The Bipolar Housewife Experiment

2008-12-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

Just a little breather before another busy day. Things have been pretty crazy here. I'm still trying to find a new tenant for our apartment so we don't have to pay for it while we're renting our new, smaller place. Then we had a leak in our ceiling that literally took hours and hours to fix yesterday. Lots of drywall bits to clean up, and dirty water. I'm not looking forward to that. And I did show our apartment, which I had to clean the place up for. She already told me she wasn't going to rent it, though. She said it's too far from where she'll be working. Oh, well.

So today is mainly composed of chores again. Groceries, laundry, dishes, and maybe some cleanup from the plumbing work yesterday. I'll be exhausted again, I'm sure. I'm waiting for life to stop giving me lemons. Really. There's only so much lemonade I can make.

Oh, time to get my boy ready for school. Guess I need to go, and get this day going. But that's why I haven't blogged so much, and why I've mostly used this place to whine! ;)

Blog ya later,
R

Those. BASTARDS.

2008-11-24T11:10:00.001-08:00

Which bastards, you might ask? The ones at Fox, the ones involved in any way with the show "24". Those are the bastards. They're bastards for making me believe that the new season of 24 had begun, that new episodes were a week away, following the "premiere" of the 24 "movie". But no, I was a fool, mislead--nay, deluded--to believe my regular Jack fix was coming. Not so. New episodes in one week? Two? Three? Okay, maybe December? NO! I have to wait until the middle of friggin' January!

AAAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

But I guess lots of people have been waiting. Now we continue to wait. Ah. If only there was something to keep me occupied in the meantime. Well, there are new episodes of "Storm Chasers" on Discovery channel for a while. That's pretty cool. And new episodes of "Mythbusters." What else? There isn't much TV that we watch while it airs. Most of it we rent on DVD later, like "Deadwood", "Big Love", even "The Office" and "Prison Break." It's just easier to watch TV on our own time. And then we don't have to worry about missing episodes or filling up the DVR.

>>>>>>>>>>>

On another note, E's birthday party went off well, even though I stressed over it like you wouldn't believe. I guess I felt extra pressure since his last birthday ended early when the pizza place was evacuated when the place filled with smoke and the fire department arrived. Not the birthday we planned.

This one was horribly last minute. Really. I went shopping for party supplies about 8:30 pm the night before the party, getting home after 11:00. And I was literally finishing the cake as guests were arriving! E had a sore throat the day before, so we weren't sure if we should cancel. But that would be disappointing, too. So we went full steam ahead and had a party. He had missed some earlier parties, too, so he really wanted to have his. About 7 or 8 kids showed up, and my friend G and her husband. It was fun, even though it didn't go as planned. The games and bowling we planned went by the wayside as kids swarmed my son's bedroom and played with my husband. Parents started by watching their kids carefully, but then settled on the sofa for conversation. It ended up being more of a playdate with cake, but it was low-stress for everyone. And E had a good time. And a lot of the kids left quite reluctantly, so I guess they had fun, too. And parents got some time off, thanks to my husband. He probably expected to be relieved by me at one point, but I wasn't walking into that tornado. He was great, though, and the kids liked playing with him. He's really good with kids, in spite of having no real father for a role model. I love him so much.

Stuff is still going wrong. One new thing after another. Our ceiling is now dripping water from something upstairs in the master bath, we still haven't rented our place, and we really don't want to have to move to a smaller apartment. It just makes it harder. We have a new place ready to go, still nice, but smaller. Not quite as nice as this place, but new and close to E's school. No more rooftop patio and views of the mountains. I'll miss that. Small kitchen. Only 2 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. Still, we need to save the money, and we really need to find new tenants for this place we can no longer afford. Hubby C might have renegged his pay, so hopefully there won't be such a strain to afford health insurance. We'll see what they say.

I hate stressing over money, especially at the holidays. It's really depressing. But we're going to do our best to make it fun for E anyway, even though he misses Texas a lot. He probably misses the financial security we had there. And we owned a home. I hated being in the middle of nowhere with nothing but scrubby dead-looking grass around. No trees. Just sick cattle and tornadoes. Bleh. I speak of north Texas, of course, and not south and central Texas, which I love.

OK, I guess I'll head off to get some work done. As soon as I get some new batteries for my camera I can post birthday pics of E! You know how I love my boy!

Cheers,
R

Long time, no see . . .

2008-11-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

OK, I admit it. I'm a bad blogger. Bad bad bad. But life has been particularly consuming lately, especially in the past month or so. Yeah, I've been suffering through the depression thing, but what's new, really? That part never changes, probably never will. It's okay, I guess, I'll just keep working on it, it's all I can do. But what's particularly different is everything else.

I mentioned the move from Texas to the Los Angeles area, mentioned that I was still feeling blah in spite of new treatment options. The medications are still being tinkered with. Overall, I think I like living here, although there are things I hate. I think living in Burbank has helped that a bit, since people here seem more family-friendly and less shallow. I prefer that, honestly. Some people might even say it's more BORING in Burbank, but I don't care. I'm not a "night life" person anyway. I just shop, go out to eat, take my son to the park, that kind of thing.

The worst happenings lately have been that E got ill, seriously ill. He had the incredulous diagnosis of "scarlet fever"! I kid you not. I was shocked, even doubtful. But after reading about it, it makes sense. His fever just wouldn't go away, and he did have the redness I've read about. He got better, but it took 2 weeks for him to return to school. The sore throat was the part that lasted longest. Then the DAY he gets the diagnosis, my husband comes home with bad news.

C: I had an interesting day, too.
BH: Oh, really? What happened?
(no pause)
C: I got laid off today.
BH: That's not funny. You'd better be kidding.
C: I wish I was kidding.

So the drama continued. Now we can't afford our apartment, time to move to a smaller, cheaper place. Cutting back on expenses. Still trying to figure out how to pay for health insurance. No more plans to visit family in Texas for the holidays.

I am more angry than anything, that C's boss would relocate us out here, then give him almost no notice (4 days?) to find a new job. I mean, we thought we did the right thing. C turned down a job with much higher pay to take a "permanent" staff position with benefits. We thought we were doing the right thing, as a family with a young child, by picking the job that seemed the most stable. How could we have been so wrong? I mean, DID we do something wrong? Blame it on the economy, but we still wanted to keep ourselves out of this situation as much as possible. We tried to be smart. We tried . . .

Eh, I'm tired of thinking about it. Now I have to plan my son's birthday party, which will be nothing like the (still small-scale, but) bigger party we promised him. And we're frantically trying to find tenants to take over our lease so we can move, much as we don't want to. C's looking for work, I'm hoping to find a job, somehow. It won't be fun working on weekends, not seeing my husband. My parents got divorced that way. Don't know what else to do, though. We just have to survive now.

If you haven't just been brought down big time by this post, save yourself and find another blog quickly, one with lots of pretty pictures and maybe some baby bunnies. Hopefully we'll be doing okay, the new place won't smell like dead raccoons or have remnants of police-line tape stuck to the door. Good luck to all of us.

R

New Start . . .

2008-08-14T17:28:00.002-07:00

New city, new state . . . Same blah!

There are things about Los Angeles that are better than Texas, and things that are worse. I like being closer to the beach, having lots of things to do, and the weather (mostly--I'd love some rain once in a while). But the people are different, not as open. They always seem angry, like they never get what they want. A bunch of spoiled children with an entitlement complex. I've never seen a city so fascinated with itself so much, either. I think most Angelenos expect outsiders to know where all of the neighborhoods are, know things about certain places, etc. Like we all pay as much attention as they do. And the namedropping! That has always been a pet peeve of mine, too. Like who you know makes you more interesting somehow? Sorry, if you're a bore, you're still a bore even if you know so-and-so. I hear it all the time, even from people I would normally consider "grounded." Pet peeve.

There is a degree of shallowness that I see as well. People will be friends as long as the friendship is useful to them or furthers their careers or helps them get a good deal on this or that. If that ends, or if it's not there, they have no interest in you. It's not 100% true of this place, but I see it a lot here. A lot! It's pretty here, but I'm not sure it's enough to justify one of the highest costs-of-living in the country. Health insurance is HORRIBLE, horrible, horrible. We pay something like 3 times as much as we used to pay on insurance, and get considerably less for our money. No maternity care, high copays, little to no preventative care, deductibles? We never had to deal with those things before.

This next pay period isn't going to go easy on us, either. A blood test for me, and yet another $40 to that quack of a doctor I'm seeing--last time, I guarantee it, then E's back to school supplies and maybe uniforms (I'll know Monday), and my husband's birthday . . . I'd like to get a hair cut, too, but I don't see how we could afford it yet. It seems strange complaining about not having enough money, since it seemed so much like we would be doing better. I don't think we took into account that our medical costs would be quite THAT much higher. We were unprepared, completely. And I've NEVER spent $200 on groceries before moving here--that's just insane! We knew it would be expensive, and on paper it looked like we would be doing okay. But in practice, we are always short on something. C had to get his car registered to get a new inspection sticker or registration tag or something, so that was . . . What did he say? $150? We were thinking it would be closer to $100. Then even if you budget THAT in, it doesn't count the smog test he has to get done, the new drivers license, and all the little California requirements we never even thought of in Texas. I think I thought we would be doing better than this. I really did. To make it worth it for all of us, and not just for C. I know he's excited about the prospect of working for some high-profile companies, even Dreamworks or Pixar, if he could. But to be struggling here, still? I mean, struggling is an overly dramatic word, but I hate seeing all of C's pay being eaten up by bills and expenses. I used to be able to afford an occasional haircut anyway, and we owned a home before . . .

I guess it's all subjective. Maybe I'm feeling some malaise here today, since my mother-in-law told me she would use some of her air miles to buy my sister a ticket to come and visit. I'm thrilled, but then she comes out and says she'll try to get the reservation around the beginning of September . . . My sister wanted to come on September 26! Isn't that a little late to be trying to book an award flight? They only reserve so many seats on a flight that can be used for award miles. So I'm kind of worried about it. C was talking about BUYING the ticket himself (somehow), instead, since he knows how she gets my hopes up and then drags her feet. She's done this so many times before, and gotten E's hopes up . . . She kept telling him she was going to take him to the circus for a month before they showed up, then all week while they played in town, and then they left. No circus. Poor E. I know she means to do it when she tells him, but that's what my dad did to me when I was younger. It broke my heart EVERY time, because I kept thinking THIS time he means it, this time he'll follow through, but . . . He never meant to be mean. He told me once that he said those things because it made me so happy at the time, he just didn't think about the huge crushing disappointment afterward, I guess. My dad's reasoning skills are very "off", though, I'm well aware. But I see a pattern with my mother-in-law. It's so familiar. I think she wants to tell me she'll get the ticket, that she'll generously use her miles (which, by the way, are the only way we ever get gifts from them--things they didn't pay for) then she'll try to book, and the flight will be sold out. So I'll see that she meant to do it, but that it just didn't happen. Oh, well, and I'll forgive her because it wasn't her fault the flight was sold out, and then she'll get to keep her miles.

I'm probably being cynical. Probably, how about "likely." But I feel frustrated and distant from any place I feel comfortable. I feel like my life is completely out of my control, like it's INCAPABLE of being in my control, with the situation we're in. I don't want to stay here in this city. I don't want to leave just yet, but I don't want to feel like we're stuck here. If he gets a job at Pixar or something, we definitely wouldn't be able to leave, and it would be so great for him, an opportunity I couldn't ask him to give up (unless I want to be the most ungrateful hateful bitch of a wife who has ever walked the earth), but that would be completely setting the tone for our life for the next several years.

Ah, here I am, worrying about stuff that hasn't even happened yet, stuff that isn't even on the table, so to speak. I worry a lot here. More than I used to. Maybe this Depakote is total shit. Last chance for this doctor. He's an idiot. There's another whole post!

That's it, I guess. Another rant, like I've been doing a lot lately, even if not on this blog. The earthquake is another whole story as well, I'll try to post about it. But I will recover. I always do, even if sometimes it takes a while. I have so many reasons to pick up the pieces now, and so many people depending on me. I think my dad crumbled under that responsibility, but I promise myself that won't be me. That just won't be me. I want to look back and see how strong I was, not how I wish I had done things differently.

Trying to get out of this anxiety and depression is a first step, and it's fresh and new again after moving. It's almost like starting over, except I know how it's done, now. I know when I'm not working hard enough.

Thanks for reading,
R

On my mind . . .

2008-03-30T20:50:00.002-07:00

Pretty much, the major item weighing on my mind is just how much I really HATE living in Fort Worth! That, and I've had some issues with my wrist, something resembling carpal tunnel, although I admit I've had no confirmed diagnosis. Therefore I haven't been typing much. I probably shouldn't be doing it now, but guilt over my lack of blogging has gotten the better of me.

So what's so terrible about Fort Worth? Maybe nothing, really. I guess it just doesn't feel like home, and I feel like a fish out of water. It's ultra-conservative, rural, and overwhelmingly centered on white American culture. If that makes you feel at home, this might be a place for you. But it isn't for me. I prefer a more multicultural feel, and more artistic and outdoor activities. Maybe more freedom of thought . . . Just a lot of things, I suppose.

We did have a good time in San Antonio on our last trip. We went downtown to Market Square and El Mercado, had a blast shopping and sightseeing, then we went to Mi Tierra for lunch and pastries. Then we went to the Riverwalk, hiked up and down both sides, took a river cruise and tour, saw the sun set, and watched San Antonio light up for the evening. It was great. Ethan had a great time, too. He got a tiny guitar (not plastic or a toy) and a tambourine, and I got some silver and turquoise jewelry made by hand in Peru. Fun.

I saw my dad on Saturday, shopped at La Cantera and let Ethan play, and we bought him his first Build-a-Bear Workshop toy, a cat with a Spurs jersey. It's really adorable, and he treated it like a friend all night. Just precious! La Cantera at night is really beautiful as well, and we enjoyed just talking and window-shopping. I will remember that for a long time. How I will miss Saturdays with my dad. I can't wait for him to visit.

Ethan didn't want to leave, and that made it hard for me. But we needed to leave since we have business here in Fort Worth, and I had some Ebay auctions ending. C'est la vie. :(

The drive was easy and uneventful. I have two signs that are favorites of mine. The first is a billboard that asks, in large type:

Got Dirty Birds?

Then says:

We have birdbaths!

The other is a street sign for a road called "Bugtussle". I just love trying to picture that! It cracks me up! Bugtussle. Yeah.

OK, that's about it. I'd better protect my wrists.

Nighty-night!
R

Wazzup?!

2008-03-18T15:34:00.003-07:00

Hey, peeps, out there in the world somewhere . . .

I've been gone for some time now, mostly because I really felt confused over what I could safely write about. Allow me to explain, as briefly as I can. My husband works in television, and although there are dozens of stations around the country and my blog is so seldom read, the community is actually very small. It wouldn't take much for someone to put pieces together and determine his identity. So, when the biggest news in my life has to do with clandestine job interviews, a possible interstate move, secret freelance work for competing networks, there isn't much I can blog about. I could easily get him in trouble at work, sabotage his work relationships, and other consequences I haven't even considered. While I think the risk is small, my husband isn't comfortable with my big mouth and the internet, and when his job and our livelihood are at stake, I suppose I can understand that.

So, as life became more stressful, I became more and more withdrawn. With my family hundreds of miles away in San Antonio, there weren't people I could easily confide in. That's where my blog would fill in the gap, or the playgroups my son and I have joined, but since I couldn't blog and I felt like an alien among the moms in the playgroups here, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. No one could help. So I went to therapy. My medications were tinkered with. But to no avail. I've just been bummed and stressed. 'Nuff said.

The biggest news of all is that I will finally be getting out of this place, this tiny backwater of a town, this ultra-Conservative haven, this boring contradiction to the word "wonderland" I call Fort Worth-less. I really haven't liked it here. I do NOT like living in Fort Worth. True, you can live well here on less income. But when all there is to do here is eat mediocre food at mediocre restaurants, go to bars and listen to country & western music, and possibly attend a NASCAR event, I get BORED! Yes, BORED with all capital letters! I visited my family after my husband left, and slept happily (if awkwardly) on the floor of my mom's tiny apartment in San Antonio, ate great food, tried new things, and introduced my son to some of the fun places in the town where I grew up.

