Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!

Guess what? I am sooooo excited to announce that I have just purchased (and safely brought home) my first CRANBERRY BLISS BAR of the season!!!!!! Yeah! Woohoo! Non-Starbucks people won't get it, but try one, and you will . . . They are awesome indeed, and addictive. Only here for a short time, too short to say the least. So get 'em while you can, as long as you don't buy them from MY local Starbucks--I plan to buy and enjoy all I can until they are gone!

Well, gotta go, I want to savor the taste. Here I go, to cranberry bliss . . .

:)

R

Antidote to computer withdrawal?

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Answers and Awards

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R

Recurring dream . . .

One of my favorite Crowded House songs, but also an affliction I've been dealing with for quite some time. There have been many over my lifetime, depending on what I've been experiencing at the time, but this one is one I haven't had for a while, and now I am officially confused.

I've had this dream where I walk into a room and see caged birds, usually parakeets, that are sadly undernourished. I realize, with horror, that these are MY parakeets and that I haven't cleaned their cages, fed or watered them in quite some time! Sometimes I find a sack or box of seed and just dump fresh food onto the old empty hulls filling their bowls, sometimes I fill the water dish that is dirty with clouds of debris and feathers. Sometimes I do both; sometimes I'm in a rush and tell myself I will hurry back, that it's an emergency. These birds have been forgotten, and, worse still, I have forgotten how long they have been forgotten! I'm distraught, guilty, sad, scared they will die and it will have been my fault . . .

Almost always in the past when I've had this dream, it's due to a neglect I've been feeling. I used to dream this when I realized I hadn't been paying enough attention to my dear rabbit. But, since she passed last December, I don't know how to explain the dream. Is it about my dog? I feel like I've been taking time out for him. Is it me? I don't know. It can't be E, he's been a huge focus lately since we've been potty training. So now I can't tell why I had this dream. It's really bugging me, a nagging feeling that there is something I need to address, help, care for . . . something. It might even be akin to a dire emergency, like the parakeets that may have been starved close to death. And there's guilt, too, for something I don't know I'm neglecting. What is it?

OK to Blog?

Using the term "blog" as a verb here . . .

So when is it okay to blog about your life when it involves someone else? That's the question on my mind at the moment. There seems to be a line that must be invisible, because I swear I can't see it sometimes.

For example, I'm sure it's okay to blog about my grandmother, if she falls down and breaks her wrist, as she actually did last week. It's one of those things that happens, maybe that person is upset but not embarrassed about it, and it is an event or happening that is on my mind. I worry about her, worry how her surgery went, how she'll heal, how she's handling the anxiety afterward. It doesn't seem to be something in the "gray" area, although I'm sure if I really thought about it, there would be some reasons not to mention it.

What if I'm worried about someone? What if those worries keep me up at night, make me feel depressed and helpless, but involve things that other person may not want to make public? Even if I don't say who it is I'm worried about, that person might feel uncomfortable or even feel betrayed that I discussed them on the internet. I'm guessing that situation is just one I have to bear, since that really isn't fair to someone to discuss their personal business, even if it's an all-consuming anxiety-fest for me.

But here's what I see is a gray area I'm not to clear about. What if, for example, I've done something that affects someone else, but the other person might be embarrassed? What if they've done something to me, but wouldn't want it discussed? What if something someone else does affects my own life, but is really their own business? When are those topics mine to discuss, or off-limits?

I can use the example of my son. I know this is a motherhood blog, in part, and there will be times when I blog about him. But I know I have to protect his privacy as well as his safety, as a parent, and to think about his future. My own mother never had to worry about the details of my life floating about in cyberspace to come back and haunt me in my adulthood. But this is a new century and a new era of technology and communication. How can I bond a public life with a private one? How am I supposed to know when it's acceptable to discuss potty training, for example, a subject that might help other moms out there who might be reading this, and when it's really something I ought to keep to myself? Would my son want me to write about this? Probably not. Should I? Could I? Would I? I don't know. If it might help someone else, maybe it should be all right. But am I wrong?

Of course, my therapist has a way of putting things that simplifies my life to a nutshell at times. Bookended by numerous "qualifying" statements, he said, "You tend to think too much." I think he's right, no pun intended! Then I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out when it's okay to think to much, and when it's not . . .

R

Little things I didn't know . . .

The things that people who do NOT have kids don't realize about those of us who do . . .

