. True, you can live well here on less income. But when all there is to do here is eat mediocre food at mediocre restaurants, go to bars and listen to country & western music, and possibly attend a NASCAR event, I get BORED! Yes, BORED with all capital letters! I visited my family after my husband left, and slept happily (if awkwardly) on the floor of my mom's tiny apartment in San Antonio, ate great food, tried new things, and introduced my son to some of the fun places in the town where I grew up.

So, where are we moving? It seems strange to me in some ways, and not in others. Since he's in television, my husband got a job in Los Angeles! I'm excited to be leaving Fort Worth, but nervous about the impending culture-shock of moving to California. There are mostly stereotypes I'm worried about, which I know a person can't and shouldn't rely on. But the snobbiness, the self-importance of Angelenos, the flakiness, the smog, the congestion and traffic, the rudeness . . . Those are the things I am nervous about. I don't normally fit in among materialistic or conceited people. I hope it's only a stereotype and not a truth. We'll see, I suppose. So neither I nor those in my family are thrilled over Los Angeles as our future home, but it has seemed inevitable for some time now. In television, you end up in Los Angeles or New York eventually, if you want to reach higher points in your career. You can find exceptions to that rule, but not often.

It's strange, but visiting there a long time ago, in my early 20s, I didn't really like it much. I was only there for a short time. But driving was frightening, people were rude, and it seemed dirty. I didn't like it. But I remember saying to my sister that I thought I would end up coming back there someday. Who knows? Maybe I foresaw this part of my life. It's weird that I would have a premonition like that about I place I didn't even enjoy vacationing, but I did.

My hubby C is already there, been working for about a month now. Our house now has an offer on it and we're looking for apartments or houses we can rent reasonably for all three of us and our little dog. Hopefully we'll be together by the middle of April. In the meantime, I'm wearing a path in the asphalt between here and San Antonio, taking care of my son more like a single mom, and gaining weight on my newly discovered love of gelato, and hibernating in my home dry from all of the wet weather, putting minutes on my stupid pay-as-you-go phone . . . But hopefully it's all for a good cause, a better future for our family, better pay even with the higher cost of living, and opportunities galore. Maybe I'll finally get an iPhone! :)

Well, I'll have to post more later. I've typed a novel already. Should anyone know to read this, I'll write more about it later. Should be interesting to see how a Texan makes it in the urban jungle of Los Angeles. Culture shock. Yeah.

Take care, all, and I'll blog ya later!
R

Happy Birthday, E!

Yes, today is the birthday of my wonderful Mister E! He is 4 years old today!


What a big boy you are, my sweet E! You can do so many things by yourself that I sometimes feel like you don't need me anymore. Then you give me a hug, tell me you love me, and I know you do. You make me feel like a very lucky mom!

Today you had a great birthday, and I will post some photos of our adventure here soon. It was an . . . interesting birthday! I don't think many kids had one like it! I can post more here tomorrow. But you really seemed happy today, proud of being such a big boy, and you sounded so surprised when I told you that you were 4 and not 3 anymore . . . You said, "I'm going to be 4 all the time?" Yes, until your next birthday, I told you! Then you had a big smile on your face . . .

Guess I'd better get some sleep. We still have more plans for tomorrow, and I'm exhausted after this day. Try to get some sleep, my big boy, and we'll have some more fun when the sun comes out!

Love,
Mommy

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!

Guess what? I am sooooo excited to announce that I have just purchased (and safely brought home) my first CRANBERRY BLISS BAR of the season!!!!!! Yeah! Woohoo! Non-Starbucks people won't get it, but try one, and you will . . . They are awesome indeed, and addictive. Only here for a short time, too short to say the least. So get 'em while you can, as long as you don't buy them from MY local Starbucks--I plan to buy and enjoy all I can until they are gone!

Well, gotta go, I want to savor the taste. Here I go, to cranberry bliss . . .

:)

R

Antidote to computer withdrawal?

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Answers and Awards

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R