So, where are we moving? It seems strange to me in some ways, and not in others. Since he's in television, my husband got a job in Los Angeles! I'm excited to be leaving Fort Worth, but nervous about the impending culture-shock of moving to California. There are mostly stereotypes I'm worried about, which I know a person can't and shouldn't rely on. But the snobbiness, the self-importance of Angelenos, the flakiness, the smog, the congestion and traffic, the rudeness . . . Those are the things I am nervous about. I don't normally fit in among materialistic or conceited people. I hope it's only a stereotype and not a truth. We'll see, I suppose. So neither I nor those in my family are thrilled over Los Angeles as our future home, but it has seemed inevitable for some time now. In television, you end up in Los Angeles or New York eventually, if you want to reach higher points in your career. You can find exceptions to that rule, but not often.

It's strange, but visiting there a long time ago, in my early 20s, I didn't really like it much. I was only there for a short time. But driving was frightening, people were rude, and it seemed dirty. I didn't like it. But I remember saying to my sister that I thought I would end up coming back there someday. Who knows? Maybe I foresaw this part of my life. It's weird that I would have a premonition like that about I place I didn't even enjoy vacationing, but I did.

My hubby C is already there, been working for about a month now. Our house now has an offer on it and we're looking for apartments or houses we can rent reasonably for all three of us and our little dog. Hopefully we'll be together by the middle of April. In the meantime, I'm wearing a path in the asphalt between here and San Antonio, taking care of my son more like a single mom, and gaining weight on my newly discovered love of gelato, and hibernating in my home dry from all of the wet weather, putting minutes on my stupid pay-as-you-go phone . . . But hopefully it's all for a good cause, a better future for our family, better pay even with the higher cost of living, and opportunities galore. Maybe I'll finally get an iPhone! :)

Well, I'll have to post more later. I've typed a novel already. Should anyone know to read this, I'll write more about it later. Should be interesting to see how a Texan makes it in the urban jungle of Los Angeles. Culture shock. Yeah.

Take care, all, and I'll blog ya later!
R

Happy Birthday, E!

2007-11-18T19:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, today is the birthday of my wonderful Mister E! He is 4 years old today!

What a big boy you are, my sweet E! You can do so many things by yourself that I sometimes feel like you don't need me anymore. Then you give me a hug, tell me you love me, and I know you do. You make me feel like a very lucky mom!

Today you had a great birthday, and I will post some photos of our adventure here soon. It was an . . . interesting birthday! I don't think many kids had one like it! I can post more here tomorrow. But you really seemed happy today, proud of being such a big boy, and you sounded so surprised when I told you that you were 4 and not 3 anymore . . . You said, "I'm going to be 4 all the time?" Yes, until your next birthday, I told you! Then you had a big smile on your face . . .

Guess I'd better get some sleep. We still have more plans for tomorrow, and I'm exhausted after this day. Try to get some sleep, my big boy, and we'll have some more fun when the sun comes out!

Love,
Mommy

Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!

2007-11-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

Guess what? I am sooooo excited to announce that I have just purchased (and safely brought home) my first CRANBERRY BLISS BAR of the season!!!!!! Yeah! Woohoo! Non-Starbucks people won't get it, but try one, and you will . . . They are awesome indeed, and addictive. Only here for a short time, too short to say the least. So get 'em while you can, as long as you don't buy them from MY local Starbucks--I plan to buy and enjoy all I can until they are gone!

Well, gotta go, I want to savor the taste. Here I go, to cranberry bliss . . .

:)

R

Antidote to computer withdrawal?

2007-11-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

Anyone? Because I had the worst case of computer withdrawal this week!

This machine got some kind of virus that completely killed it, and left me computer-less. Then after re-formatting the drive, it came back! That took so much time and effort, just to get to that point, that I was utterly devastated. My husband, resident computer whiz, managed to do something that I couldn't do, and resuscitated the computer back to life, so now it's in the computer equivalent of physical therapy, learning to walk again.

Personally, I'd love to just throw this thing out the window! Well, maybe off the roof, since I have a single story house and there are bushes and shrubs outside . . . But you get the idea! For one thing, this machine became part of our family in 2003, and the software is now horribly out of date. I've spent most of my time downloading updates and re-installing software. I'm frustrated and fed up! Also, hubby got a new computer (for freelancing) and now I want one! Talk about computer envy, he got to purchase some new fancy top-of-the-line laptop. Now, of course, we can't afford mine. So I have to wait. And then I get a tiny budget once the purchase is finally allowed. I probably have a little bit of resentment about that. I mean, I know his computer is for work-related things, but this computer is for MY work, know what I mean? I do scheduling on here, print coupons, research in medical data and parenting, find recipes, support from other moms, locate meetings and groups I can join, and, most importantly to me, graphic design work. Like I said about the annoying banner at the top of the screen, it's been a big part of what I've been doing lately. I've put a LOT of myself into those designs, time and thought and anxiety . . . It may not look like much, but for me . . . Especially since my creative brain parts are effectively crippled by my medications. Tasks like this are increasingly difficult. And I've been artistic my entire life, so bringing those skills back has been a major focus of my energies in the last few months. And then I hope to see that other people like them, and purchase them, so I can make some kind of meager living at it. Try to tell myself that I could take care of E somehow if something ever happened to C.

I know, I ramble. I guess I should go, and try to get that nice, quiet, uninterrupted shower I've been daydreaming about. E is at the grandparents' house right now with C, so I should take advantage of that!

Take care,
R

Answers and Awards

2007-10-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

I think I found out what my recurring dream had been referring to lately, and that is my health. I had been putting off dealing with my medication refills due to an upcoming appointment since my insurance company makes me mailorder 3 months worth of prescriptions at a time. I didn't need that much, so I waited to see if my doctor was going to change it, so then I'd be able to fill it at my local pharmacy and I wouldn't have to go through the hassle of the mailorder process. But he wanted to refer me to another physician, so then I ran out of my medications before the referral appointment. Fortunately, my doctor agreed to write prescriptions for reduced dosages so that they would be different enough for the insurance company to pay for a local pharmacy prescription, which is fine since I had been taking reduced doses anyway (I had a problem with tremors in my hands on the full dose, especially since I lost weight since the medications were last checked). But the new appointment is soon, and it will all get straightened out and stabilized. So, a toast to that . . .

Then, we have the Lone Star Chapter of the Emmy awards announced this evening at a ceremony in Dallas. My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend and see how well he fared. He was nominated in three categories. And . . .

Da da da Daaaaaah . . .

He won two out of three! :) Yea! Woohoo! Congratulations to my honey! Now we have to make some room on our modest award shelf. That makes a grand total of 3 awards over the last 2 years, so I am very proud of him. He's always making great graphics and animations, and I know he will make more great stuff in the future. He deserves some awards for all that he does, how much time he spends working on an idea, obsessing over them sometimes, and continuing to learn new techniques in very complicated computer programs . . . I'm lucky to manage a little bit of Photoshop! I'm proud of him, and in admiration of him. Congratulations!

So, now it's time to get to bed. Whew! It's late. And I need to get this makeup off my face.

Nighty-night!

R

Recurring dream . . .

2007-10-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Crowded House songs, but also an affliction I've been dealing with for quite some time. There have been many over my lifetime, depending on what I've been experiencing at the time, but this one is one I haven't had for a while, and now I am officially confused.

I've had this dream where I walk into a room and see caged birds, usually parakeets, that are sadly undernourished. I realize, with horror, that these are MY parakeets and that I haven't cleaned their cages, fed or watered them in quite some time! Sometimes I find a sack or box of seed and just dump fresh food onto the old empty hulls filling their bowls, sometimes I fill the water dish that is dirty with clouds of debris and feathers. Sometimes I do both; sometimes I'm in a rush and tell myself I will hurry back, that it's an emergency. These birds have been forgotten, and, worse still, I have forgotten how long they have been forgotten! I'm distraught, guilty, sad, scared they will die and it will have been my fault . . .

Almost always in the past when I've had this dream, it's due to a neglect I've been feeling. I used to dream this when I realized I hadn't been paying enough attention to my dear rabbit. But, since she passed last December, I don't know how to explain the dream. Is it about my dog? I feel like I've been taking time out for him. Is it me? I don't know. It can't be E, he's been a huge focus lately since we've been potty training. So now I can't tell why I had this dream. It's really bugging me, a nagging feeling that there is something I need to address, help, care for . . . something. It might even be akin to a dire emergency, like the parakeets that may have been starved close to death. And there's guilt, too, for something I don't know I'm neglecting. What is it?

OK to Blog?

2007-10-16T23:51:00.001-07:00

Using the term "blog" as a verb here . . .

So when is it okay to blog about your life when it involves someone else? That's the question on my mind at the moment. There seems to be a line that must be invisible, because I swear I can't see it sometimes.

For example, I'm sure it's okay to blog about my grandmother, if she falls down and breaks her wrist, as she actually did last week. It's one of those things that happens, maybe that person is upset but not embarrassed about it, and it is an event or happening that is on my mind. I worry about her, worry how her surgery went, how she'll heal, how she's handling the anxiety afterward. It doesn't seem to be something in the "gray" area, although I'm sure if I really thought about it, there would be some reasons not to mention it.

What if I'm worried about someone? What if those worries keep me up at night, make me feel depressed and helpless, but involve things that other person may not want to make public? Even if I don't say who it is I'm worried about, that person might feel uncomfortable or even feel betrayed that I discussed them on the internet. I'm guessing that situation is just one I have to bear, since that really isn't fair to someone to discuss their personal business, even if it's an all-consuming anxiety-fest for me.

But here's what I see is a gray area I'm not to clear about. What if, for example, I've done something that affects someone else, but the other person might be embarrassed? What if they've done something to me, but wouldn't want it discussed? What if something someone else does affects my own life, but is really their own business? When are those topics mine to discuss, or off-limits?

I can use the example of my son. I know this is a motherhood blog, in part, and there will be times when I blog about him. But I know I have to protect his privacy as well as his safety, as a parent, and to think about his future. My own mother never had to worry about the details of my life floating about in cyberspace to come back and haunt me in my adulthood. But this is a new century and a new era of technology and communication. How can I bond a public life with a private one? How am I supposed to know when it's acceptable to discuss potty training, for example, a subject that might help other moms out there who might be reading this, and when it's really something I ought to keep to myself? Would my son want me to write about this? Probably not. Should I? Could I? Would I? I don't know. If it might help someone else, maybe it should be all right. But am I wrong?

Of course, my therapist has a way of putting things that simplifies my life to a nutshell at times. Bookended by numerous "qualifying" statements, he said, "You tend to think too much." I think he's right, no pun intended! Then I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out when it's okay to think to much, and when it's not . . .

R

Little things I didn't know . . .

2007-10-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

The things that people who do NOT have kids don't realize about those of us who do . . .

Well, I was one of those people without children not too long ago, and I think I really had no clue. I think parents (especially moms) have a way of complaining to their non-parent friends, telling them how HARD it is to have a child, how much work it is, etc--so much so that non-parents tune it OUT--just to make sure that the work they do is appreciated and valued. But it's not something that you can just TELL someone to appreciate or value. And, truth is, it's also a lot more fun than the moms and dads doing the complaining make it out to be, or else more people would be wanting to have children.

But one of the things I've recently learned is that potty training is not just a "when the urge comes" endeavor. It's an all-day affair! Let me tell you, it's a day-long string of potty-related chatter, including phrases like, "Do you need to go yet? Is that a potty dance? Do you need help? I'll sit with you!" and "Good job! All right! Big boy! You're so smart!" Then there's the laundry, the carpet and furniture clean-up, the re-assurances, the coaching, the constant hand-washing! That's not even the half of it! There's negotiating, praise, and a backlog of all of the other tasks you've been unable to fulfill without being interrupted by potty-related business. Just try taking a shower without hearing the phrase, "Uh-oh!" somehow through the spray of water! Unlikely. I'd hear it even if it weren't there, I think!

But then on to the other little thing I didn't know, and that is "why I haven't had a good shave in years!"

I don't think I realized this before, but it's not the razor's fault, the shave gel's, the water's, my lotion's, my cleanser's . . . You see, I finally had a good shave about two days ago. And this was a total surprise to me. I don't think I even totally realized how bad my shaves WERE until this day, but then my legs felt completely smooth, no nicks, and just looked great! Well, my legs would look even better if I hadn't already had a couple dozen nicks and bruises from running into furniture all the time, but I digress.

Anyway, so how did I get this wonderful shave? Simple. It'll never happen again, I'm sure. But this ONE shower, my son just happened to avoid opening the curtain and asking me if I was finished showering. He usually does it repeatedly during the shaving portion of my shower, causing a blast of cold air to prickle my skin with goosebumps, and then ruining my shave! If only I had known it was that simple to get a good shave . . . But will I be able to shower after he goes to bed instead? No. I'm usually cleaning house, washing dishes, and then too tired. In the morning before he wakes up? Ha. Forget about it. In the middle of the day, when he's napping? Surely you jest. He never naps! So I guess that'll be my last good shave for a while. Too bad it's rainy, and not even good weather for shorts.

Well, I'd better return to the many chores of the day. I will be back soon for more tales of motherhood and the observations that come from being mentally ill. I mean, who else notices this stuff? Anybody? But then, aren't we all weird in our own ways.

Take care, all!

R

Best Meeting Ever!

2007-10-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, what was it, you ask? Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't ask, but I'll answer anyway as if you did:

It was the paranormal investigation I did here in Fort Worth! Yep, I did it! I wasn't sure if it would be my kind of thing, but to my surprise, it turned out better than I expected.

First, I'll fill you in on my expectations, which were not high. I thought maybe I would have nothing in common with this "type" of person, which I couldn't define, necessarily, but assumed there would be a "type". Then I thought it would be boring. I thought I'd get scared, or find myself shooing spiders the whole time, that the people wouldn't like me, that I would be too sleepy . . . Many expectations, all very low.

The best case scenario turned out to be true. And that is that I liked all of the people, they were all super-super-great, I had fun, I don't think I was scared even ONCE, just nervous about meeting everyone, I didn't even get scared of bugs, even stuck my hand in a spiderweb in the dark without knowing what would be in it . . . I laughed a lot, got along with everyone pretty well (someone called me "cool"!) and got asked to come along on another! So much fun . . . I really loved it. We didn't really have any experiences, although someone in the group did. I wasn't there when it happened, though. I wanted an experience, just to prove to me that some of my past experiences might have been real (and not a result of mental illness). I really need proof. But, I didn't find anything. Just a EMF (electro-magnetic field) that almost pushed me down a flight of steps. A small flight of steps. Oh, well. But it was still worth it.

The next investigation is at the end of the month, and I can't express to you how much I'm looking forward to it. So many different types of people were in this group, and while all seemed different, the best thing about them all was that they didn't care what other people thought of them. I fit right in. They were all great.

Guess I'll try to get some sleep. Potty training has begun this week, and it's an all-consuming task. I really wasn't prepared for this--no wonder I put it off! But I have a smart boy and it's going well, it's just tiring. There just wasn't a good time to do it, so we just started it . . . I'll let you know how it goes!

R

Recounting . . .

2007-10-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

As in "telling a tale of past events," and not "counting again".

So, what might I want to recount to you? Lots, in fact, but I'll stick to one event tonight. I'll tell you a bit about a site I've discovered that has helped me to make friends in this city, especially friends with similar interests.

If you've never heard of it, and I hadn't heard of it before but stumbled upon it by accident, it's called Meetup. You can find it at www.meetup.com and look up dozens and even hundreds or thousands of groups of ordinary people meeting in your local area every week. Just about any interest you can think of is covered, and if there isn't a group yet, you can sign up to hear about one when it starts, or start one for yourself. It's free to sign up, but some groups have dues or event fees and starting a "meetup" yourself has monthly cost just for the use of the site. The site has tons of tools to help you find what you're looking for, including safety precautions to take if you feel the need, as in setting up a play group or anything with children or teens. You can remain anonymous until you choose to have your information revealed to someone, or just connect with people in your groups through the site. It's easy to join and find lots of fun and interesting events going on all the time.

I found some mom's groups around here, but there are other groups that appeal to me. A bipolar group, some depression meetups (those are unfortunately meeting too far away from me), book clubs, political groups, religious and atheist meetups, meetups for dogs, meetups for coffee, for food, for hiking, poker, dating, networking, drawing and crafting, languages, and lots lots lots more. Those are just the ones that come immediately to mind.

The moms groups have been nice. I like most of the moms, even though I don't have as much in common with them as I'd like. The best group I came across is the one I was most skeptical about, and I will have to tell you about it.

But, I will save that for next time! Hah! A little bit of tension-building! Did it work? Or you just don't care. Oh, well. I tried. But, really, you should come back and read about it. It's definitely not what you're thinking. I doubt it anyway. So come back and read about it. It was definitely interesting!