Well, I was one of those people without children not too long ago, and I think I really had no clue. I think parents (especially moms) have a way of complaining to their non-parent friends, telling them how HARD it is to have a child, how much work it is, etc--so much so that non-parents tune it OUT--just to make sure that the work they do is appreciated and valued. But it's not something that you can just TELL someone to appreciate or value. And, truth is, it's also a lot more fun than the moms and dads doing the complaining make it out to be, or else more people would be wanting to have children.

But one of the things I've recently learned is that potty training is not just a "when the urge comes" endeavor. It's an all-day affair! Let me tell you, it's a day-long string of potty-related chatter, including phrases like, "Do you need to go yet? Is that a potty dance? Do you need help? I'll sit with you!" and "Good job! All right! Big boy! You're so smart!" Then there's the laundry, the carpet and furniture clean-up, the re-assurances, the coaching, the constant hand-washing! That's not even the half of it! There's negotiating, praise, and a backlog of all of the other tasks you've been unable to fulfill without being interrupted by potty-related business. Just try taking a shower without hearing the phrase, "Uh-oh!" somehow through the spray of water! Unlikely. I'd hear it even if it weren't there, I think!

But then on to the other little thing I didn't know, and that is "why I haven't had a good shave in years!"

I don't think I realized this before, but it's not the razor's fault, the shave gel's, the water's, my lotion's, my cleanser's . . . You see, I finally had a good shave about two days ago. And this was a total surprise to me. I don't think I even totally realized how bad my shaves WERE until this day, but then my legs felt completely smooth, no nicks, and just looked great! Well, my legs would look even better if I hadn't already had a couple dozen nicks and bruises from running into furniture all the time, but I digress.

Anyway, so how did I get this wonderful shave? Simple. It'll never happen again, I'm sure. But this ONE shower, my son just happened to avoid opening the curtain and asking me if I was finished showering. He usually does it repeatedly during the shaving portion of my shower, causing a blast of cold air to prickle my skin with goosebumps, and then ruining my shave! If only I had known it was that simple to get a good shave . . . But will I be able to shower after he goes to bed instead? No. I'm usually cleaning house, washing dishes, and then too tired. In the morning before he wakes up? Ha. Forget about it. In the middle of the day, when he's napping? Surely you jest. He never naps! So I guess that'll be my last good shave for a while. Too bad it's rainy, and not even good weather for shorts.

Well, I'd better return to the many chores of the day. I will be back soon for more tales of motherhood and the observations that come from being mentally ill. I mean, who else notices this stuff? Anybody? But then, aren't we all weird in our own ways.

Take care, all!

R

Best Meeting Ever!

So, what was it, you ask? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't ask, but I'll answer anyway as if you did:

It was the paranormal investigation I did here in Fort Worth! Yep, I did it! I wasn't sure if it would be my kind of thing, but to my surprise, it turned out better than I expected.

First, I'll fill you in on my expectations, which were not high. I thought maybe I would have nothing in common with this "type" of person, which I couldn't define, necessarily, but assumed there would be a "type". Then I thought it would be boring. I thought I'd get scared, or find myself shooing spiders the whole time, that the people wouldn't like me, that I would be too sleepy . . . Many expectations, all very low.

The best case scenario turned out to be true. And that is that I liked all of the people, they were all super-super-great, I had fun, I don't think I was scared even ONCE, just nervous about meeting everyone, I didn't even get scared of bugs, even stuck my hand in a spiderweb in the dark without knowing what would be in it . . . I laughed a lot, got along with everyone pretty well (someone called me "cool"!) and got asked to come along on another! So much fun . . . I really loved it. We didn't really have any experiences, although someone in the group did. I wasn't there when it happened, though. I wanted an experience, just to prove to me that some of my past experiences might have been real (and not a result of mental illness). I really need proof. But, I didn't find anything. Just a EMF (electro-magnetic field) that almost pushed me down a flight of steps. A small flight of steps. Oh, well. But it was still worth it.

The next investigation is at the end of the month, and I can't express to you how much I'm looking forward to it. So many different types of people were in this group, and while all seemed different, the best thing about them all was that they didn't care what other people thought of them. I fit right in. They were all great.

Guess I'll try to get some sleep. Potty training has begun this week, and it's an all-consuming task. I really wasn't prepared for this--no wonder I put it off! But I have a smart boy and it's going well, it's just tiring. There just wasn't a good time to do it, so we just started it . . . I'll let you know how it goes!

R