Take care!
R

Hello again . . .

2007-10-10T03:01:00.000-07:00

Remember me? Probably not. It's been a long time. Looooooonnngggg time. I'm sure anyone who might have read my blog before has long since stopped reading this. Sorry. Really sorry. But at the same time, this thingie here just ceased to be a priority.

So what's been going on? Lots. I've met new people, been doing new things, been creating artwork again, trying to connect with my family, and going to therapy. There have been some stressful periods of late, mostly concerning possible career moves for my husband, but so far, none have panned out. Can't talk about it much on here, since he is uncomfortable with that. It's okay. No biggie.

I have successfully become a Weight Watchers lifetime member--that's good news! Very good news, in fact. It means I can attend meetings for free now, and that I've been maintaining my weight successfully now. I'm thinking it also means I should get a new tattoo, but they aren't normally FREE, so I will wait on that.

If you've noticed the annoying graphics here on this site, you'll also notice my work on Zazzle and Cafe Press. I hope anyone would appreciate the hours and hours and many sleepless nights put into these projects, lots of self-punishing pressure applied, and lots of stress . . . I've been working hard on these projects, and re-learning a lot about making artwork again. It's been like learning to walk again--the medications for depression and bipolar disorder really threw me for a loop when it came to creativity. I couldn't make art anymore. COULDN'T!! I didn't think it were possible, but put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of me, and I truly had no clue what to do. I could start to draw ANYWAY, and end up with . . . Well, either NOTHING or some shaky pointless scribbles that no one would be interested in seeing. It was frustrating, scary, confusing . . . And much more. It was not a good time for me. But I've been practicing making art again, and getting better at using my computer software, and getting better at seeing things creatively again. It's taken me a few solid months of work to get where I am now, so I hope it is understood why I haven't been here too often.

Also, I've been in therapy. This was an outlet at one point, now I don't seem to need it as much. And it felt for a while like I was getting no where with this, like no one cared what I wrote, that I couldn't make a difference. I guess I still feel that way a little bit, but that's not the ONLY reason for keeping this blog, so I hope to return more regularly. I will still be working hard on my artwork and there are transitions going on throughout the family that may distract me, but I will try.

I want to write a bit about what I've been up to, some of the people I've met and such, but I really need to get to bed. We are getting a bit tougher on the potty training thing--my son is almost four and not interested in even TRYING to use the potty--so we are going to have to try to be a bit tougher. I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on me. I mean, I've never done this whole potty training thing before! But what I've been doing hasn't been working, so it's time to switch tactics! Let's hope this works! I'd hate for him to go to his birthday celebration in diapers or training pants, but it's looking that way so far! I have just over a month to try.

Okay, time to try the sleep thing again. I've had so much on my mind, and my tummy isn't happy. It might be a kind of PMS, or my IBS acting up. Not sure. I just feel crampy. But, I digress.

'Night.
R

Store #2--Floral photographs, prints, gifts

2007-07-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

Store #1--floral and animal drawings and more

2007-07-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

2007-07-01T22:54:00.001-07:00

2007-07-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

Probably not blogging . . .

2007-07-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there wondering where I've been, I apologize for my long absence. I have been depressed again, this time not so mildly. It's one of those things where I dwell on everything, especially how disappointed I am in humanity at the moment. I don't know any other way to put it. I hate people right now. They disappoint me, disgust me, bore me . . .

Terrorists suck--seems like a no-brainer that terrorism is bad, but if the terrorists don't think they are terrorists, where does that leave us? And then, for that matter, their justifications for terrorism are "self-defense" and things like that. Yeah, maybe so, but what else have you tried on such a global scale to get your message across? Because bombing and killing people just doesn't make sense to the people you're trying to change. We see you as raving lunatics who can't be reasoned with, so more people end up dying on both sides! It's a lose-lose situation. It depresses me.

Then there's China. Oh, China, China, China . . . How disappointed I am with you at the moment. First, it's slaughtering puppies and kittens for fur coats sold as faux fur, then the pet food poisoning, the toothpaste recall . . . I could go on. Recently, defective tires can put people's lives at risk. Do the right thing here! Can we trust imports from this country anymore? If food is being poisoned and consumers are being defrauded, doesn't that mean we shouldn't be buying your products? And why are there so many people out there trying to make money above all else, without thinking of the human cost? Why? And why doesn't anyone else think it's so horrible to be slaughtering puppies, people's pets, and then lying about it? Why isn't there more of an uproar over this? I don't understand it.

Politics has been depressing me, the weather here, feeling bored and unfulfilled . . . I'm getting ready to see a professional, believe me. Don't go there in the comments. I'm already taking care of it. But I'm just so mad I can hardly sleep. And I miss having friends around and having things to do. I am seriously bummed.

So what have I been up to? Not much. Lost more weight, opened a couple of Cafe Press stores, worked on some artwork, planted some tomato and strawberry seeds. That's about it. And I've been sulking and feeling sorry for myself. That's not very interesting, either! Guess I need to find a new hobby!

Well, I'll post the links to my stores shortly, just don't want to tack them on the end of a depressing rant. Hope you understand.

Take care,
R

New Pet Peeve

2007-05-20T10:03:00.001-07:00

Now, this is one of the worst things about the automotive industry right now:

So, then it must make sense that we have alternative fuels, right? That must be my new pet peeve.

Well, no, as a matter of fact. My new pet peeve goes to the automotive industry and automobile manufacturers.

What are the new solutions we're given for higher gas prices? Hybrids. Yeah, they still need gas, but it's less. Whoop de doo! Isn't it still just a half-measure, after all? Isn't it? Let's really think about it. It's just because they are afraid to fully commit to something new that they come up with a semi-solution like this. And let me point out that I think electric cars will be the way of the future, and I'll explain why in a moment. So why just make a hybrid? And they resist the idea of a plug-in hybrid because they don't want to be associate with making electric vehicles. Somehow that is a "bad word" in the automotive industry.

So why do cars still run on gas anyway? The internal combustion engine is the only kind of engine that ever really took off for consumers, and there have been relatively few changes since then. Maybe there have been some innovations with fuel efficiency, but mostly only due to lawmakers demands. Otherwise, very little has changed over the many decades that cars have been built. And isn't it archaic to have to stop and refuel a car? Did any of us imagine that the future would have us stopping to refuel so often in order to get around? Shouldn't it make it's own fuel, draw it from the atmosphere, or otherwise make itself go? Now, that would be futuristic!

I think electric-drive vehicles will be the future, mostly because they have the potential to be just that--futuristic! Sure, right now we'd have to plug them in, but someday we could use solar power or some other stored energy. We can always improve the battery and the efficiency of the mileage per charge. Newer batteries hold a charge longer, are safer, cheaper, and can start in lower temperatures than ever. One of the arguments against electric cars is that hydrogen power is more efficient. I would argue that we would still have to stop and refuel (don't want to do that) and they don't start in freezing temperatures. What's the difference if you have to plug in a car vs. refueling? It can be done overnight or when you're already going to be stopped, instead of during your trip. Also, we can improve a battery. It's not like we can improve hydrogen. Maybe that's very oversimplified, but that's the way I see it.

We might even be driving electric vehicles more advanced than we could have imagined, if only automakers had committed to the idea early on. And now the American automakers are falling far behind. Someone is going to build these things, and if it isn't the Americans, someone else is going to do it.

Chevy is about to produce the Volt, a car that is still basically a plug-in hybrid. The versatility is appealing, and I think it's an improvement. It's a nice-looking car, too. But if anything happens to this model, consumers will have flashbacks to the EV-1 controversy all over again (see: Who Killed the Electric Car?) and I doubt the trust could return. The best hope might be for the Zap! crossover called the Zap-X. It's supposed to be affordable, and a true electric vehicle. Sexy-looking thing, too! Or maybe the practical Phoenix motorcar consumer vehicles to be produced soon, especially since they have an affordable price tag ($50,000 or less?) and they have been built for a few years now as fleet vehicles. The experience is there, the product, and the innovation. The batteries are being mass-produced now, too, which has potential to lower the cost to consumers. Looks good all-around for the electric vehicle.

So, is that it? My problem is that automakers aren't producing electric cars? No, not exactly. My problem is that when they do produce them, they are either expensive toys, like the Venturi Fetish or the Tesla Roadster (both of which top $100,000 easily), or they are ridiculous-looking contraptions that no one would want to be seen in, that only work in very specific driving situations like neighborhood driving. Please, automakers, give up the idea of the Neighborhood Electric Vehicle! Give it up! It looks stupid, it's basically a golf cart (which exists already, in case you haven't noticed) and no one needs them! The only thing they accomplish by building these things is to produce so-called evidence that consumers don't want electric vehicles! No, that's not true! We don't want stupid electric vehicles! That's what we don't want, you idiots! Make something practical that we might actually spend our money on, that we might actually need or use, but so far that doesn't seem to be the trend. Guess we need to find a way to prove that we would actually buy these things so they will put their resources into making them, then maybe we'll get some decent products out there.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I have a good recipe for salsa coming, and I will post my taco recipe, too.

I'll try to blog ya later with lighter subjects, and not just my ranting! Thanks for reading!

R

Bummer.

2007-05-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

I just found out that the sugar-free caramel syrup I was so excited about at Starbucks is only one of those flavor syrups and not caramel syrup after all. I guess it wouldn't really make a caramel machiatto after all. :( But at least the vanilla can be sugar-free, I guess. And the creme base has a lighter version. Still good news, but not as good as I had thought.

And I apologize for my delay in blogging. Just for whatever reason I have been staying away. I've been trying to nurture my creativity and my energy, and working on those kind of endeavors, I suppose. I've even been cooking! I made a fantastic healthy version of taco meat yesterday, and some delicious chalupa shells, all low in fat and in Weight Watchers points. I will have to post the recipe as soon as I figure out the amounts of everything. I'm one of those people who doesn't measure when they cook, which can be annoying when I try to pass on recipes. I choose to "intuit" when I cook, I guess. But it turns out well, usually. I'm very pleased with the tacos from last night. If I ever had to move farther away from San Antonio and Texas, I think I would feel much more reassured if I can take some of my comfort foods with me, and even better if I can find healthier versions of them. Happy me.

I think I was also trying to avoid posting about my visit. I had a great time, and I got to visit with more of my missed family and friends than I thought I would be able to. But I also became worried about CJ. She was sick while I was home, and it's hard to watch her struggle to find a job and to get her life together. I worry quite a bit about her, even though I think I have enough of my own problems to worry me. I guess that's what it's like to have family, I don't know. She sounded in very good spirits when I talked to her today, though. That's good. She has a lot of positive qualities that I think she can overlook, and that gets her down. And she still has work to do getting her life back from depression. It can feel pretty daunting when the road ahead seems so long. If she can hang in there and find her strength, I think she can have a rewarding life. I hope she will not give up. (CJ: Listen to that Finn Brothers CD some more!)

But I also got to reconnect with my mother for the first time in a long time. For a while I think we had been drifting apart. But we got to talk for quite a while. It was really worth it for me. I enjoyed it. And H and I had a good time just at Starbucks and shopping at Wal-Mart. But it was too short, as usual.

I managed to avoid telling my dad that I was coming, mostly to see if I could surprise him. I thought it would be fun. Turns out, my grandmother was coming to lunch as well, and she didn't know I was coming down, either! So I got to surprise 2 people! My dad seemed very shocked to see me, and my grandmother was so sweet and she hugged me a lot. It was nice. And we had good food. I even had self-control in the face of Tex-Mex, a huge accomplishment for me! I only ate 3 tortilla chips and 1 flour tortilla, and I had two yummy cheese enchiladas topped with chile con carne, some of the tastiest Mexican rice, and refried beans that remind me of homemade. It was an awesome lunch. And we had coffee, too. I made three trips to the same Starbucks in one day! First with CJ in the morning, with Dad and grandma in the afternoon, and with H in the evening.

Sunday I chatted with mom some more, and took CJ to an emergency clinic. It turned out to be very expensive since she doesn't have insurance, and they did tests and ran an IV. She had the stomach flu and needed to be hydrated. I'm sure her immune system was weak from having it once before so recently, but she was (and probably still is) pretty worried about it. I guess I understand. My own health can cause me quite a bit of concern. But she's fine, I'm sure. And then I had to drive home, tired from lack of sleep, and shaking from caffeine overdose. But it was an okay drive. Ben had some car sickness on the way down, so he had a children's dose of Bonine (like Dramamine, but with a more stupid name) and he didn't throw up again.

Well, that's about it. I guess I will wash up and get ready for bed. Sunday is grocery day, and C tries to get some "off" time. So it will be just "me and the E" tomorrow.

Night-night for now, and I'll do my best to blog ya later.

R

Just a quick . . .

2007-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

. . . hello, and a note to say I'm back from my trip.

I went to San Antonio over the weekend to visit family and friends. I had a great time, ate some great food, and now I'm back home again. I will probably write more on that soon, just not right now. I'm getting ready to eat dinner.

But I have some good news. In spite of a car trip and some fabulous Tex-Mex, I still lost 0.8 pounds! The last time I went out of town in a car, I gained 1 pound on my return. So it was a triumphant feeling to hear that I had lost weight this time.

And--more good news! From the land of Starbucks, I hear that the many varieties of creme Frappuccino drinks now have a LIGHT version! Woohoo! I can fit those green tea Frappuccinos back into my diet again! And, as if it could get any better than that, they now have a SUGAR-FREE caramel syrup, too! Now those Caramel Macchiatos and iced Caramel Macchiatos I used to love can be absolutely sugar-free! I'm a happy gal.

More stuff to follow. My dinner is ready. Look for the goodies at your local Starbucks. If they aren't there yet, they will hopefully be in your neighborhood soon.

Blog ya later,
R

Positive and Negative

2007-05-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

Ever think about that? Whether your life is mostly positive or mostly negative? I think depressed people think about that a lot. We focus on the negative things and give them more weight than they really have. A book I read described it as looking through the "lens of depression" as if it tinted everything you saw. I think that's true.

But have you ever thought about changing an event, thought, experience, etc. from one to the other? We probably do it all the time without noticing. Perhaps you had a great time on a date, then find out the person you were with lied to you about something, then the date that was once wonderful is suddenly tainted and painful. The event still passed in a happy way, but looking back, you might have changed it in your mind into a negative memory.

The opposite is something I've been trying to focus on--turning negative experiences into positive ones. It's a healthier attitude and one that I think my life could really use.

So, turning a negative into a positive could just be that you learned a lesson from something that you did wrong. Taking a lesson from a mistake could make that experience worthwhile, even if you can't change what you did. A more difficult way of turning negative to positive is to take an experience that was traumatic, devastating, woeful, fearful, or otherwise horrible, and make it something you can benefit from. Maybe not all negatives are possible to become positives, I don't know. But I'm working from the assumption that they are all potential lessons or benefits waiting to be discovered.

For example, I believe I've mentioned in my blog before that I had some horrific memories of my life in junior high and high school. For years, I've told myself that I would never admit that any of those experiences had made me stronger or made me empathetic to suffering or anything that might make it better for me. I refused to do so thinking that if I learned something, became stronger, or anything like that, I would also be saying to myself that those people who hurt me had somehow done me a favor. They had helped make me a better person by tormenting me every day of my formative years and making me consider suicide at a young age. But that's not really the truth. No, they didn't do me any favors, that's for sure. But finding something positive from all of that torment actually gave me power that I thought they had taken away. Back then, those people had the power to make me unhappy, and they wanted to. But if I turn it around, make something out of that time in my life, I can take that power away from them. I can go back to that girl and tell her how I would be a more sympathetic person, a stronger person, and a person who can handle adversity and still prevail. I learned that I can fight through depression, that suicide would have been a terrible loss knowing all of the wonderful things I've experienced since then . . . I can go on. I can give that girl I was the strength that I have now, since she didn't know she was strong. I can take something out of that time that I didn't know I could. And no one takes the credit but me for doing that. My tormentors had no higher cause to making me miserable, but I have a choice of how to view it. So I choose the higher cause.

Well, it's nappy time for the boy, so I think I'll take a bit of a break. Blog you folks later.

R

Good News.

2007-05-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

I've lost a full 25 pounds since I started Weight Watchers! Yep, all that hard work is actually paying off. Let me say that I thought I would be lucky to lose 10 pounds in 6 months, so I didn't think to hope I would lose 25 pounds in less than 4 months. The last 9 pounds will go more slowly, I believe, but at least I know I can do it if I work at it. I feel more "in control" than ever.

And as I was playing a toddler version of hopscotch on our small back patio, I noticed that my husband's eyes were on me and not my son. I asked him why he was watching me, and he said, "I can't help it if I have a hot wife."

:)

Wow, a "hot wife"! Me? Pretty cool. And very nice of my husband to say so. He might be a bit biased, but it is very very nice to hear.

Lots of boosts to my self-esteem lately. :)

And, I really hate to have so many product endorsements (such as Weight Watchers) but when I find something I like, I tell everyone about it. And I think WW is worth the money and time and effort. You can tell that I am passionate about it. And I want to mention another product that I am thrilled with lately. It is Olay Regenerist Thermal Skin Polisher. It is awesome! My adult acne is clearing, scars are fading, dry skin disappearing, and wrinkles smoothing . . . I love it. I keep getting comments on how good my skin looks, and let me say I have NEVER gotten compliments on my skin! I have had acne since I was in 3rd grade, and I am not exaggerating on that. I've had bad skin my whole life. And now I get compliments. Mostly from people who know what my skin looked like before, but I know how bad it was. I've tried truckloads of products and lost enthusiasm over all of them, but this one is worth the money. I think it says 10 straight days is equivalent to a mini-peel, and I think that's true. I think that my skin is a lot better than it was, and I've only been using this for a month. Go out and buy it! :)

Guess that's enough pointless blogging for a night. I'll be back soon with more!

Blog ya later,
R

Maybe . . .

2007-05-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

I might be able to visit San Antonio this Friday. I hate to sound too definite since I always jinx myself, but it sounds like a good possibility. Get some Tex-Mex, visit the fam, maybe have coffee with H . . . Should be a good time, but too brief, as usual.

I might be able to finish the 100 Things About Me post I'm planning. I'm in the 80s now. I think I was planning to procrastinate on that a bit, but I realized I've been doing that for way too long. Some of the stuff I had earlier on the list wasn't even accurate anymore. So I'm gonna give it another go . . .

I might be able to work on some art soon. C bought me a craft armoire for my art and jewelry goodies, so I can have a place to work and a place to store (and lock up) my art supplies when I need E to stay out. I've been having creative ideas, too, lately, so I'd like to follow up on that. I know it sounds boring to post that I've been having ideas, but with the bipolar meds, that is really an accomplishment. A huge turning point, since the meds dull creative reflexes I've been honing for so many years. A part of me has been missing since therapy, and now I might be getting back the only part of the "old" me that I really missed. Good news for me . . .

I might . . .

Have some more stuff to write about later. I guess I have to get the E-man to bed. He didn't nap, and we had a shopping expedition with his piggy bank money today, so he's especially tired and fussy. So I guess it's night-night time. I'm pretty tired, too, since I spent a good hour vacuuming today. I'm pretty hard-core about the vacuum, too. I treat it like a workout, get my weight gloves on so I can vacuum without worrying about pain, and then I even dig through those nasty rollers with my bare hands to dig out the carpet fuzz and other creepies. It takes a while. But I have a clean house, too. So I guess the routine is worth it. Payoffs everywhere! :)

Well, take care, and come back again!

R

Why can't I be positive?

2007-05-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

Not positive as in "you're pregnancy test is positive," but positive in that I am a very negative person. I try not to be, try to look for the good in life and in myself, but it's hard.

I realized today that I have been teaching myself to dislike who I am for years and years, and it's hard to un-learn something that powerful. How many times I tried to hide in plain sight from the kids in school who tormented me as they kicked me, surrounded me and grabbed my privates, as they drew on my clothes, spat on me, threw large wads of paper at my head, slammed me into walls as they passed, stole things from me, laughed at my voice, my walk, my parents income, my clothes . . . Everything. I thought if I could make myself as invisible as possible, they wouldn't notice me enough to tease me. I hated public speaking, and I still have yet to be comfortable with it. I hate brightly-colored clothing--it singles me out. And being fat only made me feel worse, but I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I had medical conditions and medications that made weight loss difficult, and I think I told myself that with those barriers, I just couldn't lose weight, so I might as well give up. Or not try. Eh, the lies I told myself to feel better about eating and get over the guilt. But I'm only a few pounds from my goal weight now, and I have to start believing that I'm not a fat person. I think I still am, in my mind. Changing those things about myself that I have believed for so long may be the toughest things I've had to face, even tougher than therapy for depression had been.

I think I thought that therapy did all the work for you. Once I got over the stigma of seeing a therapist--the dreaded therapist of flaky Hollywood stars and weird tin-foil wearing hoarders of cats--I could focus on the recovery. It was all me, much to my dismay. I had to do the work, I had to change, I had to keep on track. Why I thought the therapist would do all the work is beyond me now, but that's what I thought at the time. It was hard to get through, but it's the labor of change that heals. Without it, you don't become stronger, and you don't learn how to keep yourself strong in the future.

I'm sold on Weight Watchers and on therapy. I highly recommend them both, by the way. Anything that can help and expedite a recovery or benefit, I am all for it. Why wait? Why suffer? Why wait for your situation to change, when it may not? Just find a way to heal and stick with it. I wasted too much of my life as it is, hoping I wouldn't have to go to Weight Watchers or to therapy, but the whole time I did, I was still unhealthy. I might have been able to do it on my own, but it would have taken much longer. And the help is there, and I learned a lot more in a short time than I could have learned over years and years of struggling on my own. And I still did it myself--all the work was mine--I earned it. But I had coursework to back it up. Don't underestimate it, or yourself. Therapy rocks. And so does Weight Watchers. And the things I have learned apply to when I'm not on a program or in therapy, so I can continue the benefit. You can't top that, in my opinion.

Anyone else see the Spurs win? Was that not cool? I am so happy for them, my hometown team. Underdogs, still, after all of these years, but a great team with lots of great players. Someone can always pick up the slack. Still, I'm sorry for Avery Johnson and the Mavericks. I was hoping they would do better. The next game is tonight, but it might be the last. I think they may have been over-confident after such a great season, and they weren't prepared for the ferocity of the playoffs. It's a real shame, since I know they are a great team. And Avery is such a nice guy, San Antonio still has a soft spot in their hearts for him. Good luck to them tonight, but good luck to the Spurs, too, next series.

Well, enough rambling. I will probably post some more lists, soon. Mostly because I'm trying to avoid the "100 Things About Me" list I was working on, since I don't know if I can find 100 things. Oh, well. So I'll spread it out! And I can talk about my pets, too, something 100 things about me wouldn't cover. So, read on, if you're interested. :)

Thanks for visiting, and till next time, blog ya later.

R

Names I Call My Dog

2007-05-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

My sweet Benny, I've given him a ton of nicknames. For starters:

Benny
Bennie and the Jets
Benny-Boy
Ben-Ben
Bennster
Pom-Pom
Pocket Dog
Pocket Pup
Pocket Poof
Pet Poof
Bark Machine
Shut Up

And my favorite: Fuzzlebum.

I think he knows I'm talking to him every time, but I can't be sure. He's not exactly in the running for the dog version of MENSA. Not the brightest dog, but certainly the cutest! He's a little clown who gives me doggie hugs and kisses every day, and follows me around like a shadow. Very sweet, without a vicious bone in his body. Just so you know . . .

Introducing you to my Benny. :)

R

Viruses and Neurons

2007-05-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

Today was all about health for me. And vomit. Immediately upon waking, my son threw up all over his bedding. Then again. And again. Cleaned laundry, carpet, floor . . . Sprayed disinfectant on hard surfaces . . . Called doctor's office . . . Finally relent and take him to the doctor by 10 am. That was the morning. He had a mild stomach virus.

What a lot of trouble such a small thing can cause, and how serious it can ultimately be. Hearing about the upcoming Crowded House album has brought out some feelings for me, especially the tragic death of the band's long-time drummer and friend. He lost the battle with depression, as many have done all over the world. And still, too few people take it seriously. Just a few misfiring neurons, or chemicals breaking down improperly in the brain, can eventually take a life. I think of how many times I consider myself to have been close to ending my life, how many times I felt like giving up and ending that horrible pain.

I can't say it enough, but depression is a life-threatening illness. Too many people either try to go it alone, or suffer with treatments that aren't working. It's always worth it to keep trying new treatments, combinations of medications or therapies until you find something that works. And not to let people convince you that meds are "happy pills" and that you have to be "crazy" to be in therapy. Maybe you've been misdiagnosed, and, like me, you were once told that you had depression or major depression, when in fact you are actually bipolar. Whole new ball game with a new diagnosis. But at least you can be on the path to recovery and finally get your life back.

I've said it before, and those of you who read this regularly will know I feel this way, but I really think treatment was like being released from prison for me. I never realized how much my previous life imprisoned me. I had so many feelings that held me back, routines I couldn't break, fears that paralyzed me . . . Not many people can cure themselves. It's virtually impossible, especially if you have a medical condition that causes the depression. Mental illnesses are medical conditions, too. Just because an illness affects the brain doesn't mean you can cure it with thought or willpower. It's an organ that can malfunction as much as any other in the body. You treat it the way you would treat another health condition, ideally. Take it just as seriously.

But, I digress. I feel very strongly about the subject of mental illness, or else I wouldn't make it such a major part of my blog. I also feel very strongly about my son. He consumed my day, and I barely made it to my Weight Watchers meeting. (Good news: I've officially dropped my weight below 130 pounds!) I'm sure I have lots more things I could talk about this evening. I really have a lot of things on my mind and not enough time to blog. But I'll try to get back to this as soon as I can.

For now, I'll leave it at that. Gotta bunch of stupid stuff to blog about, too, if you don't mind! :) Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

Animal Pee

2007-04-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

How can I hear this phrase on an (almost) daily basis? I'll give you a hint:

"A - B - C - D - E - F - G, H - I - J - K - animal - pee, Q - R - S, T - U - V, W - X, Y - and - Z."

At least, that's what it sounds like when my son sings it.

R

Okay, thought of some more things . . .

2007-04-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Icky-pants:

Using a razor wayyyy longer than you're supposed to, in order to save money on groceries.
Toddler tantrums
When traffic is leaving the speedway on a weekend and half those 100,000 people decide to find a "short cut" down the street in front of my subdivision. Then traffic is bumper-to-bumper on every avenue of travel for a few hours each day.
Getting my period
Cleaning poo off of my dog's fur--poofy Pomeranian butt! :)
Did I mention gas prices? Just thought I should mention it again.
When the shows I watch are over for another season, and I have to wait for the NEW season to air, then come out on DVD so I can finally see it! We watch a few HBO shows now.
And I hate finding large, hairy, quick, aggressive spiders around my house!

Happy:

When my son hugs me without prompting
Clean cars
A clean house
When I hear my son singing made-up songs in his room
A full kitchen of groceries
Meteor showers
Finding a great shopping deal
eBay! ;)
Scrabble
Roller-coasters!
And finding money I forgot about!

That's enough for now. Blog ya later!

R

Some things I think are icky-pants:

2007-04-23T02:14:00.000-07:00

In no particular order:

Bugs (especially ants, roaches, and bees/wasps)
Poopy diapers
Prejudice
President Bush
Animal cruelty
The fact that no one seems to care about the faux fur fallacy
Loss
I can't stop missing my Missy rabbit . . . :(
I miss my Qui-Qui-doggie, too. :(
People who abuse children--beyond icky-pants!
Not having enough money to go to Starbucks
Running out of books to sell to Half-Price books to get money to go to Starbucks
When I don't have time to shower
Getting blood drawn
Shrimp--I swear, they are just "ocean roaches" to me!
War
Gas prices! Major-ly icky, and keeping me from visiting home!
Rotten produce in my crisper--especially when it begins to liquefy! I really do clean out my fridge, but sometimes the rotting happens very quickly!
Anytime I have to clean up vomit--human, canine--doesn't matter!
Bad dreams
When clothes are too small
People who tailgate
Smoking
Insomnia
Suffering
Littering
more stuff I'll add when I've had enough sleep . . .

Nighty-night, such as it is.

R

Things that make me happy!

2007-04-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

In no particular order:

When my son laughs so hard his laughs become silent.
Tickling my boy!
Sunsets.
Taking pictures.
Seeing artwork in a museum that I had only seen in books before.
Wildflowers, especially in south-central Texas, where they are seen along the highway en masse, and you can't even see the grass anymore.
When my dog smiles as he plays.
When my husband comes home from work.
Getting an unexpected hug.
Chocolate!
Coffee!
Starbucks!
When I can make a coherent sentence that actually sounds intelligent, especially if I can use big words! ;)
My family.
Lucid dreaming. Pretty cool, if I can do it.
Dreaming about my pets, whom I miss very much.
The ocean.
Paris, France.
Really good Tex-Mex food.
Mexican bakeries--lots of colors and unique breads.
The feeling after a long shower.
Losing weight.
Finding clothes that fit well.
Shopping!
That semi-annual sale at Bath and Body Works.
Walking on sand.
Thunderstorms.
Cool weather.
Traveling.
Airplane tickets in my hand!
Making jewelry.
Painting.
Emails from my family.
Getting catalogs in the mail.
Hugging my husband and my son.
Interior decorating.
24
Getting into new tv shows with my husband.
Shopping for beads with my friend, H.
Having coffee with my dad.
When my artificial tan comes out right.
Buying stuff for the house.
Taking naps with my dog.

Okay, I guess that's enough for now. At least I can think of happy things, I know you'll be relieved! Time to go get that decent shower I've been waiting for, and to get out of the house for a little bit on this lovely spring day.

Blog ya later,
R

My son is a hippy . . .

2007-04-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

. . . but hopefully not for long! He needs a haircut pretty bad. The plan is to shower, shave, and put on some warm-weather clothes (finally) and get out to the salon with my boy. We have a bit of money left over from Millie's gift check from last week, so we can finally swing the whole haircut thing . . . We've put it off to long, too, too long.

I made dinner last night. I've been trying to keep up with cooking when I can, since it's much more economical and often more nutritious and healthy. Last night was macaroni and cheese, a food-makeover recipe from the Weight Watchers website. Honestly, it didn't taste very good. One of those recipes that just didn't work out, I guess. I think we'll just toss the leftovers. Not like me, since I hate to throw out food when there are starving people in the world, but this was just . . . blekh! So, all my efforts in the kitchen were in vain, the steam burn on my arm, the spilled cheese on the stove, the cost of the groceries, the time . . . For nothing! Why do I bother? I don't know. I think I'm a pretty handy person in the kitchen. A lot of my recipes come out pretty good, and I can make some of my grandmother's Mexican food . . . But in this case, I blame it entirely on the recipe. Not my fault, I tell ya! I can only do so much to fix a recipe that's faulty! I'm not sure how it ever got on the website, to be honest with you. They must not have tried this one first.

Guess what my son is doing right now? No, guess, really! I'll give you a sec . . . Okay, give up? He is actually pretending to vacuum! Got the vacuum unit out and everything. He's telling me it'll be loud, and he just needs to get to the hall, then he'll be done. Then he checks the carpet setting and pushes it around some more. It looks kinda heavy for him to handle, but he's doing it. Not something I would think a 3-year-old would find interesting, but . . . He surprises me every day. Monday he wanted me to pretend his binoculars were a purse while we shopped for shoes. I tried to tell him boys and men didn't need purses, only ladies. But he wanted it to be a purse sooooo baddd! Whattayagonnado? He spends a lot of time with his mommy.

Well, that's it, I guess. I will probably post some lists and stuff next. CJ will know all this stuff, but just in case there is someone out there who wants to get to know me a bit, this'll be for you. Take care.

Blog ya later,
R

FYI

2007-04-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

If you've never had a colonoscopy, let me tell you a bit about what goes on. Just a little heads-up from Your's Truly.

The day before the procedure, you don't get to eat--the entire day! That is, you DON'T EAT AT ALL the day before the procedure. Whew. That was a tough one to chew, no pun intended. Then you basically overdose on laxatives and spend the rest of the afternoon wearing a path in the carpet toward the bathroom. No food or water the morning of the procedure, and you get an IV line (which hurts because you're dehydrated), warm blankets, and a faded hospital gown. The doc says hi and then you get sleepy, then you wake up in the recovery room feeling like you were abducted by aliens. Memory gets fuzzy after that. Lots of sleeping, and voracious eating to follow, which may continue the next day as well.

And guess what I found out after all of this? Nothing. They just say it might be IBS, or irritable bowel syndrome. Seems like a catch-all diagnosis to me, like they don't really know what's wrong. The pain seems better, though, and the doctor said stress could have brought on much of the symptoms, too. So, I guess it was worthwhile for that reason.

I haven't felt like blogging for a while. I've had some energy lately, and I finally spent it doing some housecleaning. The house was getting ready to beg me for it, I really think so. But now it's done and looking almost like new again. And I got to shop for some shoes for my boy, who was almost walking on the soles of his feet instead of shoes by now. So I've been using my energy for other things, I guess, and not really blogging. Sometimes it feels depressing to blog, mostly because my life seems so dull sometimes, and also because I don't think anybody reads this. It almost seems pointless. But I'm usually glad once I've done it, so I guess I'll try to get back into the habit. It's a small way of making connections with the world. So, here I am.

Anyone want to learn 100 things about me? It's coming up, once I can think of 100 things to say about myself. I'm finally into the 70s. That was already pretty tough. But I'll keep working on it.

Ah, well, I guess that's it for now. Thanks for reading, for anyone who's still left out there. Thanks. Bye for now.

R

Specialist

2007-04-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

The visit was this afternoon with the specialist in digestive medicine. He took my concerns very seriously, listened to me, asked lots of questions, and scheduled several tests. I am hoping at least I will come out of this with a diagnosis, no matter how grave it might be. I would really just like to know what is wrong, and then go from there. He said it could be nothing, something benign, or even something serious, so we will work on finding out the cause for my pain. I am just grateful for his efforts.

I had blood drawn, and the phlebotomist was absolutely awesome! I very rarely walk out of a medical lab saying that. I'm not sure I felt anything at all, he was that good. For a phobic, that is great news. And he was very accommodating to my son, teaching him numbers on the calendar while I did the other tests ordered. He got tons of compliments, too.

And that was my day, highlighted by a trip to Starbucks and the bakery outlet, and a decently long nap. I feel better already, even if it is just in my state of mind. More tests now scheduled for Wednesday, and hopefully I will find out soon what the trouble has been all about. I will let you folks know what I know when I know it. But so far, just waiting for results. I will probably not post the next Wednesday, since I will be dopey from the test, and tomorrow will be spent with my Millie. I'll do my best to be back here Saturday. Maybe tomorrow night if I get enough rest! We'll see.

That's pretty much what I needed to tell, just what's been going on and why I haven't been posting. I've been in some pain, and not feeling well. Thanks for caring, and for checking in on me. It means a lot.

Love,
R

Bad Blogger!

2007-04-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Bad, bad, bad, bad blogger! I just have not been updating this blog I have not been telling everyone about the terrible sore throat my hubby has been suffering from. I have not been telling everyone about the time E laughed at me when I stuck out my tongue at him, then gasped, pink-cheeked and dimpled, giving me a breathy, "Again!" He laughed so hard he could barely breathe, then told me, "You're cracking me up!" It's the first time I've ever heard him use that expression! Very funny!

I failed to mention the birthday my mom had on Sunday, then my sister today. Then I avoided blogging about the weight loss I've achieved at my meetings, even though I'm very proud of myself. I've failed to mention how little sleep I've gotten over the pet food scare, worried my dog will get sick, even though he doesn't eat canned food, but only dry. I haven't mentioned how I can still cry over my Missy rabbit, how much I still dream about my Qui-Qui dog, how I see them in my dreams if I can only sleep. I still worry about the dogs and cats in China, although I've been writing about that. I wish I could stop the pain those animals feel, if only I could stop one more animal from being tortured, I could finally sleep.

But I'm worried about the pain in my side. It's been getting worse. I have to wait until tomorrow to get it checked out by a doctor, and I don't know if they will even do any tests at all, or if I'll have to wait, or if they will just don't-worry-you're-pretty-little-head me and send me on my way. Will I get a good doctor? Will he know what to do? Will he have a clue? Will it be anything serious? How soon can I be treated? Can it be treated? I'm just worried about so many things, I have a hard time thinking about anything else. I really wish I could have my family here right now. I miss them. I would like to have people around me who will at least sound concerned about it . . . I think I'm trying to avoid worrying Millie, and C has had his own health concerns, so I haven't really had anyone to talk to about it except on the phone with CJ. I get tired of talking on the phone, though. I just want to be able to talk. Just sit and talk.

And I worry about money. So many unexpected bills creep up, and having medical expenses doesn't help. The ultrasound I just got will be another $120 or so, then there are whatever tests the specialist decides to do. And then we're running short on groceries again, and we have very little money until the next pay period, about a week-and-a-half from now. And wouldn't it be nice just to be able to afford a pair of pants that fit, to celebrate my weight loss with new clothes . . . Or to go out for coffee. . . Or buy E those new shoes he's been needing . . . Or buy a few things for the house, or a new toaster, or a million other things.

I've been feeling pretty down. Pretty depressed. I think we're doing pretty well financially, especially compared with how we were doing in San Antonio. But there are always times when it seems like there is never enough money. I guess that will always be the case, but it's frustrating. I feel like I don't contribute enough, even though I do my best, with all my faults, to keep the house running smoothly and to take care of my son. I wish I could do more, like help with earning the money. And I wish I could find the time or organization or something to be able to enjoy my hobbies (like painting or jewelry-making). I want to travel and to learn new things . . .

I think I might be going through another phase where I just feel vaguely unfulfilled. No real reason, I guess. Not really ennui, or dissatisfaction, or anything I can put my finger on. It's nothing that anyone can help me with, either. I have to figure out something, or answer a question, or something I haven't discerned . . . I don't know what it is. But it makes me feel lonely.

Anyway, since this blog has become so extremely depressing, I do apologize. Anyone who's still reading, I appreciate it. I am thankful that anyone out there might actually care what I'm thinking or going through . . . Leave a comment so I know you're there, if you will. Thanks.

R

Fake Fur Update

2007-03-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Not only has this story been picked up by the Associated Press, but this issue is now being presented on the BBC website, lending more credibility to this horrible deception.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6205093.stm

If you want to be able to take action, please follow this link to the Humane Society's website to send a letter to congress for better labeling laws and enforcement.

https://community.hsus.org/campaign/FED_2007_fur_labeling?qp_source=gaba2c

Sorry to get so serious and so political, but I just can't sit by while animals are being used in such a horrific fashion. I hope you, too, will find a way to help, just look at your own beloved pets for inspiration. As much as you would not want that pet to suffer, think of how these animals are being treated across the world in China. Help them. They deserve it, even if it's just a small action, it could set off a chain reaction that could stop this torture once and for all.

Thank you.
R

Very Upset

2007-03-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm very upset about the story I recently read about the faux fur fallacy. I've even been losing sleep over this, and I think there aren't very many other people concerned about this. I don't understand why there isn't more of a reaction in the news community (yet?). Let me tell you a few of the reasons why I think there should be worldwide backlash:

Consumer deception--People who may have the right intentions, wanting to buy fake fur to save the lives of innocent animals, are being deceived. How horrible I would feel if I found out the fur-trimmed jacket I bought was really someone's German shepherd puppy pelt.
People are losing pets--beloved family members, children's playmates, cuddly pets are being stolen. How heartbroken I would feel if I found out my sweet Pomeranian had been kidnapped and then tortured for his fur. It's unbearable to think about.
Unimaginable pain and suffering--These animals are undergoing the kind of pain and horror we usually only see in horror films of serial killers on a bloody rampage. It's gruesome and inhumane on so many levels. Just because they are dogs or cats doesn't mean we should treat them like this. Watching their cell-mates skinned alive, seeing their bodies hanging around, waiting for the same fate they know is coming . . . Crying as they are strangled but still alive, helpless to stop the pain as they feel their own flesh being torn from their bodies . . . It's a fate no one and no being should have to go through.
This isn't justifiable in any way--Animals being killed not for food, but for fur. There's no higher purpose to the killings, just vanity. The suffering of these animals is something people around the world have tried to prevent, but it's still going on, and it's worse than before. The deception, the kidnapping, the torture are all things people are believing do not exist.
Don't we owe it to humanity to check into this? I know I am horrified thinking that this might be going on. I've been losing sleep over the fact that I know I cannot stop the next animal from suffering unimaginably, that there will be more and more before the truth can come to light. If it isn't true, wonderful. Wonderful! But if it is true, we need to do something. Can't we investigate? Please? I feel helpless right now.

More nights of sleeplessness await, I know. And over an issue that isn't yet confirmed. But I need to know. And I need to know when it is stopped, if this is confirmed in any way. I beg for people to help.

One more reason for disappointment on my part is the fact that I had a pointless doctor visit yesterday. The doctor basically told me he didn't know what was causing my pain, gave me a prescription for something that would alleviate symptoms I don't have, and told me to follow up with the doctor who sent me to him in the first place. Typical medical community two-step that I danced back in San Antonio before I moved here. I miss Doctor Roldan. He always helped me, had great intuition, and never left questions unanswered. Great caring doctor. I wish I could drive home just to see him, but I don't think my insurance would approve.

Well, that's enough depressing news for one day. I'm sure I've lost readership (such as it was) over these topics. Who needs to hear why someone else is miserable? I don't know. Sorry to anyone else who is still reading, waiting for some iota of entertainment value. Sorry.

Take care, and I will blog ya later,
R

Link to the original article copied below

2007-03-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=444606&in_page_id=1879

Author Andrea Thompson, 26 March, 2007

Very Important Message for Animal Lovers

2007-03-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

I just received this, and I couldn't even read all of it, it was so horrible. You may not be able to either, but I think more people should know about this, mostly because of the inhumanity. The methods used by these companies should make your heart break, and hopefully inspire change in such a deplorable industry. Please read.

 Slaughter house: China butchers cats and dogs to satisfy the west's hunger

>for fur

>

>

>

>It sounds too grotesque for words. But pelts from slaughtered cats and dogs

>are being passed off as 'ethical' fur. Last week, the US fashion industry

>cracked down on dubious ladelling, not good news for British shoppers as

>fashion insiders predict a flood of rejects from the US

>

>The short video would have made even the most hardened fur-lover recoil. A

>grey longhaired German shepherd puppy is hauled from its cage by the neck

>before being strung up by a wire noose, which slowly strangles it to within

>an inch of its life. It is then skinned alive whilst blinking helplessly

>and moaning in agony.

>

>A PR disaster for the fur trade, this video is part of a huge campaign by

>the Humane Society of the United States.

>

>It culminated last week in the international animal rights charity exposing

>shocking new evidence that coats purchased from the top-end US designer

>store, Nordstrom, which stocks designer labels including Calvin Klein and

>Tommy Hilfiger, were found to be trimmed with fur from domestic dogs, even

>though the fur was advertised as fake.

>

>There was public outrage and the fashion industry in New York is still

>feeling the shockwaves. Panic set in as top names Calvin Klein, DKNY and

>Rocawear, and celebrities including Beyonce and P-Diddy whose fashion lines

>were stocked instore, rushed out statements expressing disgust.

>

>Described in shock news headlines as the 'biggest industry-wide deception'

>in recent years, it began after a tip-off from a customer who bought a

>surprisingly soft coat marked 'faux fur'.

>

>DNA tests revealed it to be domestic dog originating in China, which

>supplies well over half of the fur to the global market and is renowned for

>its inhumane killing methods.

>

>Other coats were found to be the skins of similarly banned members of the

>canine family, such as Racoon dog and wolf.

>

>There have been whispers for some time about the increase in dog and cat

>fur entering the global fur chain.

>

>But last week's news finally blew the lid off the scandal. And those naïve

>enough to believe that this is an isolated incident are in for a wake up

>call.

>

>In America importing cat and dog furs into the country has been outlawed

>since 2000. But in the UK - a nation famed for its animal lovers - there is

>no law banning the import of cat and dog fur at all, making it even more

>likely that a similar scandal could emerge.

>

>The Britsh Fur Association has signed up to a voluntary EU labelling scheme

>in a bid to reassure shoppers that its pelts are not tainted by cat and dog

>fur, and this autumn it plans to launch the Origin Assured (AO) label which

>will confirm that 'a product comes from a country where national or local

>regulations or standards governing fur production are in force'.

>

>But unlike Australia, New Zealand and 5 other EU countries, the UK

>government has so far refused calls to sign up to a blanket ban on such

>imports.

>

>"Because fur is often dyed and treated, it is almost impossible to

>establish with 100 per cent certainty the true origin of the fur in our

>stores and markets," says Mark Glover, UK Director of Humane Society

>International.

>

>"With DNA testing proving expensive and time consuming, and garments

>needing to be sent abroad for analysis, it is also impossible to check

>every garment that enters the market.

>

>"It is now widely established that much of the exceptionally real feeling

>faux fur on sale in street market stalls across the country, like that in

>the US, is actually real."

>

>Last week's US clampdown is also expected to have a huge knock on effect

>globally - with imports of dog and cat fur now flooding the European market

>where legislation is more lax and demand for fur is equally high.

>

>But with most high street retailers and several top designer brands moving

>production to China in a bid to keep costs down, how long will it be before

>a major UK fashion chain is caught out? And when a cat pelt, can be bought

>in china for less than two dollars (compared with $6 for a dog) it is not

>suprising that many retailers turn a blind eye to its origins.

>

>Cat fur is soft and luxurious enabling it to be passed off as any number of

>more expensive furs. While German Shepherd is the most popular breed of dog

>because its long fur so closely resembles that of wild animals such as

>coyote or racoon. Labrador and Alsatian pelts have also been found.

>

>Recent figures reveal that China slaughters over two million cat and dogs

>every year to satisfy Western demand - supplying 50% of the fur in America.

>

>"How much of this is cat and dog pelt is impossible to tell but official

>figures reveal that 5,400 cats and dogs are slaughtered across China every

>day with the majority shipped to the West- someone has to be buying them,"

>adds Glover.

>

>While campaigners are pushing for EU-wide measures to ban the sale of cat

>and dog in all 25 member nations, the RSPCA says there is a strong

>likelihood that cat and dog fur is being worn by unsuspecting customers in

>a variety of fur trims.

>

>One major high street chain was even also forced to withdraw all fur from

>its collections after jackets trimmed with 'coyote' were found to be dog

>fur.

>

>Wander through Covent Garden's jubilee market or celebrity favourite

>Portobello Road any afternoon and you are confronted by a vast array of fur

>lined gloves, coats, hats and accessories priced at rock bottom prices,

>such as £10 for a pair of leather fur lined gloves.

>

>Some are labelled 'genuine fur', others simply 'made in china' but because

>most of these garmets fall outside the usual mink or fox labels, they are

>imported under the 'Other fur' category, which means retailers are not

>legally obliged to state which animal they come from.

>

>"The demand for fur this winter has been so high that I've struggled to

>keep up," said one retailer in Covent Garden's Jubilee Market this week.

>

>Asked if he knew the origin of the fur on a pair of black leather gloves he

>was selling he shrugged his shoulders. Such demand inevitably means buyers

>are less discerning about its source.

>

>Posing as potential buyers, animal charity Care for the Wild International

>(CWI) went undercover in London and Hong Kong to reveal the extent to which

>Chinese fur is flooding the UK market. They were offered a range of skins

>including leopard and domestic cats skins.

>

>While many originate from Spain, the vast majority are Chinese. The vast

>majority of 'rabbit' pom pom scarves - popular for the past two winters,

>and a snip at £5 is available in markets up and down the UK - were exposed

>as cat fur.

>

>The Humane Society International first revealed Europe's role in the dog

>and cat fur back in 1998. As part of the original inquiry, investigators

>followed pelts across the world to France and Germany, where the fur was

>being made into coats, clothing trim, glove linings, and children's toys.

>The fur was also found in Spain, Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Italy, and the

>Netherlands.

>

>Sickening evidence collected included a blanket made out of 4 golden

>retrievers bought in Copenhagen, individual cat skins complete with eye

>holes, paws and tales in Barcelona and a full length coat made out of up to

>42 Alsatian puppies bought in Berlin. And in spite of anti-fur campaigners,

>the demand for fur in general on our high streets this winter was higher

>than ever before.

>

>Sales in the UK topped 50 million for the first time - up 30 per cent on

>two years ago. But because of dubious labelling, there is no official data

>on the trade.

>

>"It is the importer of the fur garment who chooses how the product is to be

>labelled," says Glover.

>

>"We have recordings of Chinese factory owners admitting to us during

>undercover investigations that they are happy to attach any label to

>garments to make them more marketable." The fur industry's new labelling

>initiatives have been seen by many as a step in the right direction.

>Regulations include guidelines that protect the environment and ensure

>sustainable wildlife programs and humane farming practices.

>

>"The labelling programme is part of a commitment to openness and

>transparency," says Andrea Martin of the British Fur Association.

>

>"As an industry, we deplore and work against the mistreatment of all

>animals."

>

>But it is the people who operate outside the official fur industry who are

>the worry, as investigations by PETA reveal.

>

>Footage shows dogs and cats in cramped factories or being rounded up on the

>street where they are sold for their skin. Many still have their collars on

>at the time of slaughter - a sign they were domesticated pets.

>

>Dogs can be seen cowering in dark cold unsanitary rooms surrounded by the

>bodies of dead skinned dogs suspended from hooks.

>

>Cats are strangled with nooses one by one in wooden cages. This summer the

>EU will decide whether to impose a blanket ban on the imports of all cat

>and dog pelts, which at least is a step in the right direction. But the

>Internet is set to be the next hurdle.

>

>The rise in web shopping means that hundreds of China-based companies can

>carry on passing off cat and dog fur under various guises to customers and

>fashion retailers online - no questions asked.

>

>So, next time you're tempted by a 'faux fur' trimmed parka, or a

>suprisingly cheap pair of fur-lined gloves, you might want to think twice

>about whether the mittens are kitten and the hood is hound. Chances are it

>is.

Still no sleep.

2007-03-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I keep trying, but I guess I still have some anxiety over the pain in my abdomen. I just don't know what it is, and it's starting to make me panic a bit, I think. When it hurts as I'm trying to fall asleep, I start thinking of all of the things it could be, and then I can't sleep anymore. It's easy to let your fears get out of control, just as easy as it is to let your sadness take hold.

But I can try to get an appointment with my doctor soon, I have to wait and call the office tomorrow. Then lose sleep as I wait for the appointment, then panic as I wait for test results . . . I'm sure I won't be sleeping for a while.

Then I think I hear my son cry during the night, like his injection site is bothering him. I think maybe the Tylenol wore off, and he needs a new dose. But he slept fine, and took some Tylenol this morning. He's playing and rambunctious, as usual. But the mom instincts don't stop, the worry finds it's way into my daily life for a full 24 hours a day.

This is my definition of motherhood, by the way. Motherhood: A state of constant and intense worry, punctuated by moments of unimaginable emotional bliss. That's really what it is to me. The unprecedented bliss is what I live for, and it's worth all of the worry.

Well, that's my rambling for the day. Hope to hear from some people out there, just so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself or lost in cyberspace. No pressure, though. When you're ready. :)

Till then, take care. Blog ya later.

R

Getting some sleep . . .

2007-03-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

. . . finally!

My son got the immunization that he was supposed to have gotten on Monday, and now I can stop losing sleep over it. I really hate when he has to get shots, partly because I have to stand there helplessly while someone injures my boy, and partly because I never know what kind of reaction he will have afterward. Will there be fevers, pains, fussiness, lack of appetite? I don't know. And it could make my week a lot tougher, caring for him and trying to care for myself in the meantime.

Well, it went fine. He got a lollipop and all was well. He has had soreness and lack of appetite, but that's about all. Some Tylenol and he's fine. I hate hearing him cry and even beg for medicine, it just seems very sad. And I feel like an evil witch for having subjected him to such torture quite voluntarily, no matter what the benefits of immunizations are. I still feel evil after that. So then I spoil him with a happy meal and a book from Half Price. He was very excited about that.

And my other errands got done this week, too, including getting my prescriptions set up with the new insurance and talking to the doctor about my abdominal pain. He pretty much passed the buck on to my ob/gyn, but at least I talked to him about it. I hope the gynecologist knows what to do. I really dread another health care battle like I had with the hypothyroidism. I hope they can figure out what's wrong without my having to beg them, and plead with them to believe me that something is indeed wrong with me. I hope. I will probably lose sleep over this, now that E is fine. I guess there's always something.

Well, I guess I can hit the hay, or at least try. Until next time, g'night.

R

I will (apparantly) never learn . . .

2007-03-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

. . . You'd think I would have learned this by now, but I should never, ever, EVER watch tv programs about ghosts and the paranormal right before bedtime. Never.

I consider myself a sane person when on my medications, and a reasonable, intelligent person as well. I'm not sure what I believe is true about most paranormal experiences people claim to have. Many of them can be explained by other forces or even by the person's own brain chemistry. Hearing voices, seeing apparitions, and things of the sort can be explained by psychiatric hallucinations, electrical stimulations created by the movement of the earth's crust, and many other earthly phenomena. I've seen convincing documentaries that completely disprove the U.F.O. phenomenon entirely. And I think I was hoping it wouldn't be so convincing . . . But it was.

In the past, I've had what I would consider paranormal experiences. However, I would like to follow that by saying I have begun to doubt the veracity of those experiences simply because I have been diagnosed with psychiatric disorders that, in some cases, can cause mild hallucinations. When I was a pre-teen girl, I had an experience where I saw a toddler girl in my bedroom once I awoke from a dream. My parents liked me to think I was still dreaming, but I am convinced to this day that I was not. I completely believed the girl was there, since at the time I did not believe in ghosts or anything of the sort. I think I told myself that I just missed the doorbell and that my sister was having a surprise sleepover with one of the girls from her daycare class. I mean, there was a girl in the room--what else could it be? She looked as if she had awakened from a nightmare as she stared at me--seeking comfort from another child, I assumed. But as I approached the girl, reached out my hand to her shoulder, she vanished, suddenly and right before my eyes. I was terrified out of my mind, and slept the rest of the night under my blanket.

So, what do I make of this experience now? Not much. Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I hallucinated. I really don't know. Maybe she was a ghost, but I can never be sure, especially now that I know what I now know about myself. But there are two experiences that I have yet to explain away.

The first was in the same house where I saw the child. My sisters and I were all watching television on a Saturday night, relaxing on the sofa while my parents slept in another room across the house. I don't remember what was happening at the time, but we were suddenly interrupted by the loud thumping sound of footsteps on the roof. We knew the sound well, since my grandfather and my dad frequently worked on the house while we lived there, fixing the tv antenna, installing central air and heat, and other projects. But this was late on a Saturday night, and my parents were asleep. They could not have opened a door without us hearing, since it was one of those old, creaky houses in an aging subdivision. You heard everything.

We stared at the ceiling, all of us, jaws slacked, asking each other if we knew what was happening. We could easily follow the path of the footsteps across the ceiling, heard them stop right above us, and clinking metal sounds like someone had set down a toolbox. I remember being overcome by fear, thinking that maybe someone was putting a bomb on our roof or something--hey, I was just a kid. But then the clinking stopped, and the footsteps resumed, crossing the remainder of the roof to the edge of the house. My sisters and I ran quickly to the window so that we could look upward and try to see if someone was looking over the edge of the roof so we could see who it was, but instead, we just heard a thump, right beneath us, on the grass right outside the window. We sat there in the window, staring at nothing, just a faded sound, on the lawn in front of us on the other side of the glass.

Next came the "did you just hear that?" and "did you hear what I just heard?" from the terrified children in the room, and we huddled on the sofa, frozen in fear for the rest of the night. My parents had no explanation for that one in the morning.

Another experience that I can't explain happened at the house where I used to work as a nanny. During the morning, before I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism and had my extreme fatigue explained to me, I would nap in the parents bedroom. Often, but not every time I napped in that room, I would feel someone's hand touch my face in a tender and reassuring way. It was soothing, and I would feel like I could drift off to sleep without a care, then I would realize it was very VERY real, and that I wasn't yet sleeping or dreaming. I would sit up with a start, only to realize I was alone in the room. Time and time again this happened, and every time it felt so incredibly real I would think that the father of the kids had come home early and was attempting to wake me, not yet realizing that I hadn't fallen asleep yet. But I hadn't heard a door open, or heard footsteps . . . Then I would jolt upright and notice nothing in the room yet again.

I would discount these incidents entirely, were it not for something my sister said to me about a year after I had left that job. She asked me if I had ever felt like someone's hand touched my face before I fell asleep there . . . I said yes, then said it only happened in that particular bedroom, while she nodded knowingly. "And there was something about his fingertips," I said.

"Yes!" she shouted. "Like his fingers were calloused or something?"

I think I just stared at her for a while, then said, "Yes, or like his fingerprints were especially raised or something . . . I thought maybe it was something about his fingerprints."

"I thought maybe it was callouses," she said. But we had both touched on the same thing.

So, even if it was a vivid, realistic dream that occurs in light sleep, why did we both have the exact same dream? And why did we both have that dream in that one place, and never anywhere else? And then we never had the same dream again, ever, after leaving that job? Does it mean anything?

I don't know. So I'd like to have some paranormal experiences again, as a person who has undergone treatment and medication, just to see what I really believe, now that I consider myself sane. Maybe I should become a ghost hunter or something. It might be overly terrifying for me, but at least I would know it was real, for once. But then I'd never get any sleep . . .

Ever.

R

Success!

2007-03-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

I almost don't believe it, but I reached a milestone today. Finally, after working so hard at it over the years, I lost 10 percent of my body weight! That means, in Weight Watchers terms, I got my key chain! :) WooHoo! I didn't think I'd be able to lose weight, first of all, but to reach this goal so soon into the program is an even bigger shock for me. I am thrilled, just thrilled. And I got it in front of my supportive group with my sweet group leader--it was nice.

E had a checkup today at the doctor, and then we did some brief shopping. An otherwise uneventful day. I do have to share a toddler-ism I just heard today: Trying to say, "Easter Egg Hunt," my son told me he wanted to share in an, "Easter cunt." Hmm. Not sure they have that. Made me blush, if you can imagine!

Night-night. I really need to rest up for tomorrow. Groceries, a boy's hair cut, and an immunization shot are to follow. Take care, and de-lurk, if possible. I'm getting lonely! :)

R

Neologisms

2007-03-19T18:24:00.001-07:00

---------- emailed by my husband ---------- A neologism is a word, term, or phrase which has been recently created ("coined") - often to apply to new concepts, to synthesize pre- existing concepts, or to make older terminology sound more contemporary. Neologisms are especially useful in identifying inventions, new phenomena, or old ideas which have taken on a new cultural context. The term e-mail, as used today, is an example of a neologism. Neologisms are by definition "new", and as such are often directly attributable to a specific individual, publication, period or event. The term "neologism" was itself coined around 1800; so for some time in the early 19th Century, the word "neologism" was itself a neologism. Neologisms can also refer to an existing word or phrase which has been assigned a new meaning. Some previous Washington Post winners: 1. Coffee (n.) - the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.) - a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.) - olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) - emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.) - the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n) - a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) - the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.) - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. The Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are previous winners: 1. Bozone (n.) - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.) - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 3. Giraffiti (n) - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4. Sarchasm (n) - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5. Inoculatte (v) - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6. Hipatitis (n) - Terminal coolness. 7. Osteopornosis (n) - A degenerate disease. 8. Karmageddon (n) - It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 9. Decafalon (n.) - The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 10. Glibido (v) - All talk and no action. 11. Dopeler effect (n) - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) - The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 13. Beelzebug (n.) - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 14. Caterpallor (n.) - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n) - A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

On my mind . . .

2007-03-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bit of trouble sleeping again, probably for various reasons, but partly because my mind won't let go of certain thoughts long enough to let me sleep. I wonder if it's because of the bipolar disorder, which can cause racing thoughts, especially at bedtime. I used to have this problem a lot before therapy and medication, but less so now. I don't know if I'm under-medicated, in need of therapy, or just plain having trouble sleeping. Is it because I'm a human being this time, or is it because I'm bipolar? I just don't know.

Regardless, I cannot sleep. So I thought I'd share some of the things that are on my mind preventing me from relaxing.

I miss my dad. I read an email from him today and started crying. I haven't seen him in so long, it feels like forever. I used to see him every Saturday when I lived in San Antonio, and we would spend hours together, just getting to know each other all over again. Now he's 5 hours away, not an unsurmountable distance, but inconvenient nonetheless. Not exactly a quick day trip, although we've done that before. But we don't do that very often, as it's extremely draining being in the car that long. Driving through Austin is always hard since there seems to be one giant traffic jam there no matter what time of day or night you might pass through. Anyway, I miss him.
I can still cry for my two lost pets at the drop of a hat. They were such a part of my life for so long, it's hard to move on from there and to heal. I dream about them, which makes me think they could visit me in my sleep and hold them once again. Maybe they will visit me less and less as I heal, making sure I'm okay before they move on. I miss them both deeply, my poodle and my rabbit.
I'm angry at President Bush. CJ told me about a quote she'd heard, that he's "dividing our allies and uniting our enemies," the opposite of what should be done, and I think that's true. I don't know how Clinton can be impeached essentially for having an affair, and for sending our troops, unjustified, into another nation to be killed and to kill others, is somehow not an impeachable offense. I just don't get it. People are dying over this "mistake". He has yet to apologize, which is the least of what he should do, especially for the families of the soldiers who have died serving this country and believing he wouldn't send them in harm's way for nothing. It hurts me to think about the soldiers and their families, knowing it didn't have to happen, that they knew all along there was no evidence or justification for war, that we hadn't finished the job in Afghanistan, that we have basically proven right every stereotype the world views about American politics, that he is representing us to the world, and that innocent people have died in Iraq as well, that more people will die while he tries to fix this mess . . . It hurts. I love this country so much, I hate for other people to hate it. But sometimes they have good reason to, which is something I am sad to admit. What's best for the country is to build up our military strength, improve our security at home, and not spread our armed forces to the winds like an unlimited resource. These are people we're talking about. I could go on, but I won't.
I still haven't heard from the insurance company about my surgery. I'm supposed to get a predetermination letter in the mail, but I have yet to receive it. I wish there was some way to check the status of that. I'd like to know what's going to happen. I'm still in pain here.
Have I lost weight? I don't know. I missed my last meeting out of illness, and now I'm waiting until Tuesday for my next meeting. I would go to another meeting except I'm hoping to receive my key chain and if I do get it, I want it to be in front of the group I know and with my group leader. It would mean more for me to get it that way. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I'm still cautiously optimistic.

Well, no one ever said the things keeping you awake have to be important things, or even interesting things. But that's where my thoughts are this early, early morning.

Time to try to get some sleep again. Maybe I can breathe this time. It's hit and miss lately. And I can't sleep with my mouth open. I just can't. I've tried. I just hate the cold feeling across my teeth as I inhale, and the dryness in my mouth . . . It'll even wake me up if it happens while I'm sleeping. I've trained myself to sleep with it closed, but on days when I have almost no air flow through my nose, it's an inconvenience.

Nighty-night.
R

More surprises from E

2007-03-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my toddler son surprised me with an unusual request. I'm sure parents of toddlers know how unusual my son can be--that he sleeps until 9:00 am, that he eats broccoli, will have a bowlful of black olives at mealtime, and more . . . But yesterday afternoon, while I was on the phone with my sister, CJ, he actually asked me if he could take a bath!

Yep, asked me if he could bathe. That was easy! Wow! And all he did while he was in there was play with a simple rubber duck. Sat there in the tub and squeeze it for about 15 minutes. Doesn't get easier than that. I think I got pretty lucky in the son department . . .

Today, he caught me putting a shirt over my bra. I was struggling to pull it over my elbows, and he stopped right next to me, poked me on the side of my bra, and just said, "Fruit on dere." Hmm. Then I realized that the bra was Fruit of the Loom, so there was fruit there, but I would say that was the last thing I expected him to say while catching me putting on a shirt.

The best surprises are the unexpected I-love-yous and the unprompted hugs, but all the surprises make him such an adventure. Like the last time I made him a quesadilla, then, tasting it, he looked at me and said, "It's good," with an approving nod. And when he tells me how much he does not want to eat eggplant, but will try it anyway. At least one bite, then decide if he doesn't like it. Then he'll clean his plate. What a great boy.

I'm still stuffed up and sleepless. So that's all I will write for now. I will catch up later.

R

I'm sick again . . .

2007-03-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

But CJ, unsleepy, leaves her take on the topic of racism.

Something Positive . . .

2007-03-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

. . . for a change!

I thought I'd share something I learned recently at a Weight Watchers meeting that applies to so much more, and it's been motivating me lately:

If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

Think about it.

G'night.

R

Reverse Racism/Racism

2007-03-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about something lately, and I thought I might share my viewpoint.

What is "reverse racism"? It's a term I made up, so I'm sure I'll have to explain. I'll give an example.

If someone says, "Black babies are so cute," or, "Mexican men are strong," is that considered a compliment? Or is it racist? Think about it. It's a compliment, meant to show the listener that the person they are talking to is open-minded or has a positive view of different races. However, I think it's the latter of the two explanations. Giving a compliment may not be racist, and it's not motivated by hate, but a generalization based on something the person has no control over is a prejudice, in my mind. Maybe the comments are motivated by "white guilt" or just ignorance, but they can hurt. And the person who said these things does not believe she's a racist person, but I see these small instances that seem to imply that she is, whether she knows it or not.

I think part of my opinion is formed from the fact that I see people trying to justify to others that they are open-minded, and it might be some insecurity on their part. Once I tell someone like this that I am part Hispanic, all of a sudden this person begins telling me all of the people they know of different minority groups, telling me of a minority person they respect, telling me something that they believe is complimentary about Hispanics . . . Just because you know a black person doesn't make you open-minded, I'm sorry. And then singling out someone on the basis of race, regardless of the circumstances, then becomes a racist act. If you see that person as a particular race and not an individual, it seems you still separate yourself from those groups. And then all of a sudden your best friend is a black person? Does that person know about this? Maybe we should tell him or her how proud you are to have a black friend, and what this does for your self-image.

Maybe you find yourself watching the news, and you see white people running a charitable organization that helps out the underprivileged in a particular community. The people they are helping happen to be minorities. So then you feel good about yourself that some white people are reaching out and giving back, and you see some minorities getting a helping hand and getting their lives back on track. You think we're moving in a positive direction. I'm not implying that these things aren't a step forward, but when you start thinking about white people helping the world, it starts to get a little uncomfortable for me. I don't mind that they are helping, just the fact that some whites might then feel that they have taken part in the charity themselves, as a race and not as individuals. Or that people see minorities as people who need help. I'm sure it's something like racism in the workplace or in the community that limits opportunities given to some, but it's an economic factor, rather than a race factor that causes many of the stereotypes people have of downtrodden minorities.

I know racism still exists in a negative way. I can't prove it, but I think the homeowners association here made the Hispanics on our block move their plants indoors and remove the landscaping materials they had put in, when I see white families on other streets with the very things these people were asked to remove. I really can't see any other reason to do that. The HOA simply didn't like these people for one reason or another, but I think I know the reason. It's one of the things I don't like about the South, in general--that racism still abounds.

Racism in this area of Texas is more obvious than in San Antonio, I think because minorities are so prominent there. This is a predominantly white area, and you can occasionally see the prejudices emerge. The Confederate flag decals, the nasty looks, the rude attitude, the insults . . . It's all here. I don't like it. It makes me ashamed to call myself a Texan, and it's a real shame since there are so many good things about Texas to be proud of.

Sometimes it's necessary to generalize people into groups or even into races, just for organization's sake. But when it's unnecessary, it's a negative generalization. "Hispanic women are pretty," isn't a compliment to me, since they aren't really complimenting ME. They are saying I had nothing to do with it--the exercise, the diet, the care for my skin and hair, my choices in clothing--are all beside the point, it seems. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I don't want to be just a Hispanic. Sometimes I need to be--I get it. I understand. I accept the responsibility. But I don't always need or want it. I want some of my own efforts to be applauded.

I'm probably overly self-conscious about race issues. I know that. I've had arguments over this topic with people I know and respect. It's the racism I hate, not the races. I don't hate white people, just specific people's attitudes towards others. Not everyone does this. But I think we should think about how we look at other people and decide whether or not we make racist generalizations. Analyze our own behavior toward others, how we act around different races, and how we interact. Do you catch yourself assuming the Mexican person down the block is dealing drugs? Or that the black person behind you is getting ready to mug you? Or that the minority family on your street is struggling to make ends meet?

Someone I know (and will not name) believed that the black family across the street was into drugs and crime. And when some mail turned up missing from the mailbox, guess who was immediately blamed? As it turned out, none of these assumptions were true, and this person ended up eating crow. She really thought her opinions were justified, however, even after being proven wrong. I think it's sad. I don't like seeing people this way. I hate seeing entire families of predominantly white Texans "guarding" our border for national security, while ignoring the insecure Canadian border, I guess because Canadians look too much like "we" do. And somehow I don't think these vigilantes are checking for passports or reviewing the Interpol wanted listings. I agree that we need secure borders, but at what cost? What about humanity? Don't people deserve the chance to make a life here in the United States? If life is so difficult where they come from that they would literally risk their lives to make ends meet for their families, why are we being so heartless? Why do our borders have to be protected against darker skinned people and not others? The terrorists of 9/11 mostly crossed into the United States through the Canadian border, not Mexico. So why is Mexico such a threat? Really, we should ask ourselves what the real reasons are.

Well, I'm sure I've made some enemies tonight. I'm tired, so I'm sure I didn't really make my points clearly enough. I may be doing some clarifications tomorrow. It's a big topic for one blog entry, so I'm sorry this became so involved and extensive. I'm sure I didn't do justice to the points I was trying to make. I was kind of all over the place tonight, and not very clear. That happens when I'm sleep deprived.

Good night, peeps, and blog ya later.

R

Did I say that?

2007-03-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

I guess I did, because my boy repeated it back to me today. This is how it went:

I was getting ready to meet over at my in-laws when my son walked in the room. As a finishing touch, I decided to use a body spray that I had gotten a while ago at Bath and Body Works. As I'm misting the spray over my body, my son asks, "What, you don't smell too good today?"

I laughed at the unexpected question, then I think I just agreed with him. I must have said it once while I was using the spray once before, and I guess I told him that I used it when I don't smell good. I guess. I don't really remember. I'm not sure where he might have picked that up, though, except for me.

We ran around in the backyard for a little bit after we got home. For some reason, this reminded E of something he had seen on tv, and he told me, "The Mythbusters said, 'ahhh!' when the fire came up in the Mythbusters' house." Sounds like lots of episodes of Mythbusters! But I smiled and said, "Yeah!" with some mock enthusiasm. He liked this idea all of a sudden, and says, "We're the Mythbusters! We're the Mythbusters guys!" Of course, his idea of pretending to be the Mythbusters is just to keep running around the yard exactly as before, only occasionally reconfirming that we are indeed Mythbusters. Then he wanted to use the pooper scooper. Weird boy.

I can't sleep for some reason, so I thought I'd blog a bit. I should try again, though. Never give up! I'll catch that sleep! It can't hide from me forever! Sooner or later, it'll get tired. I'm watching and waiting . . . Then I'll catch some sleep.

Laters,
R

Confession

2007-03-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

I guess I need to confess (hey, that rhymes!) that on Tuesday I actually gained a pound after my vacation. I have been telling myself it's because of bloating and because I ate extra even on days when I was in the car a lot. I didn't stray from the plan at all, but I guess I should have made modifications for being in the car. I probably didn't drink enough water, either. Not good. Not good at all.

So I'm back on track this week and hoping for better news on Tuesday. I really think it's nothing to worry about, but I didn't really want to publicize my disappointment. But I guess someone else might benefit from hearing about it, especially someone else trying to lose weight. All I can really do is what I've been doing, and then see if I need to make changes when I see my weight results next week. So far, the plan has been working, so I have only vacation and car time to blame. I really think it's the most plausible explanation. I mean, I really stuck to the plan, even when I REALLY didn't want to, like when I smelled fried catfish and wanted it, saw delicious chicken-fried steak and wanted it, when I craved Doritos and passed them up . . . Countless times. I didn't even get my customary car-trip scone at Starbucks! That's dedication! Really!

So I'm going to be smarter this week, drink lots of water, and as my former doctor in San Antonio put it, "Pee like a horse!" It's funnier when he says it, since he has a strong accent and an intimidating voice. You don't expect him to say stuff like that! Anyway, that's my strategy for the week.

I've been tired after a massive grocery trip yesterday that took several trips to the trunk to unload, and two loads of laundry to fold and put away. My muscles are hella sore. So now I need a resting day. Vacuuming tomorrow, maybe. I need to visit my Millie (mother-in-law) tomorrow since she's having back surgery on Wednesday and could use some friendly distractions. But otherwise we have no plans this weekend. Sounds nice.

Later, folks. Talk to you soon.
R

Vacation Pics

2007-03-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

Got to go hiking a little bit, saw some lovely scenery:

The Bennster got to travel with us this time, and he went hiking, too!

Then we had to take a boat out on the lake, even though it was off-season and the water levels were a bit low. It was warm and beautiful that day, and we had a relaxing time. Doesn't C look manly at the helm of our boat?

Alas, we had to come home. We missed our house and our darling son. And I missed this blog! And the internet! Wow, it's hard living without the internet once you've become so used to having it in your life. I kept wanting to look things up every time we had a question! But we're back.

Write more later!
R

2007-03-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

Here's C standing in front of an idyllic Arkansas valley on our vacation this past weekend.

Our condo was right on a finger of Lake Hamilton.

Happy Anniversary!

2007-03-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

This is a belated post--my anniversary was Friday, March 2! We hit the big 0-5 wedding anniversary, and went out of town for a vacation to Hot Springs, AR.

The things I love about my husband:

He says, "I love you," every day.
He kisses me good-night.
He has a way of saying just the right thing at just the time when I need to hear it.
He thanks me for cooking dinner and for putting the baby to bed, even though I do it every day.
He has a great sense of humor--weird, rude, and often self-deprecating.
He's actually excited about getting our lawn green this summer. He bought a book about it and everything--it's bedtime reading. :)
He remembers to encourage me without pushing me--a tough thing to do.
He asked me to marry him before I had even started my medications or therapy--I'm surprised I was lovable at ALL!
He proposed to me in Paris, France! A romantic proposal . . .
When he met me for the first time, he brought gifts for my dog.
During a romantic interlude in a hotel room, we forgot to close the door all the way. I was horribly embarrassed, and to diffuse the situation he snickered, "Did you hear those people earlier? Geesh, get a room, People!"
He rubbed my knees and helped me down every single flight of stairs when my knees had become horribly inflamed and painful on vacation a few years ago. I couldn't even bend my legs when I woke up in the morning, they had swollen so badly.
He always tries to talk to my Grandmother in Spanish, and listens even when she goes into a guilt trip tirade.
He's a fantastic father who loves and plays with his son daily, carries him on his shoulders even when it hurts, changes diapers, takes him to his grandma's when I need a break, and much, much more.
He gives me spontaneous foot rubs while we're sitting on the sofa watching tv.
He tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, fun . . . Things you can never hear too often . . .
He's mine--all mine! :)

I love you, Honey! Happy 5th Anniversary!
R

Getting To Know Me

2007-03-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the 2007 edition of getting to know your Friends. What you are supposed to do is copy not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, that you might not have known! 1. What time did you get up this morning? I'm lucky, my toddler sleeps till 9:00am. 2. Diamonds or pearls? Both--Gimme! 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What is this "cinema" you speak of? 4. What is your favorite TV show? 24, Deadwood, Big Love 5. What do you usually have for breakfast? A variety of healthy foods 7. What is your middle name? Lynn 8. What food do you dislike? Liver, digestive organs, anything that is still looking at me, and stuff with suction cups. 9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Finn Brothers, "Everyone is Here" 10. What kind of car do you drive? A top-of-the-line Ford Focus 11. Favorite sandwich? Pretty much any sandwich with bacon--or guacamole! 12. What characteristic do you despise? Prejudice. Really despise it. 13. Favorite item of clothing? Clothing. 14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Paris, France, or almost anywhere in Canada. 15. What color is your bathroom? Beige-y. 16. Favorite brand of clothing? Whatever's cheap and fits me. 17. Where would you retire to? Paris or Canada. 18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My husband threw confetti all over me to wake me up (the sharp, pointy, poky kind) and read me a card with a funny birthday song on it--we still quote that card as a pick-me-up now and then. 19. Favorite sport to watch? basketball.....go Spurs :) 20. Farthest place you are sending this? New Jersey 21. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? You know who you are . . . 22. Person you expect to send it back first? ??? 23. Favorite saying? "Crapola" and stuff I picked up from "Deadwood" 24. When is your birthday? June 25 25. Are you a morning person or a night person? They are both pretty sweet . . . 26. What is your shoe size? 6 or 6 1/2. And, how rude of you to ask! 27. Pets? My only dog, a Pomeranian named Benny. 28. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I've lost almost 14 pounds so far! 29. What did you want to be when you were little? An artist or an author 30. How are you today? Fine, how are you? 31. What is your favorite candy? Chocolate. Chocolate anything. 32. What is your favorite flower? Daffodils 33. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? All of 'em. 34. What church do you attend? What business is it of yours? And why do you assume I go to church and not a synagogue, temple, or "nothing"? 33. What is your full name? XXXXX XXXX XXXX XXXXXXX 34. What are you listening to right now? My husband and my son laughing together. 35. What was the last thing you ate? An english muffin sandwich 36. Do you wish on stars? used to, but that is a lot of pressure for a star 37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? What is a fat, cranky color? 38. How is the weather right now? Cold. Windy. 39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My husband. 40. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Like? No. LOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE? Yes! 41. Favorite soft drink? Diet Rite Strawberry Kiwi soda 42. Favorite restaurant? A bunch from San Antonio, TX 43. Hair color? reddish brown 44. Sibling? 2 sisters and a brother-in-law 45. Favorite day of the year? All of 'em. Any day I can get out of bed is a good one. 46. What was your favorite toy as a child? A stuffed horse named Derby Dan. I still have him. 47. Summer or winter? Winters in Texas are pretty mild. Spring in Paris, Fall in Fredricksburg, TX and in the Northeast--in other words, it depends. 48. Hugs or kisses? Oh, a lady never tells! 49. Chocolate or Vanilla? Ice cream? Both. Candy? Chocolate. 50. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes, or they won't be my friends anymore. 51. When was the last time you cried? Watching Dangerous Catch on Discovery Channel--a ship sank. It was very very sad. 52. What is under your bed? Carpet 53. Who is the friend you have had the longest? IXXX 54. What did you do last night? Watched Big Love and South Park with my husband. 55. Favorite smell? That pear stuff I used to put in my bath in Montreal on my honeymoon--it smelled wonderful! Still my favorite smell. 56. What are you afraid of? I don't want to think about it. 57. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? Buttery and salty! 58. How many keys on your key ring? 2 maybe, and some keys floating around without chains . . . 59. How many years at your current job? Hmmm . . . I've been a mom for over three years now! 60. Favorite day of the week? They are all prettysweet . . . 61. How many towns have you lived in?2. Yippee.
62. Do you make friends easily? Apparently not or I'd have some by now. 63. How many people will you be sending this to? Not telling. It would be too sad.

Weird Things About Me

2007-02-26T08:18:00.000-08:00

I think it's time I tell you some things about me that might be interesting. This is for entertainment purposes only, not to be used for blackmail or humiliation of any kind.

I really don't like teddy bears. I must be one of the few people in this category, but I really don't like them very much. The toys, prints, pictures, fabrics, anything with bears. There are exceptions, of course, but as a general rule, I prefer dogs or bunnies.
Don't like broccoli? Only eat it 'cuz it's healthy? Well, I actually LIKE broccoli! Really! Doesn't even need cheese!
When I see a lost dog, I will try to catch it and call the number on the tag. I've done this several times already. I even housed a dog while I put up flyers over the neighborhood looking for it's home. So far, only happy endings.
I don't mean this in any kind of sleazy way, but I sleep in the nude. I can't stand sleeping in clothes, not even socks. It started when I gained weight a few years ago and none of my clothes fit well enough for me to want to sleep in them comfortably. Now I can't sleep dressed unless absolutely necessary.
I'm not afraid of spiders unless I'm sleeping. I'm not sure why, but I have this fear of spiders crawling on my hand if it touches the wall while I sleep. Not ants, not bugs, not something that has actually crawled on my hand while I slept, but (very specifically) spiders.
I'm addicted to the Discovery Channel. I thought I broke this habit years ago when we couldn't afford cable, but now that we have it again, I find it more addicting than ever. Deadliest Catch, Mythbusters, It Takes a Thief, and on and on and on.
I'm the only person in my family who doesn't wear glasses or contacts.
I met my husband on the internet.
I didn't go to college until I was 25. I was 31 when I got married, 32 when I became a mom, and I'm 35 right now and I have no idea what to do with my life other than what I'm doing right now. I need a goal.

More weird things to follow, I'm sure. But now you know me a little better. I'm sure you're glad. I will write more soon. Oh, and BTW, I know I need another picture of my neighborhood for comparison to my last post, but the batteries died today. I will wait till more are conceived and born to me, then take more pictures to post here. Yada yada.

R

End of the World

2007-02-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

Or at least it looks like it! You probably can't tell, but those aren't clouds in the sky, it's DUST! The horizon is completely obscured . . .

It's only 2:30 in the afternoon! Creepy!

It's gusting up to 35 mph officially, but I think it's more than that. Our rain gutter is flapping--sounds like someone knocking on the door all afternoon! The sun was shining about three hours ago--I'm not sure where it went . . .

Is it just me?

2007-02-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

Or do other people out there really enjoy making up new words? I tend to do it a lot, so I guess I must really enjoy it. It's a lot more fun now, too, since my son has developed enough of a vocabulary to know what I'm talking about.

The other day, I was a little goofy, and I tried to tell E about it. I had been doing stupid things, like going over to the dishwasher to get a cup out, then opening the cabinet next to it instead . . . Things like that. Then I'd look in the cabinet wondering why the trash was there and not the dishes . . . So I told E I was a bit goofy. Then I said I would get better, "I'll de-goof-ify," I told him. He started laughing, then I asked him, "Is that a word?"

He actually said, "No," my little 3-year-old, and smiled.

"Oh," I said. Smart boy. Like when I was teaching him shapes and he had learned the octagon. We had associated it with a stop sign, so I was joking and told him it was a "stopagon". He laughed, knowing fully that it was not a "stopagon" at all! I can't fool that boy, even though he's so young.

So, there, you just learned something new about me. Oh, and there's more . . . Much more . . .

:)
R

Ennui

2007-02-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

Fancy French word for an indefinable boredom. That's what I've been going through lately. I just don't know how else to describe it or what to do about it. Maybe it's a bipolar thing. Maybe it's a depression thing. Or maybe it's because I've moved away from the people I know and love--except for my son and husband. But it's lonely during the day when my husband is at work.

My sis CJ calls me daily, usually. It's always nice to hear from her, and she lets me know I'm not alone. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages, mostly because we used to see each other 2 or 3 times a week, at least! Talking on the phone just isn't the same. And I've given up on trying to weaken the twin bond, and our twin dependence. We have always been good friends and enjoy each other's company, and heck, that's probably the way it will always be. It's weird living in another city from her, and I'm starting to think it just isn't possible. Maybe she'll be able to move here, or else she'll move somewhere cool where C will want us to follow! Hey, I can hope! :)

I'm working on a post to let people know a few things about me, some of the more unusual details. I'm a strange person, I tell ya. You'll probably find out the next time you read, if you haven't found out already. Maybe I'll teach you a bit about life with the mentally ill. Some strangeness, I assure you. And you'll hear about my favorite things, and my Discovery Channel addiction, pet peeves, all that good stuff.

Later,
R

Good News!

2007-02-20T23:35:00.000-08:00

I'm finally feeling better after feeling sick for so long, and I got back from my weekly Weight Watchers meeting with good news! I have now lost just over 11 pounds! WooHoo! I'm working my way toward earning that keychain! :)

This past weekend, my son, hubby and I went to the Greater Tarrant County Auto Show, especially because my son loves cars so much. It was fun, and we got to see a lot of the new models coming up in the new year, sit in some nice cars, and hang out with the in-laws. E got to sit in a real police car, too! I don't think he wanted to get out of it!

I still have some really exciting vacuuming to do tomorrow, as well as some bathtub cleaning. Tune in tomorrow for all of the riveting details! :)

Laters,
R

Quick Update

2007-02-13T21:56:00.000-08:00

Just a quick hello since I've been feeling pretty sick the past couple of days. Sore throat, drippy nose, fatigue, the usual . . .

I had to make a stop at Weight Watchers anyway, just for my weekly weigh-in (I didn't feel well enough to stay for the meeting). I was surprised to learn that I had lost 2.4 pounds! I'm really amazed. It's been about 9.2 pounds of weight loss so far. I'm truly shocked. It's been a long time since I found anything that worked for me. And I ate pizza rolls, chocolate, and cookies during the week. Amazing!

Guess that's it. I'm way too goofy to write much longer, and I have a terrible headache. I was rooting for one of the poodles to win Westminster tonight, but no such luck. Maybe next time.

Later,
R

Ka-Cha!

2007-02-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

It's a game C plays with E. I think you can get the concept pretty easily! But there's noting like a toddler grin! Look at those dimples! He begs to do it again and again, long after his dad's back muscles start aching . . .

He's not really flying as high as it looks in these pictures! I guess it's the angle or something. Look for the grins and hopefully you won't call Child Protective Services . . . I swear, the boy loves that Ka-Cha game . . .

R

TGIS

2007-02-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

I tell ya, yesterday I had a terrifying moment where I thought it was Thursday. ACK! C didn't help at all, he told me today would be Friday and let me sulk for a while before he admitted it would be Saturday. I was too tired yesterday to even know what day it was. I had done tons of laundry, washed and folded, picked up toys, made the beds, washed dishes, etc. I was exhausted. The only thing that got me through it all was thinking, "Tomorrow is Saturday, tomorrow is Saturday." When I thought it wasn't, I got really bummed. But obviously today is Saturday after all.

We didn't do much, but we did go to Chick-Fil-A for lunch, where I met a mom of a 3-year-old who was also new to the area. She gave me lots of ideas for places to go with E, even her phone number so we could get together. One of the best ideas, I thought, that she told me about was a preschool craft class at Michael's that's only 2 bucks, including supplies. That's right up my alley, I tell ya. And I'd love to get E interested in art. It's something that he and I could enjoy together. Sounds like fun.

Then we went grocery shopping, came home, and I crashed for a long nap. My dog slept by my side, something that always makes me feel extra cozy, and also makes it extra hard to get up. C finally woke me, and said it was getting late. Then we put some more knobs on our cabinets and ate dinner. Well, sort of. I just ate a bagel with strawberry cream cheese, a Weight Watchers ice cream bar, and a small WW chocolate cake. I guess I just felt like having sweets or something. So that's what I ate. Stuck to my points nonetheless.

Well, as far as events, this weekend was slow. But I've still been feeling like I want something, but I don't know what it is. I also feel like something is wrong that hasn't been diagnosed. Two feelings that have been leaving me feeling distracted and preoccupied. Perhaps I'll go to my doctor before my next appointment, just for some peace of mind. I don't know if I can take it much longer, knowing there is a diagnosis to be made . . . I guess. I guess something is wrong. I don't know. But I feel like I know for sure that there is something. Doctors always make me feel like a hypochondriac or a worrier, which drives me nuts. I've been right before, when they've all been wrong. I guess I'm not looking forward to the possibility of an all-out battle over my health care. I've been there, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. I formed a lot of my opinions about doctors and the medical community during that ordeal. I'm sure a lot of people out there know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, guess I'll go take my meds and do some reading or something. Try to relax. Take care, all, and I'll be back soon for more mindless babbling.

Laters,
R

What's Wrong With Me?

2007-02-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

I just can't seem to get anything done lately. I can't even get my s**t together enough to leave the house. I wouldn't say I'm procrastinating exactly, but something like it. I'm not consciously trying to get out of doing thing I need to do, but somehow they aren't getting done. Part of me is thinking of all the things I need to do, another part is trying to prioritize, and yet another is saying, "You don't need to do that right this minute!" So nothing gets done. Nothing. I didn't even take a shower until 4 o'clock this afternoon. And I didn't mop, didn't do any dishes, didn't do any laundry, didn't paint, didn't blog, didn't exercise . . . Didn't anything.

I think in some ways I feel preoccupied. All I can think about is that I have an undiagnosed health condition. If it isn't the cyst on my ovary causing the pain in my abdoment, what is it? What else is wrong with me? What symptoms have I overlooked? Are the symptoms I have related at all, or separate conditions? The hair loss I've been having was diagnosed as a symptom of stress, since my TSH was normal. But is it? Am I still stressed out enough after moving to a new city and getting my medications in order? Or is it now hair loss due to some other condition?

Sometimes it feels like my blood sugar has dropped suddenly and I feel weak and shaky, even dizzy. Yet, if I eat, the feeling is still there. I once had my blood pressure drop while I was getting a blood test done during pregnancy, and it feels sort of like that, but I don't have a way to verify that it's low blood pressure. I did feel faint Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Then it goes away. The pain in my abdomen, although subtle, is still there. It's obvious when I bend over sometimes, or after the exams I've had when someone was pressing all over my belly and pelvis. It doesn't get worse usually, just persists. So, is it something, or nothing? When is it okay to be concerned, and when do you just tell yourself you're being a hypochondriac and to relax.

I have to be concerned in some ways, mostly because it was my own persistence that got me a hypothyroidism diagnosis. I KNEW something had been wrong with me, but no doctors I saw would ever persue it. They would give me antibiotics or else tell me it's viral and there's nothing that can be done. I told one doctor that I felt like I had been sick an awfully long time and I was worried, and he just told me, "Yeah, sometimes it just hits you all at once." That's another reason it was so tough for me to leave my doctor in San Antonio, since he listened, had great intuition, and always followed through to a diagnosis. He was great. I hope my new doctor won't give up on me.

At the very least, test me until I'm sure there really isn't anything wrong.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit stressed. E has been cranky all afternoon, fussy, crying, and demanding. I guess I was due for it. He had been a real sweetiepie for days in a row this week. Just a picture perfect little boy. Gotta earn those mom wages, though.

Maybe relieving some stress will help with the weight loss I missed out on this week. I've been sticking to the plan and doing my best, but I still haven't been able to find time to exercise. Mostly I'm just imagining it will be like all the times past when E would intervene, literally tackle me to the floor, take my exercise equipment, cry until I was finished or turned of the DVD . . . It's hard to make myself ready to deal with that as well as the exercising itself. Whew . . . I'm stressed out just thinking about it.

Well, wrists and fingers getting tired. I should probably go. Maybe I'll have a warm beverage this evening and cozy up to my husband. Sounds nice.

Later, peeps. Come back again! :)
R

Good Meeting

2007-02-07T10:22:00.000-08:00

If you know anything about bipolar disorder or depression, you might know that the medications needed to balance out brain chemistry in this way also cause weight gain. So, I also have difficulty losing weight, even if I do everything right.

This was the case last night at my Weight Watchers meeting. I didn't gain, but I didn't lose. I know I did everything right, increased my activity, ate right, counted my points . . . But there was no change in my weight. It's very frustrating, and it's a place I've been far too many times in the past. I know that probably the only thing I did wrong was to expect something. In spite of that dissappointing news, I had a good meeting. The group leader talked to a few people who had experience weight gains while following the program conscientiously, as well as some people who had faced weight loss plateaus before. A few people had gone through what I went through, very similarly, although I'm not sure they faced plateaus at only week 3. But there were other people with thyroid problems and a lady who just found out she had diabetes. They all said going to the meetings will help, and I'm hoping that will be the case for me. It's the one thing I haven't tried, having help with my weight loss. I've always gone alone, done the diet thing by myself, and always given up. It's hard to stay motivated when you see no results. I'm still worried about it, but as one of the women put it last night, "If you give up, you know nothing good will happen." So, I'm sticking with it.

I've been feeling light-headed and dizzy lately, too. I'm not sure what's going on there. I don't trust myself driving. I hope it's nothing serious. Since the doctor thought my ovarian cyst was not the cause of my abdominal pain, I'm not sure what the problem really is, and that makes me nervous. I may be scheduling an earlier appointment to see my general practitioner than I had originally planned. Such is my life now, doctor to doctor to doctor trying to keep everything in balance and order. It's hard knowing that without modern medicine, I doubt that I would even be ALIVE. I feel weak sometimes, although I know it's through no fault of my own that my body has these malfunctions.

Anyway, that's enough self-pity for one day. Time to play with my son and have a belated breakfast. My thyroid hormones prohibit me from having breakfast at a normal time some days, especially if I take them later than planned. So if I want dairy, I have to wait 2 or 3 hours after taking the pills to eat.

Guess I'll write more later, as soon as I get a chance. I mean to post some pictures on here, too, but I just haven't decided what to do here yet. It's like a second chance to get this blog the way I want it to be, so I want to take advantage of it.

Take care, folks, and I'll blog ya later.

R

Belated 24 Post

2007-02-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I love 24. It's one of my favorite tv shows and I try not to miss it, even though at times plots are recycled and there are bouts of idiocy. It's still a fun show to watch, even interact with in my living room.

Now and then, there are implausible scenarios, even in the world of tv. Such as, no way in the world would a real counter-terrorist organization allow a person to interrogate their own sibling. Unlikely. Very unlikely. And my hubby and I know by now that "interrogation" kit really means "torture" kit. Kind of funny in a fictional kind of way. Anytime someone needs information, hubby and I start shouting, "Torture him!" from our sofa. But it makes for good drama.

And the double-crossing begins. I guess, for your own sake, if you haven't watched and I start posting about 24, you might want to read later to avoid spoilers. If you don't care, go ahead and read. Or whatever.

Ugh. I guess I'd better try to slip in a nap before my Weight Watchers meeting. I should always take advantage of those moments when my toddler is actually asleep.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Might be that the air is dryer in this part of the state. (Texas) My sinuses are unhappy. But I need a nap, so I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity.

Laters again,
R

Salad Tongs

2007-02-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

Today was my appointment to see my new gynecologist. It's never really fun. It's like having salad tongs shoved up your hoo-hoo.

This guy was really friendly and talkative, and he was telling me stories about his kids, gesticulating as he examined my nethers . . . It was kinda weird. He seemed nice, funny, compassionate.

Is it odd that he gave a new patient a hug at the end of the appointment?

Seems odd to me. I'm often mistaken for being younger than I am, mostly because I'm short. You'd be surprised how people treat you when you're short. My sis, CJ, once had someone pat her on the head until she told him she was 27. But the doc saw my chart and must have known I was 35. Maybe it's the short thing. Maybe I'm just making a mountain . . .

Anyway, then I made the trek over to Wal-Mart for groceries and to buy Mister E a new toy (I promised him some shopping money, and he was well-behaved through my doc appointment). Anyone from San Antonio knows how much I miss my HEB stores, but Wal-Mart is probably the best option here in Fort Worth. It was crowded and hectic, especially as it got later in the afternoon and people got off work, and we were still there trying to finish our shopping. I can't even tell you how hard it was just to buy breakfast cereal. And the produce? Forget about it!

But E found a toy and we got our shopping done--my feet are aching! And I found out that I can have Pizza Rolls on Weight Watchers (10 points for a dozen!) so I had those for dinner. I've lost 6 pounds so far, and my weigh-in is tomorrow evening. I've really been trying hard to follow the plan, and it's by far the easiest I've encountered in my life thus far, and I faced some challenges this past week. For one thing, I had to face pizza Sunday afternoon, and I didn't want to use any Flex Points and I didn't want to blow my diet. I had already eaten. Then yummy smelling pizza was thrust in my face! How cruel to do that to someone, especially when they know I'm dieting! But I resisted. I really did. I waited until I got home to eat dinner. It was really hard, but I did it. I'm proud of myself.

It's only Monday.

Laters,
R

Welcome to the Experiment

2007-02-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

I've decided to move from MSN Spaces to Blogger, mainly to get my domain name, and also to find some more flexibility with my blog.

A little about me:

I'm bipolar, a mother of a toddler, wife, and homemaker. I'm home a lot, responsible for the life and well-being of a child, and yet I feel many times like I need a caretaker myself. There are days when it's hard to get out of bed, hard to move, hard to function. So I struggle sometimes.

I've recently moved from the city where I grew up to another about 5 hours away. My family still lives there, including my mother, father, 2 sisters, and brother-in-law. Life can get dull when you don't have friends or contacts in a new city, and often I get lonely or depressed. Recently I've joined Weight Watchers to try to make some headway in losing the weight I've gained with my medications, thyroid deficiency, and my recently diagnosed ovarian cyst. All can lead to weight gain. Going to the meetings give me some sense of a social life, and I get to meet people. I like going, especially since I've been losing weight.

What else can I say? Just that I should be in bed instead of typing here. Insomnia is another one of those bipolar symptoms I've become so accustomed to. I'll try to give some insights into bipolar disorder when I get a chance, and how I manage to deal with my life in spite of those difficulties. It is not my intention to whine or expect sympathy, just to let people understand what it's like to be bipolar. Maybe you know someone who is bipolar, or who you think might be. Maybe reading about bipolar disorder will help you understand what that person is going through. Maybe you'll learn ways in which you can help.

There are days when I have much more of a sense of humor than I do tonight, but that's probably because I'm sleepy. Why am I not in bed? I don't know, really. I got up to take notes for my doctor's appointment (I try to record concerns and questions for my doctor before I go) and then I started to surf the net. Why do I do that? I know I'll always end up on my computer longer than I think I will be. But I never seem to learn that lesson. At least I'm not poking around on eBay. That can get dangerous.

Guess I'll go nighty-night, now that it's early morning. Catch ya later. Ta.

R